


It's Just You and Me

by toriko



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, F/M, Hugs all around actually, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loki (Marvel)'s Lips Sewn Shut, Men Crying, Original Character(s), POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Torture, don't look too hard at the timeline, make room for me in HELL, or the science
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-24 23:24:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 43
Words: 65,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14365944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toriko/pseuds/toriko
Summary: Loki shows up in a Hayden’s (original character) apartment broken and scared, in need of immediate help.For the people who have been interacting with me throughout/really enjoy the characters and want to talk, I'm "soisaystothem" on Twitter. <3





	1. Chapter 1

I wonder if it was because he had crossed my mind that he ended up here. Something magic-related like that.

(Well, I'd wonder that later. There wasn't wonder when he first showed up, only blind panic.)

I'd just finished taking a shower--was on the way back to the bathroom, giving my hair a final tousel with the towel, when a crash from the kitchen nearly stops my heart. I drop the towel and run to the sound without grabbing the bat I keep under the bed. Because I'm an idiot. When I get there, I see all the freshly washed dishes shattered all over the floor, the drying rack halfway to the living room. I check the kitchen window to see if someone or something--maybe a city squirrel? Pigeon?--had broken through the screen and knocked everything over, but it's intact. Confusion mounting, I creep around the counter.

My heart almost falls out of my ribcage. Someone--a man--is sprawled on the floor, panting and shivering. At first I think he had weird clothing on...until I realized that what I'm seeing is clothes in tatters with every piece of exposed skin raw and/or bleeding. "Oh my god." I run over, almost slipping on glass but not cutting myself (extra callused heels for the win).

Without thinking, I start to turn the guy over. He cries out in pain.  _Fuck_. I try again, ginger this time. He moans as I roll him onto his back.

... _Loki?_

Barely Loki. Used to be Loki. His lips are sewn shut, bruises all over his face, tears streaming. His hair is knotted and matted with dried blood. He's all but unrecognizable. 

Thor. Get to Thor, right? That was--my brain was fracturing. Call Thor? Call an ambulance? Call Nat, who could tell me who to call? Fury? Should I try and treat him myself? Should I leave him alone and wait so I don't make everything worse?

As my brain is in the process of frosting over, Loki is blinking blearily up at me, quivering violently, half-sobbing behind the thread. 

"Loki--"

He shrieks and kicks out, which knocks me out of my crouched position and onto the glass. I grunt in surprise as I go down, which startles him as well. He's trying to wriggle backwards, out of reach. I hadn't noticed his hands and feet were bound. 

 _Call Nat._ Where the hell had I left my phone? In the bedroom, right? It was safe to go get it, right? He definitely couldn't run out on me. I stand up and leap over the glass shards, then pound down the hall to my bedside table.

"Pick the fuck up, Nat. Come on." I redial. And redial. Nothing.

_Loki just ported into my fucking apartment he looks like shit HELP._

I shove the phone in my pocket and tent my hands over my nose, commanding myself to breathe and  _think._ Right. Cut his damn mouth open. Get him in the shower, maybe. Wash the cuts, check for broken bones or hemorrhaging or something ( _Good luck, sucker, you took, like, one first aid class. Five years ago.)._ Get the guest PJs? Plan how to assassinate the assassin for not being available the one time I needed her desperately. She's always calling  _me_ for 3 AM shwarma (God bless NY), or when she's having a bad night...

_Shut up. She'll help eventually. Take it for now._

Ok. I drop my hands from my face. Hot wash cloth for his face, sewing scissors...also for his face. That's all I can think of. 

Loki's curled in the corner when I come back to the kitchen. There's blood  _smeared_ on the cheap wood cabinet doors. Jesus christ, what if he's lost too much? I notice and remember the thick as hell rope around his wrists and ankles. Guess the hunting knife wasn't the stupidest present I've ever gotten.  _Thanks, Steve._

"Loki?"

Again, he flinches violently. 

"Loki, do you know where you are?"

He cowers, bringing his battered arms up to protect his head.  _That's a no_.

I creep over, a sort of calm washing over me.  _I will protect you._ He screams again, shaking his head and holding his bound hands out to keep me at bay.

"It's ok. I'm not gonna hurt you." I whisper. 

I get down on my knees--the better to balance myself if he kicks out again--and try again. "Loki, do you know where you are?"

Nothing. He's just shaking his head frantically and trying to keep his bare feet out of my reach. 

I say softly, "You're ok, Loki. It's gonna be ok. I'm here."

Sweat, tears, and blood are mixed on his face. It seems as good a place to start as any. I inch over on my knees. He squeezes his eyes shut, sobbing.

"Hush....shh, shh." I set the warm damp cloth and the sewing scissors to the side and wrap one hand over his thin, trembling fingers. 

The second we touch, he starts thrashing again.  _Fuck_. 

"Hey--hey--"

On pure instinct, I wrench him up by the rope--he cries out--and trap his weak arms between our chests. His legs are forced under him as I pin him back against the cabinets, and I wrap one hand around his back to keep us pressed together, forehead to forehead, sticky with blood. I rest the fingers of my other hand on the back of his neck, trying to catch his eye.

"Shh...shhh. You're ok. It's ok." I repeat, holding steady while he tries to get free. "Look at me. Listen to me. Hushhh."

His terror recedes to panic, then to exhausted panting and whimpering. His whole body continues to shiver. I wonder suddenly if he's in shock...or cold...or dying? 

 _Focus_.

"Good. You're ok. I got you." I rock back and forth ever so slightly, finally winning eye contact. I'm not 100% convinced he knows who I am or where we are, but it's a start.

Keeping that eye contact, I lean back slightly.  _Be calm, be in control._ I release his neck and reach behind me for the hand towel. 

"It's ok." I whisper. "I'm not gonna hurt you."

I take the towel and press it against what seems like an unbroken section of skin. Again, he jumps, but it's more subtle. His green eyes are wide and more fearful than I've seen anywhere. He allows me to clean that small piece of skin along his jaw line, whimpering but keeping still. 

"There. Good." I nod and smile, bringing the cloth up. This time he jumps--I was on a gash--but I keep at it, wiping gently and murmuring assurances when his breathing picks up. 

The shower is the only thing that's really gonna clean him up, but at least I can differentiate cut skin from smooth from bruised. I set the cloth down, pretending not to see what colors the white towel has become.

 _This is gonna suck for both of us_.

I try again. "Do you know where you are?"

He nods microscopically. 

"Help is coming." It's not a lie, she has to get to the text eventually. "Your brother is coming."

Nothing.

I carefully lay a thumb next to his lips. "I want to fix this."

Nothing.

"Trust me, Loki." 

 _Yeah, right_. No one in this state would be able to relax or trust.

I pick up the scissors without looking away, hoping he'll be desperate enough for comfort to keep his gaze on me, but the metal glints in the light and catches his eye. 

Pandemonium. He punches me with both fists, catching me in the space between my cheek and jaw bone, struggling to crawl past me while screaming so hard I'm afraid he'll rip the stitches. They don't budge, which makes my stomach turn. I don't care if a Valkyrie did this, I'll murder them barehanded. It's harder to wrestle him back in place this time, but he's weak. Too weak. 

Again, I get his arms pinned between us, but I can't stand him straining so hard against the thread. One hand covers his mouth, holding it...more...closed so he can't rip his lips open. I cover his eyes with the other, my own lips brushing close to his ear. 

"Shhh...I know. I know. It's gonna be ok. I'm not gonna hurt you, Loki. It's ok. I got you."

Tears stream from under my palm. My cheeks seem wet too--can't tell who's tears they are, to be honest. 

"Listen to my voice. I've got you. I've got you."

I let my skin brush up against his, and wait patiently, repeating myself until he stops shrieking. I wonder if I should stay in this position and try to cut the thread that way. But I notice he's knocked the sewing scissors clear across the room.

 _Come. On._ _Give me a break, life._

Keeping his eyes covered, I fish the hunting knife out of the drawer to my right, commendably silent. Maybe I could still do it without his seeing...? But I realize he's shaking too hard. I'll turn him into the Joker before I get the string out. So I wait. I let him wear himself out a bit more with the shaking, murmuring in his ear. 

"You're safe. I'm not gonna hurt you. I've got you. I've got you."

Then it occurs to me how I can keep him from hurting himself while I help. Thor is going to put a Mjölnir-shaped hole through my head, and I'll deserve it. I needed to pin Loki's arms above his head to keep them out of my way. There wasn't a shred of doubt in my mind that the position I was about to force him into was one he had spent time in too recently. 

_Please, please forgive me, Loki. I am SO sorry._

I manage to lift his arms a few inches before he starts to cry again, and it takes some fight for me to get them looped over the sink neck behind us. It forces his back to arch ( _SO sorry)_ , but it keeps him to stay on his knees without the ability to twist much in any direction. I'm going to throw up. His bright green eyes are streaming and I'm doing it to him. 

My voice catches and I have to try again to enunciate what's now about to be a lie: "I won't hurt you."

I flick the knife open--more desperate head shaking, now he's pleading. I almost lose my nerve, but I can't stand for him to be like this any longer. It looks horrific, it must feel worse. 

Now we're both crying for sure. 

"It's gonna be ok. Thor is coming. I promise. I'm going to help you."

I'm back in his space again. I pin his chin in my hand, eyes on him. "I'm not here to hurt you. Shhh, shhh...listen to me. It's--"

Useless.  _Just do it_.

I raise the blade and grip his chin to keep it steady, then carefully press it to the longest thread in the middle of his lips. It's thicker than I realized, and I have to press harder to break it. He howls as the first piece breaks.

"I know, I know. I've got you. Just hold on."

The next few aren't any easier, and then I have to hold his mouth even tighter to keep him from ripping the rest out. With every break, he screams, twists under me, and pleads.

 _Finally_ the last one snaps, and I've managed to do it without cutting him...I think. There's blood everywhere. I ditch the knife and bring the lightest red-colored portion of the hand towel back to mop up.

" _Please_ \--"

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry--"

"P-p- _please_ \--"

"I know, sweetheart. You're ok. Just hold on."

"I d--I don't--"

"Shhhh."

My phone chirps in my pocket, making us both jump. I fish it out with a shaking hand, the hand with the towel in it falling onto his heaving chest while I look down. 

_Banner and Stark are finding Thor. We'll be there soon. Clean him up as best you can so Thor doesn't decimate the city._

Again, my mind goes blank. How the fuck long were they going to be? She  _did_ know I wasn't qualified whatsoever for this,  _right_? 

"Don't--" He stops himself, gasping at the pain of moving the swollen lips for the first time in I didn't want to know how long.

I shoved the cell back in my pocket. 

"Nothing's going to happen to you. I've got you. Thor is on his way."

Someone laid on their horn three floors down in the street, and I had to clamp my hand over his mouth again to keep my neighbors from thundering upstairs. 

"Shh, shh, shh, it's just a car. You're ok."

He quieted, but didn't still.

"That's it. I got you." I release him again. "Do you know where you are now?"

He nods. So he's back with me.

"Do you remember how you got here?"

No.

"Do you remember where you came from?"

Bad question.

"Ok, no no, we won't talk about it. It's ok. You're ok."

I stroke the side of his face, hoping I'm getting the nonbruised/cut/scraped parts. "I'm going to get your mouth free the rest of the way. Then I'm going to cut the r--no, no, no, listen to me." My free hand finds the back of his head to steady his gaze. "I'm going to take the rope off your hands and feet, and then we're going to get in the shower. Ok?"

Neither assent nor refusal. Great. I decide to try one more time before forcing him again. I rest my forehead against his gingerly and whisper. "I've got you Loki. No one's going to hurt you. Hey--hey, shhhhh. It's ok. You're ok now. I've got you, sweetheart. You're safe. It's just you and me right now."

Repeating all that for five minutes straight while running my thumb along the less battered side of his neck finally works. When he's mostly panting rather than shaking, I catch his eye with our heads still together.

"Listen to me, ok? I'm going to get the thread out of your mouth--" His breathing picks up, but I can tell he's still with me this time, "Then I'm going to get your hands and feet free. Thor is on his way with some of the Team. I'm gonna take you to the shower. I have those old PJs you've worn before. We're gonna shower, and then I'll take you--shhhh, listen, listen. We'll go into the bedroom, and I can leave you there alone if you really want. Or I can stay with you. It'll be up to you."

Having the choice seems to bemuse him, but he actually nods a little.

"Alright." I rest on my heels again after planting the lightest kiss next to his ear. "Breathe."

 

~~~T.B.C~~~

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Breathe. I’m not going anywhere. Nothing’s gonna happen.”

I wait, letting him see I’m still no threat. _Be predictable._ I’m not going to lunge and tear into him.

But I can’t wait forever. I can’t stand to see him like this, and something in me is warning me that he has to get clean soon. Maybe to keep Thor from losing his mind, or maybe I can sense an infection. I don’t fucking know. But I heed it.

I move my knees a little closer, hushing when his eyes widen.

“We have to get those threads out. We need to get you washed off. But I need your help.”

_I need you not to scream._

I count 30 loose thread tails. There’s literally no good way to do this. One by one could take hours, a couple at a time might kill him.

I start to stroke his cheek with my knuckle, but he tries to shy away. When I switch to the pad of my thumb, it seems to soothe him as I intended.

“I’m gonna give you a choice. I’m going to get that thread out—“ I press a little harder with my thumb to keep him focused, “and we have to be really quiet. Can you stay quiet, or do you want to bite down on something?”

Loki blinks uncomprehendingly.

Uhhhhh....I cast around for something he can bite down on. There’s a hot pad I use for pots fresh off the stove. I pull it down, holding it out.

“Do you want to hold this in your mouth?”

He shakes his head frantically. Can’t say I blame him, but...

“Ok, ok. We won’t do that.” I toss it away. “But Loki, this is really important—you have to be quiet. Do you understand?”

I think he does, but he’s too afraid to say anything. I cup his chin, pressing upward slightly. Now I know he understands. He shakes his head again, whimpering, but he doesn’t fight me.

“It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok. Shhhhh.” I hold his gaze and pet his hair. “I know you’re scared. I know. It’s gonna be ok.”

Blinking back tears, I position my fingers above two thick knots at the corner of his upper lip. His breathing increases, but he tries to hold still. I push up on his jaw to keep his scream contained while pulling the threads out swiftly.

A wave of nausea makes me sway on the spot. This was a broken man, barely hanging on to reality. I could remember him coming around in the days after Ragnorok. Different. Confident, still cocky, but grounded. You could see the love between Thor and Loki now. Loki could jest with the Team now. He was a good match for Tony’s wit, which was never NOT entertaining. He had become a man I love. He was slowly noticing me too.

This. Is. Wrong. I’m pretty sure I don’t need hands to kill whoever did this. I’ll do it with a look.

Tears and sweat roll and drip off his chin. I can’t even bring myself to say anything. I just pull the next two out. A pause. The next two.

To his credit, he puts everything into screaming with his teeth clenched. I’m almost proud.

Near the end he starts all out sobbing, almost wrenching the neck of the sink down.

“Ok, ok, ok.” I stop. “Shhh, I know. Loki, look— _look at me_.”

I trap his face in my hands and hold it steady.

“You’re almost there, sweetheart. Just four more to go.” My palms keep him from turning away. “Listen to me. I’m going to get your hands free, alright? I’m going to get the rope off, and I want you to hold onto me while we finish.”

Supporting his back, I saw the rope off his wrists, careful to keep the blade pointed away from his skin. He slumps into me, crying. I think he tries to put his arms around my neck, but he can’t lift them. We rock there, him collected in my arms, me hushing softly.

Then I disengage, helping him position his hands to grip my biceps weakly.

“Let’s do them at the same time. This is the last part, sweetheart.”

He looks disoriented, but his eyes are on mine. His grip spasms. I’m sure adrenaline (he has to have that like we do, right?) is fucking up his system. _We’re almost there, then you can relax._

I hold his chin again and pull with no preamble. My heart breaks as I clamp my hand over his mouth to let him howl in pain and fear, then I gather him back in my arms. I notice for the first time how bloody I am now.

Loki begins wretching, but has nothing to expel. I hold him until it passes, whispering anything I can think of to keep him with me. He’s so out of it afterwards that I cut the rope off his feet without a fight.

“Come here, sweetheart. You’re ok. You’re safe.”

I’m not sure if he passes out from exhaustion or from pain, but I can’t bring myself to move him for at least twenty minutes. I cover my phone in his blood while I text Nat back and tell her exactly what I’ve seen so far and what I intend to do.

No ones heading over just yet—apparently they haven’t found him yet and they’re using the extra time to see if they can figure out how Loki got here in the first place. It wasn’t the Bifrost, and apparently that’s freaking Tony out.

Honestly, assuming Loki doesn’t die on me, it’s probably better no one come around until he’s washed up and has time to rest.

I gather him up and carry him (it’s too easy. I add “feed him” to the to-do list) to the bathroom, kicking my damp, forgotten towel ahead of me and position his head on it.

I turn on the water, then leave him for a moment to double check all the windows are closed (including the kitchen one now), locked, and both doors are locked. I have no problem pretending that would totally keep out intruders. Because, to be honest, the fact that no one knows how Loki got here is a tich alarming to me too.

~~~T.B.C.~~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has a bit of an awkward stop point, but I'll get the next section out tomorrow/the next day so they can get out of the shower.
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos. :)
> 
> Also, not sure why the spacing is weird on this one, but it's 1 AM so it is what it is.

Having falsely reassured myself, I go back to the bathroom.

Loki hasn’t moved. He’s not asleep, but I don’t think he’s aware anymore either. 

I wonder if I should get undressed again to help him shower. Or, lets be real, to wash him off myself. He might not be able to sit up anymore, for God’s sake.

_Not only will I kill whoever did this, I will find out every single thing they did to my Loki, then do each thing to them three times longer and harder._

I decide to split the difference and get down to bra and underwear. Spares most of my clothing while not making him too uncomfortable. I refuse to imagine why seeing me naked again could scare him.

I leave him resting as long as I can. I get the water warm, collect washclothes and body wash and put them in the shower, towels and alcohol and bandages outside it. I find the boxers, old-style stripped PJ bottoms, and faded Dark Side of the Moon tee shirt that had intrigued and amused him and put them on the bed. I consider cleaning up the kitchen too, but I can do that when he’s fallen asleep. I pad back into the bathroom, now pleasantly steamy. As gently as I can and while supporting his head, I lift him back into a sitting position and lean him against the wall. 

I manage to get one arm out of the sleeve and start on the other before he starts to come back around. 

“Hey.” I say softly. I don’t really know what else to say. I just want him to know I’m with him and not a threat. 

He doesn’t respond, but lolls his head to the other side, dirty locks of hair swinging. 

It’s once the shirt comes off that things go downhill. I think maybe I pulled at a scab...

“Please...” 

He tries to raise his hands. His expression guts me as he struggles to push me away and draw his knees in.

“Loki, it’s just me—“

“Please—“ Big, begging eyes with tears spilling over again. He doesn’t seem to be able to think of anything else to say.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.”

“No...no more.”

“No, no more.” 

As nonthreateningly as I can, I reach over to lay a hand on his narrow chest, rapidly rising and falling. The blood from the open wounds catches the light.

“NO!”

“Ah! Son of a bitch!” I curse under my breath (miraculously) as he slaps the cheek he already punched, knocking me over, and finds the strength to scramble away. 

“Loki—“ _You’re going to kill yourself and it will be all my fault because I didn’t know how to help you._

He stumbles from the bathroom and (again, miraculously) turns for the bedroom rather than the kitchen with the glass or, god forbid, the door. I take a moment to rub my cheek and collect myself. 

_You can do this. You HAVE to do this._

I waited too long to get him in the shower. I thought I was doing him a kindness, but in reality I just gave him enough time to get back some adrenaline. ( _Fuck me. Nat’s gonna be taking a loan from Tony to pay me back for this_.)

He’s wedged himself in the space between my dresser and the wall. I sigh and creep in after him. "Loki..."

“No, no please.” He pleads, lips quivering as he holds me at bay.

I copy his hands, a gesture of peace.

“No more, please.” 

“Ok.” I nod. “No more.”

I wait a beat, then get on my knees again. Standing above him won’t help a damn thing.

“Please...let me go.” 

Such a beautiful voice. A beautiful accent. Even weak and trembling.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“ _Please_.”

He’s too tired to say anything else. I can’t cry right now. I can’t be anything but calm and reassuring. But I'm dying inside.

“Look around you.” I whisper. “Tell me what you see.”

Nothing, uncomprehending. I repeat myself. 

His eyes do dart around this time.

“Good. That’s good. Now I want you to pay attention. I’m going to come closer. Hushhh, shh, shh. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

He shakes his head, shoulders shaking as he cries, curling in on himself.

“It’s just me and you, Loki. And I’m not gonna hurt you. Look—look at me.”

I must manage to infuse enough kindness in it, because he does.

“Who am I?”

He blinks. That question bothers him. I think he knows who I look like, but he doesn’t want to be wrong.

“M...m...my....” He loses his nerve, but it’s close enough.

“That’s right. Your Heart.”

That was what he had called me once during a sweet night. Then again before leaving the next morning.

“I’m going to come closer. I’m going to move forward two paces. You’re going to count. And when you get to two, I’m going to stop.”

Because I don’t care how stupid and childish it is, I’m going to establish trust here. My cheek is throbbing in time with my breaking heart, but god fucking damn it, I'm going to make this better. I  _will_ overcome this and take care of him.

“Watch me and count.”

Loki doesn’t look ok with this—not at all. I think he’s shaking his head—could be quivering. His beautiful, angular cheeks are covered in tears. I do it, though. I “step” forward once on my knees and wait.

“...O-one.”

I do it again.

“Two!!” He gasps.

Blood is leaking from the holes in his lips. It’s killing me not to take him in my arms again. _You’re getting there. Be patient._

“Good. Who am I?”

“M-my....my Heart.”

“That’s right.”

“P-please..do not...”

He’s getting worked up again. Maybe he’s getting too tired to stay with me. You know who would fucking know? Literally anyone else on the stupid Team that isn’t stupid here doing their stupid job _protecting each other_.

“I won’t hurt you.”

Does not compute. _So move faster_.

“I’m going to move closer and put my hands on your knees.”

“N-n—“

“I’m going to leave them on your knees. When you’re ready, you put your hands over mine.”

He wails when I come closer, but I put my hands exactly where I said. And with GREAT restraint, I don’t flinch when he starts to raise his hand.

“Loki.” Gentle but firm. “Look. At. Me.”

He does, doe-eyed and terrified.

“My One.” 

The two words I had whispered back that night. Over six weeks ago. I was going to pretend it hadn’t happened. I thought he was signaling me he had changed his mind by staying away. Obviously, I was wrong. _My One_. The animalistic panic melts into pain.

"Please... _please_..."

“I won’t hurt you. I’m going to take care of you now.”

He breaks down, sobbing, and raises shaking hands to grip mine.

“Ok. It’s ok, Loki.”

I can’t afford to wait, to hold him in this safe little space and let him rest. I pull him from the little nook and scoop him into my arms again, pressing his bare, bleeding skin to mine and rush back to the bathroom, hushing him as he tucks his nose into my neck.

I open the shower with an elbow and kneel us down, making sure his face is out of the water. He’s whimpering in pain and fear, trying to push my hands away as I bring a dripping washcloth to him.

“Shh, shh, shh. It’s just me, Loki. Just me.” 

Even regular, soapless water hurts him. _Please do not make me cover your mouth again_. I go slowly, revealing piece after piece of marred, porcelain skin. Lashes on his shoulders, gouges in his biceps. Scratches and slices across his chest and stomach. Almost everything not cut open is bruised...huge, swollen scapes the colors of Van Goghs sky in Starry Night. I think a knotted flogger and a whip did most of the damage. I hope that's "all" he dealt with.

Shame, exhaustion, and pain begin to overwhelm him by the time I finish his front. I have to give him a break. He closes his eyes, breathing heavily and turning his face away from me.

“Ok, ok. Alright sweetheart. Just breathe a moment.” 

I lean back and reach around the shower curtain for the glass I keep on the sink. Then I angle the water down and carefully position him in front of me, his back against my chest.

"I'm gonna do your hair. Just relax. This won't hurt." (Please god.)

Dust and blood (old and new, it looks like) run out of his hair with each pour from the cup. But his scalp is relatively unharmed, and the feeling seems to soothe him. I start humming and stroking his hair, tenderly working out knots. 

 You're ok. It's just us. You're safe here."

One shaking arm wraps around my leg, his long, thin fingers resting on my ankle. I take that as a good sign. Continuing to hum, I work shampoo in and out of his hair three times before the run off is clear. 

"Alright." I wrap my arm gingerly around his front. "Let's do your back."

He doesn't fight me--and I really,  _really_ hope that's from trust rather than blood loss/shock as I slowly lean him forward, one hand carefully cupping over his nose and mouth so he can't inhale water. He begins to moan as I make waterfalls on his back.

"I know, sweetheart. Just take deep breaths. We're getting there."

Broad, circular sweeps with a soapy cloth dislodge black and brown and red colors that run past our legs. Part of me longs to know just what happened. Who would do this? Why? It's not beyond my imagination that someone would want to _kill_ him. But torture him? For as long as this must have gone on? This didn't strike me as revenge. It struck me as the entertainment of someone  _evil_.

 

~~~TBC~~~


	4. Chapter 4

I support him up with one hand while I consider my next move. His pants are still on. I know how poorly getting them off is going to go. As I plan how to get back in front of him without jostling him too painfully, I take a second to acknowledge that if I do have to throw up, I'll have get my mouth around the shower curtain to do it. It can't get on these cuts.

I inch around him, helping him lean back up against the tile. He looks better, no doubt. The top half, anyway. The dirt/grime is gone, as are the blood smears. What's left of his pants and everything I can see under them is still a mess.

"Loki..."

How do I even say this?  _I know you're in agony and scared and just spent I don't want to think how long being vulnerable and out of control....and also I know I've only seen you naked once, but can I take the rest of your defenses away?_

I cup his cheek in my hand. "Loki, are you still with me?"

He nods slightly. 

"We're almost there." 

He licks his bruised lips slightly, eyes closed. Should I just try to take the rest off as though it's no big deal? Something tells me that won't work. But giving him warning and choices has. So...I loop my fingers under the seam of the waist and catch his eye when he flinches.

"Hey--"

"No! You--"

"Easy, easy." You don't tell them to relax. They have no reason to. "Hey.  _Loki_. I'm not going to rip these off of you. Ok? You're going to tell me when you're ready."

His chin shakes against my palm. "Not this... _please_."

_Keep it together. Keep it together for him._

"Sweetheart, you're in trouble." I widen my eyes.  _You know I'm right_. "Do you think you can wash yourself off without my help?"

I'm not sure why that gets him. He looks back at me miserably, mouth open, panting, as he tries to find a reason, I think, why it can wait. 

"Can...c-can I not...." His chest rises and falls as he begins to fall apart again.

I remove my finger from his hip and move over his legs, putting my knees on either side of his thighs. The water sloshes around us as I position myself so the weight isn't resting on him. Loki can't quite decide if he should be afraid of my proximity. I lay my fingers on his neck, thumbs stroking his jaw bone. I rest my head against his.

"Shhh...."

He surprises me, arms flying up and wrapping around me, forcing my hips against his. I can feel a little bit of his strength in the embrace, and I take a little bit of selfish comfort in it. That's the strength of the man I remember. Holding me against him must hurt, but that's not why he's sobbing. He's more present now than he's been since he arrived. This is venting of sadness and emotional pain. I wrap my arms around his back and rock him back and forth. 

"It's ok. I've got you. You're safe. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm here."

He nods and howls into my shoulder. I allow myself a few tears while I pet his hair. He's in pain, but he's not panicking anymore. He may still be afraid, but he's not afraid of  _me_.  

.........

Eventually I feel the water temperature starting to fall. I gently disengage. "We need to get you out before it gets too cold. Can you trust me to take care of you?"

He knows what that means, and he doesn't like it. I can pick out the tears from the dripping in his hair even as he nods and turns away, ashamed. 

"Ok. It's just me, Loki. Just me."

The material of the "pants" isn't stretchy, which makes working them off difficult, but I can't ask him for help. He's too tired to hold himself up. His breathing picks up as I get them off his hips, and his fingers shoot to mine before I can pull them down to his thighs. He's almost hyperventilating, blinking back water in his wide-eyes. I stop and meet his stare.

"It's just you and me." I say softly. "I'm not going to hurt you."

His shaky grip tightens at first as he wrestles with himself. I wait, projecting patience and kindness to the best of my ability. He swallows hard and nods, letting his hand fall to the side, defeated. 

"Put it on my shoulder."

I hold eye contact with him, letting him dig his fingernails into my skin as I work the rags off the rest of the way. They float down to rest in the opposite corner of the shower with the "shirt" and a couple of ruined washcloths. I see him cover himself out of the corner of my eye while his other hand draws my blood. He's choking down sobs, warring with his clear desire to bolt despite being on the verge of passing out from exhaustion. 

"I'm going to start here." I rest one hand on his left thigh. "And I'm going to work my way down. Then we'll decide what to do next."

A shaky go-ahead. The water temp takes another hit.  _Shit_. One hand under his wiry muscles, the other cushioning the little towel between his skin and mine. There are enormous bruises here--almost black, and so swollen it shines. 

"Ah! Ah!" He gasps, even though the pressure is light. My hiss of pain is drowned out in his yelp and the continuous patter of the shower water as he makes deeper crescent marks on my shoulder. 

"Shh, shh. You're ok. I'm here."

I draw his knee up so I can reach the rest of his leg and he keep cutting into me--the contact seems to be calming him (...as much as anything can right now).  _Worth it._

Nothing seems broken, but every inch is damaged and tender. Same with the right side, once I move to it. Each cut and bruise looks so fresh...so why do I get the sense that he's been trapped somewhere for weeks on end? Is it the psychological component? Loki's been in plenty of fights--bad ones, I think. But I've never seen him so wholly frightened in my life. There's no determination, no sense of...scheming, for lack of a better term. No back up plan. No _hope_. 

Even in the old days when he had technically lost the fight, I had never seen him so utterly destroyed. His sense of self had remained intact. 

"Loki," I finally look up. "This is the last part. Then we'll get you to bed."

He can't keep his head up any longer. Even the grip on my (now rather painful) shoulder is failing. His torn lips tremble, but he's totally, officially out of fight.

"I want you to count to thirty. Do it out loud or in your head, it's your choice. I'm going to clean you as gently as I can, but no matter what, when you hit thirty we're going to stop. Can you do that?"

The hot water runs out suddenly as he tries to nod, eyes closed. It makes him jump, battering himself against the edges of the tub. 

"Shh, shh...ok, let's go. We're gonna get you out of here."

Again, he nods, eyes closed and head turned away. I do my best to block his body from the water with mine as I look down and work as fast as I can, counting to 30 in case he forgets. 

There is blood and bruising on his groin just like everywhere else. I'm frankly relieved to see it's not somehow worse. It gives me hope that "nothing worse than beating" took place. 

"You're doing good, Loki. Concentrate on my voice. We're almost done." 

I make sure to use the cloth exclusively to wipe at cuts and in all the crevices. To give him some sense of distance. But I can't miss his white knuckled grip on the edge of the tub.

"THIRTY." He bursts out, taking in shaking breathes as though he had been holding his breath, and scratches at my wrists to tear me away. 

"Ok, ok, ok." I stop immediately and drop the hand towel. "You're ok. You're done."

I kick the water off without turning around, keeping my hands well above his waist now, making it clear that I'm keeping my word. His breathing is unsteady as I wrench aside the shower curtain and gather the enormous bath towel. 

"Come here. You're ok...you're ok, Loki." 

I wrap it around him and lift him, wishing I could access some extra power to bring him to the bedroom. I'm wiped too. But I don't get that...extra...except when I'm furious. A really particular kind of furious. And I'm too worried for Loki to feel that right now. Besides, I don't know if he remembers me explaining that "extra" to him. I'm not going to risk losing the trust I just won to make it a little easier to carry him.

So instead, I crouch down, awkwardly gather the extra towel, and take us down the short hallway. Night fell while we were in the shower, but I don't bother to turn on the light. I let the ones from the kitchen and the nightlight in the hallway illuminate the space while I lower him carefully into the bed. Loki curls in as soon as I set him down, shivering from cold and exhaustion. I don't argue or try to rearrange him. I just pat him dry, considering it a win that some of the gashes seem to have finally clotted. Then I wipe myself down. 

"Can I put you in some clothes?"

I barely catch his nod in the shadows. He grits his teeth no matter how gingerly or slowly I move his limbs, but once he's clothed, he stops shivering. I maneuver him under the covers.

"You're ok." I murmur. "I'm here."

I think he's gone to sleep after he lays there for a few minutes. I had been sitting at the edge of my bed just letting his world be still for a moment. But when I start to get up, he jerks.

"It's just me. I was going to bring--"

"No. No..." He works to control his breathing. "Please...do not leave me."

So. Fucking. Vulnerable. There's that power, welling up in my hands.  _Nope. Not right fucking now. Chill out._

"I'm not leaving--I'm going to grab--"

As polite and calm as he can. "Don't--don't go. Please." 

I don't love the idea of leaving my phone in the other room. If Nat or Steve or someone texts to tell me the plan, I won't know it. I don't love the idea of a knock on the door startling him (ok, or me). And I want to know if the knock  _is_ them. The _right_ them. 

"Ok." I sit back down. "You want me to stay here? Ok. I can do that."

"Would...you come closer?"

"Closer. Sure." I whisper. "Do you want me to hold you?"

He nods, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Ok."

I crawl over him and try to get behind him, but I can tell he doesn't like that. 

"Hey--woah, hey, what is it?"

He can't answer. He just rests his scratched palm on my chest. 

"Do you want to face me?"

He likes that idea even less. So....ok, so he doesn't want to be closest to the door and he doesn't want to face away from it either. 

"Ok, I think I understand. Can I get up and put something dry on?"

Nodding. So I swap the cold, wrinkled, wet stuff for my own PJs, very aware that his eyes are tracking me through the entire process, and climb to the middle of the bed. With pillows propping me up, I gather him back in my arms and carefully shift him so he's lying over me, legs between mine, arms around my waist, cheek against my chest. I tuck the edges of the bedding under our pairs of legs.

"Ok?"

I take his slowed breathing as yes. Stroking his wet hair and the back of his neck, I watch his eyes slowly close, humming something sweet and lilting. And strain my ears for the sounds of anyone passing outside. People coming up the stairs, maybe. 

He sleeps.

 

~~~T.B.C.~~~


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the team show up more exuberantly than they may have otherwise when their calls go unanswered.
> 
> I'm not sure I love the rhythm of this chapter, but I've edited it enough. Time to put it out in the world, get some sleep, and see what I make of it tomorrow.

I lay there, propped on the pillows, petting his hair for an hour and feeling exceptionally lucky. I hadn't realized someone had almost taken away my chance to do this again. I should have known something was wrong. There was nothing about that night or the way he treated me before he left the next day that indicated he was a player or a sleaze. And I've been with a few. I know the signs. I should have said something when he was silent for a few weeks.

What if I had mentioned to Nat or someone on the Team? What if they had been out looking for him for the past month? What if I had talked to Thor? What could I have spared Loki? A tear falls into his black hair.  _Loki, I'm so sorry. I assumed you changed your mind. It just made sense that you thought better of it later._

So what does it mean that he ended up here? Was it luck? Was it because I had been missing him so much in the past couple of days? Did he...I don't know...sense that? (If I ask him, does that make me stupidly clingy?)

I hear the phone ringing from my pocket in the bathroom.  _Fuck_. I freeze. Should I go get it? Something tells me this is the most sleep Loki's had in a long time. I don't want to interrupt that.

I haven't made a decision by the time the last tones of "Surfer Girl" peter out. It starts ringing again right away.  _Fuck!!_ That  _has_ to be Nat, and I can only imagine what she'll think if I don't pick up.

I press my palms around Loki and shift him to the side, achieving an act of god in doing it gently enough that he doesn't wake up. "Surfer Girl" continues. I'm pretty sure it takes about seven rings to go to voicemail. We're on twelve now.  _Move move move move move._

I hustle on the balls of my feet to the bathroom to keep the noise low and pray Loki keeps sleeping. My jeans are a tangled mess by the toilet. By the time I wrestle it out of the pocket, we're at the end of the third call. I'm just opening the screen--

_WHAM._

"SON OF A BITCH." I scream, slamming my head against the toilet as I flinch away from the sound of something clobbering my front door.

_WHAM._

Loki shrieks from the other room. Crawling on my knees (because the floor keeps jumping up to meet me), I make it to the hallway. "Loki--"

 _WHAM._ The door flies inward and cracks the wall it bounces off of.

"HAYDEN." Tony yells.

I make myself sound as casual as possible as I call out, "Yeah..." 

I hold the heel of my palm against my pounding head. I nailed the opposite side from where Loki got me. Yay for symmetry, but I know what this will look like.

Natasha appears from around the corner to see me staggering to my feet, clutching the door frame for support.

"What happened."

"Nothing--"

Tony stalks around the corner. "Where--what did that weasling, lying, double-crossing son of a bitch do to you?"

" _Nothing_."

He points a finger at my skull. "Don't bullshit me." 

"You startled the bejesus out of me and I hit my head. Ever heard of knocking?" Trying to infuse humor--or at least casual banter--to take them down a few notches.

"You didn't answer your phone, what were we supposed to think?"

"Where is he?" Nat asks--rather calmer than Tony--before I can snark back.

"Guys, he's--."

Tony tries to walk past me. "I'm guessing he's this way." 

“ _Hey_." I grab Stark’s arm, remembering too late that this is a mistake. "He doesn't need you storming in there like you're gonna beat answers out of him. If that's gonna be your attitude, you can leave him alone.” 

 

He smacks my arm away and holds up a finger. “Ok, first off, don’t touch me. I don’t like to be touched. Second, you tell me the third most invincible person we know--me being the first, obviously--shows up looking like the scrawny mathlete in the dumpster behind the school--"

 

"Wait," Natasha interrupts, "Who's the second?"

 

"Second what?"

 

"Most invincible."

 

"The Hulk. Who, relevantly, beat the shit out of Loki and apparently wasn't able to do this much damage." He returns to me. "Anyway, you can't tell me Loki mysteriously shows up in your living room fresh out of a shredder and then tell me 'leave him alone.'"

 

"Watch me." 

 

Tony steps closer, looking down at me. “Three hours ago Nat gets a text saying an Asgardian god who I wouldn't exactly nominate for Man of the Year is back. We don’t know how, we don’t know where, and unless you’ve been too busy doing the horizontal monster mash to tell us—we don’t know why."

 

"Doing--Tony, he was--"

 

"And since that somehow doesn't alarm you, we can’t get ahold of Thor despite the mind-numbingly advanced tech Banner and I concocted so we could find him anywhere from Timbucktoo to quite possiblythe _literal_ end of the universe.”

 

“So your assumption is he’s here to wreck havoc in a clever disguise of practically dead?”

 

"You know some people call him the God of Evil, right?" Tony's doing his best to be threatening, broad chest and shoulders filling the hallway, $300 goatee almost brushing my mouth. I'm too pissed to care.

 

"If you were so concerned for my safety why the hell did you take so long to get here?" I hiss.

 

I can feel the pressure in my hands, so I fist them.  _Not. Now._ I don't have to be looking at Nat to know she noticed.

 

Tony's voice rises."Hayden, we gave Thor a cellphone so powerful it should be able to reach him in the  _afterlife_ and he's not answering it. I've got software in satellites that can detect space dust wafting around on the dark side of Pluto, and they're saying nothing in or outside our atmosphere has changed. I've been spending the last three hours trying to get answers to where Loki's been and how he got  _here_."

 

"You don't get to march into my house and beat answers out of him because your 300 IQ points and $700 billion dollar tech failed you." 

 

“Are you forgetting the time he tried to literally conquer the planet?”

 

“No, just like I’m not forgetting the time you tried to lock up half of your team because they didn't fall in line when you told them too.”

 

He's about two exchanges away from punching me through my own wall. "I have only ever tried to protect this planet. Loki only very recently decided to stop trying to destroy it. Maybe I should trying sleeping with him--that seems to have really opened your eyes to the guy's true motives."

 

Ok, maybe I'll be the one punching somebody through drywall. "Even if there's literally nothing that can keep you from jumping miles ahead in your conclusions, some people  _do_ change."

 

“Well I'm not prepared to risk the planet because you had one magical night and think you know the real Loki."

 

“And yet,” I snarl, “We're standing in _my_ apartment. So until you give me some solid evidence that makes me doubt my 'magical night,' you can either turn your ass around and keep looking for Thor or you can clean up the glass all over my kitchen floor. Otherwise it won't be  _just_ Loki's blood smeared on the goddamn cabinets."

 

“Tony—“ Nat says shortly when Tony makes to physically move me out of his way, "We came here for answers. There's more than one way to get them."

 

His nostrils are flaring and I can almost hear his teeth grinding. I'm  _this close_ to blasting him down the hallway, and Nat knows it. But Tony doesn't.

 

"Why don't we go sit on the couch and let her bring Loki out." Phrased like a question, delivered as a command.

 

He glares at me, his own hands clenching and unclenching. 

 

Consciously loosening my shoulders, I cock my hip to demonstrate nonchalance. “There’s whiskey above the fridge.”

 

“As if I didn’t bring my own.”

 

“And when you finish it, there’s whiskey above the fridge.”

 

Nat nods at me, and I hear her asking as they turn around, "You brought your own whiskey?"

 

"I keep a few bottles of Macallan in my car in case of last minute party invitations."

 

 

I wait until I hear the groan of the leather couch and the sound of someone opening a cabinet door for glasses.  _Deep breath in...deep breath out._ Loki heard all of that, I'm sure. I wouldn't be half surprised if I walked in there to find he'd managed to teleport himself out of the apartment. My heartbeat picked up. _Please, don't have done that, Loki._

 

Closing the bedroom door behind me, I feel around carefully for the lamp. "Sweetheart? I'm gonna turn on a lamp over here."

 

Nothing.  _Shit shit shit..._

 

But when it clicks on, I see him crouched against the wall, shivering almost as hard as when I found him in the first place. Without thinking, I rush over. He cries out in panic.

 

"Oh, Loki--no, no, no, it's ok--"

 

"Please don't let them take me!"

 

"No, sweetheart, I--"

 

He holds up his hands to keep me from grabbing his arms. "Please--I don't--don't know anything."

 

"Loki," I shake my head, widening my eyes. "Shh, shh, you're ok. It's ok."

 

He flinches as I take him carefully by the shoulders, lips open slightly and trembling. "Listen to me. I'm not gonna let them hurt you. Noone-- _listen_ to me. Breathe. I'm not handing you over to anyone. We're not leaving. Nothing's going to happen. We're just trying to figure out what's going on."

 

"B-but I don't know--"

 

"Alright. That's ok. We'll go tell them you don't know anything."

 

More tears fall over his red-scratched cheeks. He shakes his head, miserable and terrified.

 

"Come here, my One." I whisper, pulling him back into my arms even though he whimpers. "You're ok. I'm not going to let anything happen. I promise you're safe."

 

He burrows into me, holding on so tightly my muscles ache. I stroke his hair and murmur in his ear for several minutes, hushing and reassuring him. I'm well-aware Tony is a ticking time bomb, but no one comes pounding down the hall.  _Thanks, Nat._

 

"Let's get you a blanket, huh?"

 

I carefully lift him to his feet and steer him to the bed, pulling the loose quilt up and wrapping it around him tightly. He's still frightened...so I pull out a hairbrush from the side table kneel behind him, gently running it through the dark locks.

 

"Shh, shh. I'm here. Breathe with me. Good. Shhhhh...I'm not going anywhere. Nothing will hurt you."

 

It works well. And I can't pretend that I'm not enjoying making Tony wait. 

 

"I've got you. Nothing bad is gonna happen."

 

Finally, when he seems mostly collected, "Let's go talk. We're just gonna go talk. I'm gonna walk out there with you and we'll sit on the couch. Ok? Can we do that?"

 

He doesn't seem sure. Wrapping my arms around him, I murmur, "We can hold hands the entire time. Nothing will take you away from me or away from here. It's gonna be ok. We're just gonna talk with some of the Team." I lace my fingers with his. 

 

Being reminded that these are Team members seems to help. Loki doesn't look up, swallowing hard, but he nods.

 

"Ok. Let's go."

 

~~~TBC~~~


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some general caveats: I love the Marvel movies and characters, but I don't know a lot of extra facts about the universe. So I'm not trying to pretend like I know all the specifics of Iron Man's suit or Bruce Banner's backstory, etc. 
> 
> Also, this version of the universe acknowledges that Avengers 1 happened for sure, I'm pretty sure it also "decides" that any events that happen in the Infinity War parts 1 and 2 conclude with all good guys being victorious. 
> 
> Basically what I'm saying is I'm doing this for my own fun and am pleasantly surprised anyone else enjoys it. So I'm not spending too much time on established details, but I know stuff like only Thor can lift his hammer (minus the tiny movement Steve got out of it.) ;)

I wrap my arm gingerly around his waist and let him set the pace. _Does it still count as limping if both legs obviously pain a person?_ His long fingers grip my sleeve. He’s trembling.

 

“Hey.” I murmur. “I’m not going anywhere. Nothing will hurt you.” 

His bruised lips are set and he nods slightly to the floor.

_Should I remind him?_

“Loki,” we stop, having only made it a few steps passed the doorframe, “do you remember what I told you...the last time you were here?”

His eyebrows bend together. He thinks...and seems distressed when he has to shake his head.

“Ok.” I adjust my grip subtly as his knees weaken. We’ve been standing too long. “I can explain more later. I just want you to know I can protect you.”

Green eyes flicker over me, maybe looking for a weapon. I shake my head and spare a hand long enough to show my palm. “It’s here.”

Loki’s breathing hitches. Flashback of some sort. _Fuck._

“Woah, Loki.” Resting the palm along his cheek. “It’s me. You’re here with me.”

We make eye contact.

“I’ll protect you. That’s all. Do you know that?”

And I look closely. _Does_ he know that? He swallows and nods, timid but sure. Ok. So I didn’t fuck up completely.

“Ok. If that ever changes, that’s ok. We can fix it.”

Affirmed, but he’s getting tired quietly. Losing ground. 

“Come on.” I say softly, and we creep forward, step by agonized step. The closer we get to the corner, the more he starts trembling, probably exhausted as well as frightened. By the time we round it, I have no doubt Nat, all the way across the room cleaning up the last of the glass, can see it. Tony cocks an eyebrow.

“Well aren’t you the dramatic Raggedy Ann?” Tony, sprawled on the couch, a characteristic display of power. Swagger. 

It wells up in my throat, that protective urge. Whether by chance or intuition, Nat bangs her knee into a cabinet, startling the shit out of Loki but drawing my attention away from my feelings. 

I pull him closer. “Shh, shh.” 

“What’s got you all jumpy? Somebody outsmart the God of Mischief for once?”

I need Loki on the couch, meaning I need Tony to move a bit. I catch his eye and let a little bit of my _something_ show. Just a flash, blinking up and out of sight. He sits up. He’s not scared—pretty sure I’d have to be in the middle of ramming my knuckles through his throat to properly scare him. But it got his attention. He frowns at me. _Ok,_ I remind myself, _he’s an ass but we’re generally on the same team. Remind him._

“Can you move back?” I tip my head up, _just a little over that way_?

He nods. I know his brain is working. Good. Let that distract him from playing Spanish Inquisitor.

I steer Loki gently to the opposite end of the couch, climbing on the arm of it myself and guiding him to lean back, my knees on either side of his shoulder. I rest one hand on his chest and lay the other in the crook of his shoulder. He presses into me as Nat approaches. 

"Hey, Loki." She says, voice surprisingly soft. "How're you doing?"

"He's great, Nat." Tony sips his drink. "Bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to take on the world."

"Shut up, Tony." Nat comes over and sits in the adjacent sofa chair, leaning forward on her knees. "Loki, what happened to you?"

He reminds her of something. I don't know what, and I'll have to decide later if it's worth asking. But something about him has become personal to her, and that's keeping her from going on the offensive like Tony. Also not needing to prove she's got the biggest head in the room helps. 

Loki leans away, into my leg. I can feel him becoming overwhelmed by the question as if I were in his head.

"Start with where you were." I tell him softly. "Do you remember where you were?"

The trembling starts again, so I start running my fingers through his hair. 

"There was...a wall..."

Nat holds up a hand before a fully formed snark can escape Tony. 

"There was...no sun..."

"Was this on Earth?" I ask. 

He shakes his head.

Nat. "Do you know what planet you were on? Or was this a spaceship?"

"A planet...I think. The..wall was stone."

"That's great. Not too many of those around. Really narrows the search." Tony rattled the ice in his glass.

"Do you want answers or not?" I keep my voice as level as I can so Loki isn't spooked. Tony studies me.  _Ah_. He's trying to see it again. He wants more information about _me_.  _De-fucking-nied._ "Ok, do you remember how you got there?"

Loki goes still. From where I'm sitting I can see part of his face. He's staring at his lap and his teeth are clenched. We all wait a moment, Tony looking like a dog ready to lunge, Natasha..much more concerned. She catches my eye. Yeah, she's straight up worried, and not just a "fate of the Earth" thing. 

"Nod or shake your head." I tell him softly. "We can start there."

He shakes it.

"Ok."

"Do you remember what happened when you were there?" Natasha asks.

Tony glances at her, then me, furrowing.

Loki nods, tears catching the light. 

"Do you remember who?"

He nods, then gasps, curling against my leg, trying to burrow into the couch.

"Loki...ok, it's ok." I sink down and take him into my arms. "Shhh, shhh. I've got you."

He clings to me with all his strength, unable to take a full breath. 

"Sweetheart, look at me. Look." I prize him off to look him in the eyes. "You're with me. Nothing is gonna hurt you."

"We don't know that!" Tony shouts, suddenly on his feet. "We don't know  _what_ hurt him or  _where the hell it is,_ Hayden. For all we know something could be barreling past Jupiter  _right now_  looking for him."

"HEY."

Suddenly  _I'm_ off the couch, blocking Loki from view, and Nat is yanking Tony back just as yellow-transparent light shoots up the floor like a solid wall. It's corner catches the chair Tony was just in and knocks it back as though someone roundhouse-kicked it. By the time I glance over at Tony, his face is disappearing behind the Iron Man mask.  _I knew it._ _Stupid nanotech._ Without thinking, I reach up and, from several feet away, slice through his suit. With a furious dismissive motion, I knock the "helmet" off. 

Tony stands suited from the shoulders down, dumbfounded.

 

~TBC~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very confident about Loki's dialogue pattern, but he'll get to talking with Hayden eventually. But Tony has to shut up first, so here goes that.
> 
> **Also, a reminder, this story acts like the Infinity War is over and all the good guys won. Who knows if that's how it actually goes, but frankly I like spending time in a world where it is! Good guys should always win in stories because they can't always win IRL.
> 
> **INFINITY WARS SPOILER ALERT.**

I let the power thrumming inside me show in my eyes.  _I won't attack. But I defend._ Keeping eye contact with Tony, I reach behind me to get ahold of some part of Loki before he bolts. 

"Tony," Nat takes his iron arm. 

"You KNEW." He rounds on her.

That lets me turn around--he's too busy yelling at her to attack me just this second--and block the whole scene out. Loki is rocking slightly into the corner of the sofa, hunched over his knees, hands over his ears. I begin to hug him from behind, but he throws me off. I just barely manage to grab his wrist and pin him back against the arm, then cover his mouth as he begins screaming.

_Back to square fucking one. WHY._

I'm losing control of the situation--let's be fair, my initial grasp of it was tenuous at best--and it would be just my luck that my neighbors have called the cops. And if they did, Tony can drag his ass out there and smooth talk or bribe our way out of this bullshit. 

I can sense, even though my eyes are locked on Loki, that Tony is coming for me. I know exactly where he is in relation to me, how fast he's walking, as if I was simply watching.  _Well. That's new_. I put up the wall again between him and us. 

"Hey--hey."

Fingers over his mouth as gently as I can manage, the other hand at the back of his head to force his focus. Sweat and tears coat his skin. My hearing has narrowed to just the muffled sound of his whimpers.

At first, I say nothing. I just project my desire to protect him, hoping it comes across as strongly as the kind of power I let Tony see. My silence draws him in as though I'm about to announce his fate.

"I'm here." I murmur. "I'm here with you."

The shaking slowly slightly. 

"It's just you and me. No one else matters. Everything is ok."

He reaches out and awkwardly touches the space between my cheekbone and nose. I don't react, allowing him the space to reassure and ground himself. His gaze follows the waves of my hair, which he clenches in his fist for a moment. He calms, tense but controlled. I give him another minute, sure he's as blind and deaf to whatever is happening behind us as I am.

"Ok." I stroke his cheek. "I have to figure out what's up with Tony. I need you to sit here and watch me. I will not leave this room. Do you understand?"

He nods. 

"Keep your eyes on me. I won't go far and I won't let anyone touch you.  _No one_."

Frantic nodding.

"Trust me." I drop my hand from his mouth first. "Just breathe and watch."

And the rest of the chaos rushes back into my perception. Tony and Nat are still arguing on the other side of my yellow-clear wall. He's out of the suit ( _kudos, Nat_ ), but still looks like he's on the verge of losing it. I let the wall melt into the carpet, which catches his attention. He rounds on me, and with a sweep of my hand I paint another wall behind me. It's just a few feet high, but a clear message-- _Loki is out of bounds._

"You wanna tell me who the hell you are? 'Cause you're not the Hayden that always brings Capiscle coffee and remembers my half birthday."

"You remind everyone of your half birthday."

"And you're the only one who gets me a present every year. So what the hell is going on?"

"That's not the question you want answered right now."

"Oh, it's not?"

"No. You wanna know if you're about to have another war on your hands."

"I wanna know if your boyfriend pissed off someone I should be concerned about." He spits, "I wanna know if I should be reinforcing the suit you just destroyed--I'm billing you for that, by the way--or just getting an address to send flowers."

"I get that you're--"

"No, Hayden, I don't think you  _do_  get it." He closes the space between us, in my face for the second time that night. "Something turned your boyfriend into mincemeat. If you remember my mentioning, Hulk tossed him through my concrete--actually, Friday, remind me to bill Hayden and Banner--and he was barely scratched. This is _way_ worse than I thought."

Since I refuse to take a step back, there's less than an inch of space between us. He jabs a finger. "I already told you we can't find Thor or figure out how he got here and you and Nat are acting like we're having a fireside chat."

"Bullying him isn't going to answer a single one of your questions. It's going to shut him down."

"Then we'll start him right the hell back up."

"Over my dead body."

"Let's get one thing perfectly clear. If it's a choice between him and you and the entire human race, I will not hesitate to let whoever this is kill you both."

"Jesus Christ," I roll my eyes. "Of course you will. I know you're a badass, Tony, you don't have to prove it. You might be really, really pissed at me--"

"Oh, there's no _might_ about it."

"But you  _do_ care about me. And at one point, you decided that Loki was an OK guy now too."

"Yeah, obviously the rest of the universe doesn't know that. Were you planning to show the Chitari a selfie of the two of you kissing to convince them?"

"We don't know that anyone is coming." Nat reminds us. 

"And I'm SAYING we're no closer to knowing, either." Tony snaps. "My god. It's like I'm talking to a wall."

"We," I gesture between myself and Natasha, "were in the process of getting closer."

"I could have pried the answers from a mute clam faster than this."

"Dude." I ignore his reminder from earlier and put my hand on his shoulder. "If something does come, do you know that it's not up to just you to fix it?"

"It's not--I--Of  _course_ it's up to me. I've got the brains, I've got the tech--Listen, Capsicle may think that teamwork makes the dream work, but no one seems to be worried about what's coming. I'm the one making better weapons. I'm the one funding training for the compound I suggested we make. I'm the one hacking all the intelligence agencies in the world to double check their data, because they wouldn't know a spaceship was on the way if it sent them a greeting card. It  _is_ up to me, Hayden, and it alwayshas been."

He stands there, breathing deeply, fists clenched, daring me to argue. I take a deep breath and let the energy in the room drop a fraction. Let him sit with his declaration. I feel out behind me (with my brand new power...), relieved to sense Loki hasn't moved.

"Tony, this isn't about Loki. This," I gesture to his expression and his posture, "is about you being terrified that there's gonna be another hole in the sky."

"Yeah, that's not news. That's why we made Vision, remember?"

"So you have your magic bullet. Why can't you relax?"

"Because we came up against someone who ripped an infinity stone out of his head with two fingers. Do you just want me to admit that my perfect solution wasn't failproof?"

"No. I want you to hear yourself."

"What--what are we doing?" He turns to Nat. "Why aren't we talking to Ricky Ragdoll over there?"

"She's right, Tony."

"No, wait--Why are we suddenly trying to analyze me?"

"I don't need to analyze you, Tony." I sigh. "I already get you."

Tony opens his mouth, but I hold up my hand. "For once in your life, pretend I know a little more than you do about something. Having a 4,000 point IQ doesn't make you infallible  _or_ invincible, and that's been killing you for years. And now, as you've pointed out multiple times, there's something out there that can do a lot of damage--'"

"I'm sorry, should I just be binge watching  _Game of Thrones_ right now? Are you telling me I'm overreacting?"

"What if I was?"

" _Excuse me_? I don't want to fly a nuke through a giant portal again. I don't want to keep an entire city stuck in the earth where it belongs. I don't wanna get run through with a fucking sword again, Hayden."

"No," I say softly. "I bet you don't."

His eyes look glassy, and he turns away from me. I take his hand before he can walk away. As if it were a physical thing, I let a feeling of empathy and loyalty pass to him.

I didn't know I could do this either, of course, but that hasn't stopped me so far.

I concentrate on the sentiment,  _I see you. I hear you_ and push it through my palm. It transfers to him as clearly as if I was helping him put on a glove. To his credit, he doesn't look as stunned as he maybe should. He just looks at me, as vulnerable as I've ever seen him. I think that means he's listening--like really listening, the way Tony doesn't do 99% of the time.

"If something is coming, it's not Loki's fault or yours. And it's not up to you to defend us. I just want you to know you can relax a little. It's gonna get you answers a lot sooner." 

He squeezes my hand reflexively. A pause. “So you’re a superhero. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I’m not a superhero. I can do weird shit. There's a difference. But...I'm promising you, we'll figure out what's going on. And if something is coming, I won't let it hurt you or Loki or anyone else."

His chin drops. "Really? So...you're going to fend off everything from now on? You're saying you're stronger than me? I can retire."

“You're not the only one who gets to be cocky."

"Watch yourself. You know how competitive I can get."

He snatches up his tumbler and swigs the rest. “Let’s head back to the tower. I can check in with Banner while you two work with Charlie Chaplin."

“Also you can keep shouting at me without risking a noise complaint.” 

“Yeah, was never gonna happen. I had them use nanotech paint when they spruced up your apartment. Soundproofs it.”

I blink. Is he serious?

"Also fixes holes." He points to the space where the doorknob had broken the drywall, now completely smooth. He smiles, taps my arm-- _good talk and thank you--_ and picks up the severed head of the suit.

"You guys take the car."

He seals the piece back in place, unlocks the door, and jets off in the suit without another word. 

~TBC~


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparing to get Loki healed up a little bit.
> 
> ____
> 
> Another one I'm putting out there without doing a super thorough edit. Forgive me, school is trying to kill me. <3

As the door closes, I turn to Nat, giving her a wide-eyed _my god he's a lot of work._

"Impressive." She does that little Natasha smirk I always loved.

I scrub my face with my hands, trying to wipe my emotional slate clean. "Which part?"

Two and a half new weird things I can do (I knew about the walls, the cutting through metal part was only a half-surprise). Barely any farther along figuring out what happened to Loki. But he had trusted me enough to stay put while I sorted Tony out. The chaotic genius with the occasional emotional awareness of a toddler.

"All of it. I don't think I've ever seen someone get through to Tony like that."

Like that...meaning that quickly? That strongly? To his emotions? But I catch her looking back at Loki, and the question falls off to the side. She looks...quietly devastated.

"Hey--you ok? Something up?"

Her attention jerks back. "Hm?"

"You ok?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

 _Liar_. "He remind you of something?"

Her eyes get that same slightly glassy look. She says softly, "Yeah. He does."

I'm not gonna push her. I just squeeze her arm briefly and turn back to Loki.

"You did so well." I tell him, approaching carefully as the squat wall melts away.

He doesn't reach for me as I expected, but allows me to sit down next to him. I'm unsure if he wants to be touched or needs space, so I keep my hands to myself and look at Natasha instead, waiting to hear her plan.

"Did you disinfect any of that?" She nods to him, seeming to focus on the pattern of holes on his lip.

Damn it. "No, he was too tired. The stuff is by the tub though."

She furrows, thinking. "Let's take him back to the tower. Stark's got more stuff you can use, just in case."

Loki freezes.

"I'll go get Steve up to speed." Nat says, then she tells me she's going to get the car when Loki's stare remains fixed.

"Hey." I turn to him, alarmed (but poker faced) when he doesn't acknowledge me, staring straight ahead.

I lift my hand to touch him and he flinches away.

"Woah, woah. What's wrong?" Nothing. "Loki, are you afraid?"

He leaps off the couch (which startles the crap out of me), arms out to hold me at bay. I know, in that instant, that was a taunt someone used.

I deliberately stay in place and hold eye contact. My head and cheek are still sore, so the idea of startling him further is especially unappealing. Now he won't look away, trembling and panting slightly. I wait, hoping he'll say something and give me a clue. Nope.

"Tell me what you see."

I can almost see his throat closing. Is this because I said we wouldn't go anywhere? Did I lose his trust? I must have.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know I said we wouldn't go anywhere."

His bruised lips tremble as beads of sweat pass. His eyes start flicking between me and the space over my shoulder. For a heart-stopping minute, I think someone else is in the room. But when I feel it out, I know we're alone. So...flashback?

"Loki." I try, then with more command. "Loki."

He begins gasping, frightened and frozen. I get up slowly, but he trips back a few paces.

"Stay where you are."

He obeys, miserable but helpless. I creep over, heartbroken when the trembling becomes almost violent. How did I cause this? What did I do wrong?

I offer my palm. "Take my hand." Tears spill over, but he gets even quieter. Like he knows he's headed for the gallows. _No, Heart. That's not what's happening..._

"Take my hand." I repeat with more authority, hiding my urgency. Touch me so I can show you. He leans away even as he reaches out. I don't move. His scrapped palm bounces on mine as he fights with himself, but eventually its flat on mine. But when I try to push some sense of reassurance to him....nothing happens. Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell?!

Loki stands there, terrified but compliant. It's obvious it's not me he's seeing, and I don't know how to fix that. I lead him to the car, not missing Nat's look in the mirror when we get in the back seat. Seems everyone’s having trouble tonight.

 

 

When we get to the tower his shaking becomes violent again. I don’t even have to tell Nat to be quiet, she just parks in the private garage, gets out, and flashes a three and a five. 

 

What the hell do I do? Drag him out? Push him out? I open my door, and order him to follow. It nauseates me when he does, getting paler with each gasping breath. I take his hand, then his arm when he flinches and lead him gently to the elevator, pressing floor 35.

 

As the doors start to close, an animalistic panic comes over him and he dives for them.

 

“Wait!” I yank him back, fighting hard to keep him away as the doors reopen automatically. 

 

He howls in terror when they slide closed, and I only just manage to stop him from slapping me again.

 

“Loki! LOKI!”

 

“Please—I know nothing—don’t—“

 

“I don’t need anything from you, sweetheart.”

 

If anything, that seems to frighten him further. _What the actual fuck?!_

 

“Shh, shhh. Listen to me.”

 

The doors slide open, and a panic stricken Loki begins sobbing. “Please...please...”

 

“Heart...” I pull him up and drag him out before the doors can close. He struggles in my arms, wild-eyed. 

 

“I know nothing! I swear!”

 

“I KNOW! I’m not going to hurt you!”

 

His eyes flicker over my shoulder as he pushes against my chest. I'm not 100% sure he knows who I am.

 

“It’s just you and me, Loki.” 

 

“Please, we need to leave.” He grips my shoulders. “I don’t want to be here.”

 

I squelch down my reassurances with some difficulty. “Why not?”

 

He looks miserable. More tears fall. I push his hair back from his cheek. “Do you want to be back at my place?”

 

Again, he checks behind me, swallowing hard and nodding.

 

“Do you understand why we left?” When he says nothing, “They can’t find Thor, and we’re worried about what happened to you.”

 

“Please, I...I want to leave this place.”

 

“Ok, ok. I hear you. Can we just use—“ I point behind me.

 

“No. No, I do not need—“

 

“Pardon my interruption—“ Friday the AI speaks up. 

 

Loki gasps and backs against the wall. 

 

“—but he does have several infected wounds and there are at least three sites that require stitches.”

 

“NO!” He wails, making a break for the opposite wall and the doors.

 

And then it clicks. _Stitches_. I see it so goddamn clearly I might actually be seeing his memory.

 

_Undistinct shadows drag Loki by the arms, his knees hanging uselessly. He’s moaning, but seems too weak to put up a fight._

 

_I hear, from an unidentifiable third source, “What is it?”_

 

_“Uncooperative subject.”_

 

_“The usual, then?”_

 

_Then, horribly, Loki is strapped to a white table, thrashing and screaming as a hand that looks like it belongs to a months-old corpse enters from the dark. It wraps mushy, yellow fingers around his forehead, holding him in place as another brings a thick needle threaded with twine to his mouth. He yells, abrading and cutting his own skin against the leather as he wrenches away from the needle. The hand on his forehead lifts, makes a vague waving motion, and more straps wrap tightly around his throat and forehead. The dead hand then pinches the edges of his lips together as the needle sinks in._

  

 

Loki collapses on the floor, covering his head while I stagger to an exam table, swallowing down bile. So when Nat suggested we bring him here, he must have partially recalled this...it stopped being me he saw. He just knew he was in some sort of danger. I'm willing to bet he obeyed me hoping I would lighten his "punishment" or something sick like that. And then a little more came back in the elevator while he tried to hold on to reality...until Friday spoke.

 

"Friday, lock all the entrances please." 

 

She complies without comment. Loki has begun sobbing again. 

 

"Loki," I say softly, as I walk over. 

 

He doesn't respond, just pulls tighter into a ball. I sit on the floor against the wall next to him and pull him into my lap. He flails at first.

 

"Shhhh, shhhhhh. I'm here."

 

He's trying to look over his shoulder.

 

"Loki," I cup his cheek gently, relieved when he doesn't put up so much of a fight to look back at me. "Just look at me. I'm not going to hurt you."

 

Big, fat tears, tickle my palm. 

 

"Stay with me, ok? I won't let anything happen to you. We're safe here."

 

He takes a shaky breath, then rests against my shoulder and wraps his arms around me. 

 

"I thought of you." He whispers, tucking his nose into my neck. "Until the pain took away all sanity. I thought of how you felt in my arms."

 

I'm not sure if he means during that particular horror or in the beginning of his whole ordeal. I imagine it was the latter. I don't know how any thought would be possible with so much terror. 

 

"I thought of you too." I murmur into his hair. "I'm so happy to have you again."

 

It sounds like a stupid thing to say under the circumstances, but I have nothing else. I cradle him awhile longer, swaying slightly. I hadn't forgotten what Friday said.

 

"Loki," I hug him closer. "I'm gonna ask Friday how I can help you, then we--you and I--will figure out what we're gonna do. Ok?"

 

He nods weakly.

 

"No matter what she says, we'll decide what happens here."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it's not abundantly clear, I'm sort of making up machinery and medicine to fit the needs of the story. *shrug*
> 
> Also: It's more Whump, but there truly is comfort at the end. Next chapter, we'll probably get some answers. #makingthisupasIgo
> 
> Also also: It's 2 AM, I have to sleep. I'm sure there's mistakes in here. It might even be a suck chapter. I'll edit soon. ;)

He shudders and curls up on my chest, tears wetting my shirt. I hold him close and rest one hand over his ear.

"Friday, could you speak quietly please? Where are the infections?"

"One has begun on his left inner thigh and ankle. His right shoulder and several lacerations on his back are also infected. I would recommend disinfectant on all open wounds and an anti-bacterial compound on those areas."

"What needs stitches?"

"I would recommend three stitches on the top of his right thigh, nine for the largest wound on his back, and five on the right side of his chest."

"Can he have anesthetic?"

"Affirmative, however, it will only take the edge off. There isn't enough to completely numb him."

_Super._ "Can...um....is there anything here that can administer anesthesia and the stitches?"

The light panel above a table against the wall flashes. “With your permission, I can run the programs for you."

"And it's safe?"

"It has been used to assist doctors in several emergency rooms in New York already."

"Ok..."

"I can also alter DUM-E 2 to spray disinfectant and an anti-bacterial solution."

I look over his shoulder and see the machine rolling over to the table.

"Thanks, Friday."

I continue to stroke Loki's while he calms down. Skin on skin contact is soothing to both of us, even if he’s more cuts than skin right now. I hope to god he can sleep for a long time after we get through this.

Eventually, I lift my hand from his ear and help him sit up. 

"Ok. I want you to listen to me really carefully. I want us to go over there," I point to the table, then cup his face in my hand as the tears begin falling. "I'm going to hold you while we let DUM-E 2--that's the little machine--get some disinfectant and ointment on you. Then we're going to close up--shh, shhh," Loki begins fighting against me. "Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Take a deep breath." 

Loki shakes his head desperately, breaths coming too shallow. 

"Sweetheart, you can't heal yourself from this fast enough and I'm not going to let you get any worse. I need you to trust me just a little longer. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you."

I put a hand on the back of his neck and another on his collarbone, giving him that blessed feeling of containment. Safety.

”As soon as we're done, we're gonna go lock ourselves in a spare room. It's going to be just me and you on a bed. You can sleep as much as you want. I won't leave that room for anything. I promise."

I hope he doesn't remember that I promised not to leave the room the first time. And how he woke up in terror, alone, because I broke that promise to answer the phone before Tony kicked my door in.

"The process should take less than 20 minutes." Friday chirps.

"Can you hang in there for 20 minutes?" I ask, cupping his cheeks.

"Will...will you still think me a brave warrior by the end?" He chokes out. I have to admire the attempt at humor, even though I'm quite sure he's also truly asking.

"Absolutely." I rest my forehead against his. "You're doing just fine. We’re gonna do this one step at a time, just like before.”

He begins shaking as soon as we make our way for the table and equipment, and I know no amount of hushing is going to make this better. He manages to rest one hand on the cold white metal before he flinches away.

"Hey, hey. Easy--this is ok. You're safe."

_They're dragging him into the room--_

"No--stay with me, Heart."

\-- _the two figures are hoisting him onto the table, strapping him limb by limb until his spread-eagle._

I get in between him and the table and place his hands on my sore shoulders instead. 

"Loki, listen to me. Listen to my voice. That's not what's happening right now. It's just me. Just me and you."

He meets my gaze with streaming eyes, gasping. 

"That's it. Keep looking at me. You’re gonna hold on to me for this, remember?”

”Yes...yes. I..remember.” He manages, his fingers digging into me as he tries to ground himself.. 

I wait, running my thumb along the curve of his neck. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

It takes everything in him to allow me to undress him again. I can feel echoes of something in his memory, something about being vulnerable, but he’s fighting it off to the best of his ability. ( _Note to self: Tell Nat to add mind-reading or something to this suddenly exponentially longer list of weird stuff I can do._ )

My stomach turns when I see the blood stains on the insides of the pants and shirt. He’s still losing blood, and it looks like it’s in exactly the places Friday specified. Neither of us want him to face stitches...and now I can see what allowing him to avoid them will do.

Just as I finish gingerly removing the pants (keeping my expression smooth despite gnawing panic), a panel to the right opens with absurdly nice robes. Like spa robes _._

He grabs my hand, whimpering, when I move to grab some. "I'm just going like four steps that way. Something you can wear."

I grab two, thinking I'll use one for extra heat if needed. Or maybe I'll wear it when we're done. It'd be like getting a hug from an alpaca. I set them at my feet and take his hand again.

"I'm right here. Nothing bad is going to happen."  _Other than all this fucking pain_. "Do you want some anesthetic?"

He shakes his head violently, sweat beads dropping to the floor. 

"This is not an alcohol disinfectant. It shouldn't hurt." Friday puts in. 

_Oh, thank god_.

"Hear that? This is gonna be easy. Let’s do your back first. We’ll get you in a robe as soon as we’re done.” 

I put his hands back on my hips (my shoulders are killing me), unable to miss the fact that he can't look at the table I'm leaning on. He keeps his head down and to the side, shaking slightly. _One step at a time_ , I remind myself.

“I've got you.” I stroke his hair and hush him when the spray startles him. It coats him from the neck down in what looks like a clear mist. As promised, it doesn't hurt, and he allows himself to be turned around, leaning against me and resting his head on my shoulder. 

"You're doing well."

He barely manages a nod, then turns around again once DUM-E 2 rolls back. He accepts the robe and seems to relax a little, leaning into me. He forgot that there’s a step two...

"...Now we have to fix you up a little bit."

So much for sugar-coating it. He jerks back like I slapped him.

"How...How many?”

I bite my lip. "Three sets of..s--titches." I barely get the word out and he's backing up, staring in horror at the table and equipment behind me.

“I know, I know! Loki, Im so sorry.” I don’t bother to go into an explanation that this is the only equipment we have, that the cradle from the Ultron days was destroyed. He doesn’t care. I put up a hand and follow him as he stumbles backwards, hyperventalating.

_The rotting hand brings a restraint over his throat._

I dart forward and pull him close, even when he fights me. "Shhh, shh, it's just me. I'm not gonna hurt you."

_He’s screaming in agony as the first stitch bridges across his lips._

We sink to the floor as he begins crying, trying to hide his mouth behind his hands.

“Easy, Heart. Easy. No ones gonna strap you down. It’s just me and you in here. That’s how it’s gonna stay. All the doors are locked.”

_The rotting hand presses down on the newly sewn threads as he writhes._

The fury surges within me. I have just enough wherewithal to aim my hand at something that can be destroyed silently. The rest of the robes in the cabinet shred and fall to the floor, unnoticed by Loki, who's having a full on panic attack. 

“LOKI. You're ok! You're ok." I wrap him in a bearhug and press his head into my shoulder. "Shhh, shhhhh. You're safe. Loki, it's ok!"

He clings to me, soaking my shoulder with trickles of sweat and tears. He's shaking so violently it scares me. I tip my mouth to his ear, swaying slightly on the spot. "Shhh, shhhhh. It's just you and me." 

He flinches when I begin to stroke his hair, whimpering. I pull him back to look him in the eye. "Put your hand on my chest.” 

He looks exceptionally confused, mouth open and gasping.

"It's ok." I tap my collar bone. "Put your hand right here."

He does so cautiously, watching my expression, wary but desperate.

“Can you feel my heart?”

Yes.

“Can you feel me breathing?”

Yes.

“Ok. Copy me. Don’t—“ I say quickly when his eyes move to the table, “think about anything else. Just breathe like I do.”

I count to ten breaths, relieved to see him gaining control and awareness as we go. 

“Good. You’re doing good, sweetheart.”

His hand twitches, bunching up the skin over the bone. I stretch my hand behind me and grab the second robe. Bringing the cuff to his neck, I stroke the side that's bruised but smooth. "Do you feel that?"

He nods. 

"Focus on it."

I run it up and down the unbroken parts of his skin for a minute, treasuring, completely inappropriately, how he's still "gripping" the space over my heart. His shoulders slowly go slack as he stares at his hand, seeming fascinated by the way it rises with my breath. I keep stroking his hair for a moment, uncomfortably aware that there's fresh blood dripping on the floor. We have to move.

“Should we try and put you to sleep?”

His eyes widen, and he shakes his head. He wants to be able to run.

“Are you sure?”

“I cannot...wake alone. Away from you.”

_In case something happens here while he's under._

"Alright. I understand...." I see the puddle of blood growing. "Let's get up."

Immediately he clutches my wrists, choking back sobs.

“Would it help if I asked you to do this for me?" My god, I really hope it does. Otherwise it just sounds like I'm asking him to willingly torture himself.

My heart goes cold when I meet his frightened gaze. I mirror him, my hand over his heart, "This is awful and I wish there was some other way to help you heal. But I want you whole, my One. That's all."

The quiver of his lips and the way his hand shakes breaks my resolve. Surely he'll heal in time. Maybe Thor will know something we can do instead of this.

"It's your choice, Loki. I won't force this on you."

“If it were truly a choice, I would not be here.”

“No,” I concede, “you would be on Asgard—“

“I would have us under the stars while you recited that poem...about a snowy evening. 

I blink. Oh.

“Promise me..." His green eyes are bright and vulnerable, peaking up at me, "You will recite it again one day.” 

“...yeah. Yeah. Of course I will.”

He closes his eyes, trembling. I wait, not sure what this actually means. Then he pulls himself into my arms again, crying quietly. "Heal me, my Heart."

I almost wish he'd refused. This really is me asking him to torture himself. "Ok."

We sit there, rocking for another minute or two. Then I slowly shift to my knees and help him to his feet. He's trembling by the time we make it back to the machines, and I almost have to lift him on to the table myself. 

"I want you to sit up with your knees bent." I say quietly. "Good. Lean on them."

I shimmy the robe down his back, feeling him shudder. Hands at his shoulders, forehead against his, I whisper, "You're ok. I'm here."

He gasps when the needle from the anesthetic pokes him, and I have to hold him steady. "Stay with me. Look at me, Loki. I've got you. I know...."

Loki squeezes his eyes shut as the machine begins it's work. "Ahh! Ahh!!"

Tears are running unchecked down my face as I tighten my grip. "Stay still---you're ok. Look at me."

"AHH!"

This is, hands down, the worst thing I've ever experienced. If I wasn't busy drowning in guilt and fear, I might be so filled with rage I could collapse the building. The gash on his back is supposed to be the most stitches, I think, and I assure him the worst is over the second the machine arm pulls back.

He's a mess, half out of his mind in terror despite his best efforts to stay in the moment. I wrap his back up in the robe and brace myself.

"Sweetheart..I need you to lie back."

_He's kicking and screaming as the two figures drag him to the table._

_The needle has moved to the middle of his lips, but he can still scream. It's pulling the skin, but the threads are intact._  

"Hey, hey, hey.  _Stop_."

I don't plan for it-- _when do I?_ \--but a wave of light bursts from my hands, trickling down his front and...absorbing? We both freeze for a split second, shocked, and then I feel the transfer of love and protection flowing from me into him. That visceral sense of _I will defend you with everything in me._ Just like with Tony. It seems to build between us, washing over him and filling him up. It dissolves the flashback, leaving Loki gaping at me.

I don't have the energy to be impressed or confused anymore. I just forge ahead.  _Yes, let's pretend that was 100% normal._

"Trust me." I whisper, and slowly lower him to his back. I subtly move the robe from what I'm really hoping were the areas Friday specified. But it's easy, because Loki is utterly in shock. It strikes me that this might be the first time he's ever felt love like that from someone other than his mother. I mean, nobody feels love like that because this is insane magical bullshit, but...I don't think he expected me to care this much. Anyone to.

"Take my hand. We're gonna do this fast like we did at the apartment. You've been through enough, ok?"

He pulls me in and...kisses me. Just once, and very simply. I stumble ever so slightly when I break away. His hand is in my hair--I don't remember when it got there. But I don't have time to say anything. The anesthetic is pumped in his leg and his side and he's gritting his teeth trying not to scream, quivering. His thigh is sewn in under a minute, but I don't have a chance to tell him we're almost done. This is the first time he sees the machine, as it moves up to take care of his ribs. 

"You're almost there--" I hold him down when he tries to bolt up. "Look at me. Look at me. Say my name."

"My Heart." He gasps, making new cuts in my biceps, his hands shaking terribly. Thank god, the machine pauses, since the subject isn't still.

"Nothing is going to hurt you. Shhh...Loki. I've got you. Relax. _Relax_ " 

He collapses, utterly spent, back on the table. 

"Just two more minutes and I'll take you away from here."

He breaks down. I don't try and stop him, I just bend over and turn his face away, whispering comfort and letting him tear into me as the stitches begin. He presses his lips together, eyes closed and eyebrows crushed in. I have never hated myself more than in this moment as I hold him still so Tony's machine can work. Loki moans and shakes his head, and finally screams, unrestrained, thrashing the moment the mechanical arm pulls back.

He's still screaming, tears cascading, as I pull him up, drowning out any comfort I can come up with. He launches himself away from the thing, into my arms, and we collapse on the ground again. I can only hug him and let him cry himself hoarse. He cries for so long I decide to get him into our room and let him cry himself to sleep. He's earned it.

It's a struggle to get him to his feet, and for the second time that night I'm almost carrying him. I trust that there's more (unshredded) robes in the room, that someone will come and collect the clothes I'm leaving behind and wash them for me. Because I'm not letting go of him for a damn thing now.

We go two floors up to what I remember being the private suite Tony was offering a few guests after two many Tonytails..or whatever the fuck he was calling those drinks. Friday locks the door behind us without my asking.

I manage to get a towel from the bathroom and wet it with cold water, then get him to the huge bed before my own strength gives out.

"Hushhh, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just pulling the covers back."  

And then, finally, we're back where we should have been able to stay for hours before. He keeps crying awhile longer while I wipe down his face, holding the cold cloth under his puffy eyes and against his flush cheeks. Finally--it has to be at least an hour later--he moves from rattling sobs to intermittent gasps, cradled in my arms, my legs walling him in. 

I run my fingers through his sweaty hair like a comb and pet the back of his neck. "You're ok. Everything will be ok now."

Loki closes his eyes, the last few tears catching the ambient city light from the window. He snuggles into my neck, and I scoot us down a little so he's lying on my chest.

He doesn't open his eyes again. I go back to petting his hair, my heart soaring as his breathing finally-- _finally_ \--slows.

" _Whose woods these are, I think I know. His house is in the village, though..._ "

~TBC~


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I, like a few of my fellow AO3ers, am not totally confident in my copying of Steve's speech pattern. Here's hoping I got it halfway believable. 
> 
> More soon. :) As usual, its 2 AM, so this is going out as an extremely rough draft. I'll edit later today!

He sleeps..well, like an angel. It sounds cliche since “they’re basically gods," but....despite bruises, patterned holes around his mouth, cuts...he has those long eyelashes, the curves of his lips are still graceful. He does the thing apparently all men can do—he becomes a boy in his sleep. I stroke his hair and any part of his face/neck/shoulder I can that won’t hurt him, watching my hand weaving in and out of the ambient light.

After an hour or so, I lay down beside him, resolved to my eyes and drift, but stay awake in case of nightmares. Instead, I’m blinking my eyes to sun that’s already creeping up the opposite wall from the window.

Loki breathes softly beside me, one arm under the pillow and the other pressed into his side. His robe is draped artfully over the lines of his thighs and waist. I can see the stitches on his thigh and the tail end of the one along his rib cage. They look better—slightly less inflamed. 

I can just see the outline of a rib and remember my to-do list item: feed him. I’m not sure if he’ll wanna venture out or have me bring something, but under no circumstances am I letting him wake up alone again.

“Loki.” I murmur. 

This time, I’m not surprised when he flails into a sitting position, shrieking, bracing his arms and gritting his teeth. Something I’ve come to recognize as his “battle posture.” Nor am I surprised—should I be anymore?—that, when he moves to strike, eyes foggy and unaware, his fist slows without his consent as it nears my cheek, crawling to a stop with a golden glow whisping off his knuckles. 

It frightens him, though, and he yanks his arm back.

“Loki,” I start, catching his wrist before he smashes it into the wall with force I’m positive would break bone. “Stop. Stop, Heart. Look at me.”

He struggles for a moment against my grasp until I lay my other hand over his fist. He looks up, confused and startled.  _That's not something they would do...Whoever "they" are._

“Hi.” I smile gently. 

He blinks a few times, then says timidly, “Hi.”

“You ok now?”

“Yes. Don’t—“ He jumps when I start to let go, “Remove your hand. Please.”

He rolls his hand to wrap his narrow fingers over mine.

I squeeze. “Ok.” 

“Where...where are we?”

“We’re in Stark Tower in a locked suite.”

I pause, waiting to see if he needs more information. If I were him, I’d want everything bite-sized.

He furrows, looking around and then down at the absurdly fluffy robe. He plucks at it.

“You don’t remember changing, huh?”

Loki shakes his head, growing agitated.

I squeeze his hand. “What to you remember? From last night,” I amend quickly when his lips tremble slightly. 

“I...I remember...a shower.”

“Excellent, since we definitely took one.”

“And I remember...the moon.”

 

I’m completely lost until he looks down at his chest again. “You remember me helping you put on that shirt from _Dark Side of the Moon_.”

He nods. “All else...”

I can literally feel his pulse quicken. Either I’m that...what, attuned?...or he’s that stressed.

“....is...is..." 

"Painful. I know. Let's focus on right now, ok?"

He nods, swallowing hard.

"I want you to have some food and water. Should we go out together, or should I bring--"

I can feel someone coming from beyond the doorway. Dollars to dimes it's Tony coming to bitch about us sleeping in.  

"What? What is it?!"

Loki shrinks away, grabbing my shoulder (ow), ready to bolt and seeming ready to drag me with him. That last part warms me, despite the circumstances. Not everyone could even consider protecting others less than 24 hours after escaping their own hell. 

"Shh, shh, nothing is wrong!" I take him by the back of the neck and draw him close. "Someone is coming--"

He wails and tries to pull away--I'm not surprised, but I didn't have time to phrase it better because I know--Two soft knocks on the door tell me immediately it's not Tony. Loki struggles against me.

"Stop, stop," I murmur, "I'm not gonna let anything hurt you. I think it's Nat." 

"Don't let them in! Don't--"

I take his face between my hands gently. " _Listen to me_. You are safe. You were in a really, really bad place before but now you're with me. And I will protect you now."

He's gasping softly, but coming around a lot faster.  _Progress._

"Ok. You're doing good, Loki. I'm gonna go--shh, I'm gonna go answer the door." I shift off the bed despite his whimper, pointing to the soft quilt that was probably made from Queen Elizabeth's personal goose feather supplier. "You pull that around you and watch me. This is just like last night. I will not leave this room."

He's not ok with this--not at all. In fact, he moves closer to me. I know, somehow, that it's to be within arm's reach in case something tries to hurt me. His resolve crumbles when I get to the door, and I feel him scrambling back, drawing the sheets into his fists. With a sweep of my hand, I paint the barrier before him again before turning the handle.

Steve is standing on the other side, coffee in hand. 

"Don't I usually bring one of those for you?" 

"I don't usually get the chance to deliver stuff to you." He offers the cup to me. "May I come in?"

I accept it, replying barely audibly. "Move real slow, keep your eyes on me at first, and don't react to anything."

I back up to allow him space. He does not look at Loki, but affably follows me in and stays next to the door as I close it. I turn to see Loki, utterly horrified, too frightened to move. All at once I feel guilty as hell, as though I should have known how to handle all this, then angry for the briefest moment that there was still a _this_ to handle. I wanted my Loki to be safe and ok and whole again.

"Look at me."

I stare at Loki straight on, grateful that Steve understood and is pretending Loki isn't there. Loki quivers, but makes eye contact. 

"Nothing will hurt you. No one will take you from this room. If you want to stay, that's what's going to happen. Do you understand me?"

He nods very slightly.  _Thank god_. 

"I'm gonna come over there and sit with you again. Steve's gonna stand right where he is."

_Look at me, indirectly bossing around the supersoldier._ I put my hand at waist height and lower it to the floor, dissolving the wall. Loki makes a scared sort of sob, but remains in place. I walk back over, climb back between the strewn pillows, and position myself to face Steve while blocking Loki partially behind me. Steve is leaning against the wall, looking like he's just here to shoot the shit. 

"How's it going in the outside world?"

"The sun rose in the east. It could be worse." He offers Loki the smallest smile before returning to me. "We still haven't contacted Thor, and we still don't know how Loki got here, but Banner has an idea. I think. He needs you."

"You think?" I reach behind me to take Loki's trembling hand.

"Well," He shrugs, "Tony had a lot to say when he got back here yesterday. It peaked Banner's interest."

Banner is into particle physics...I think. Astrophysics? No....uuuuh...something physics. Which probably means he wants to try and study the weird stuff I can do. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea. I totally love Bruce. But...it wasn't an accident only Nat knew about it.

"So does that mean he thinks something about me is related to how Loki got here?"

"You know me, Hayden. It took me a month to find the books I download without opening every application." He smirks. "Banner just said 'I wonder...' and then Stark said, 'Exactly.' And the two of them wandered off."

I can't honestly say that put me more at ease. Steve's ice-blue eyes soften. "We all know what it's like to be put under a microscope here. Kind of literally. We've got your back."

I nod. So I definitely have to leave the room, which means...

"Loki, do you want some breakfast?" Steve asks.

 Loki flinches back, gripping my hand painfully hard. Steve looks completely unperturbed. "We've got a bit more than your basic continental breakfast out there if you're interested."

I'm fully aware Loki has no idea what that means, but it's the tone that matters. Steve's nailing it. 

"Banner and Stark are working in the l..ower level," He catches himself and wisely changes what I'm sure was the word "lab," "when you wanna find them. I'm gonna go work out for a bit. Give you two some space."

"Thanks, Steve. I'll bring you the next cup." I hold up my own. 

"No need. Pretty sure I still owe you several." 

He closes the door behind him. I'm 100% bringing him coffee every day for the rest of the year.

 

~TBC~

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As is apparently the rule, this is a first draft I'm putting out there without editing because I have to go to bed. I'll take another look at this tomorrow. Hope it doesn't read too choppy before then.
> 
> Thanks for enjoying this with me. Makes me feel a little less weird.
> 
> Also, yes, I did switch the title. It didn't flow the other way. :P

Loki’s gaze bounces between me and the closed door.

“What does this remind you of?”

I hate to see his shoulders go rigid, but if I want my One to recover, I have to know a little bit about what happened. How _now_ copies  _then_.

He grits his teeth and looks down, suddenly ashamed. “I remember being shackled to a wall, waiting for the door opposite me to open.”

“Ok. So are you afr—do you want to keep the doors open? Does that help?”

He considers. Nods. “But...not when we sleep. I would like the door to be locked then.”

“We can do that.”

“Ms. Hayden.” Friday speaks up. Loki chokes on a gasp. “Ms. Romenoff would like to send up some clothes she retrieved from your apartment earlier this morning.”

“Cool. Where—“

“There is a panel next to the door. Mr. Stark calls it the DUM-waiter.”

“Of course he does.”

Upon pressing the panel, it slides back, revealing some capris and a sleeveless blouse for me, a pair of sweatpants I don’t recognize, and another of my retro shirts-turned PJs (“Sound of Silence” album cover).

My cheeks flush when I turn around. He’s awake and alert now—that means I don’t need to help him, right? Or should I offer? And should I turn around when I change or something?

_Hayden. For gods sake, you’re both adults. And you’re obviously in some sort of relationship...sort of...I think._

With nonchalance I was hoping to fake-til-I-make, I toss his clothes next to him, then strip off my own. I made a meal out of looking down “to keep my balance” while taking off my underwear. 

“Hayden.”

My head snaps up. Hearing him say my name...it’s decadent. His voice is trembling slightly, but even so, those syllables in that accent....It’s like he’s addressing a queen. But his expression is raw, his eyes howling in pain. My heart stops.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong?” I start to cover myself, thinking I had somehow traumatized him, but he holds up his arms.

“Please...I...Please.” Tears run down his face.

“Loki, sweetheart—“ I scramble on the bed into his embrace. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

He claws at me, desperately pulling me closer and burying his face in my shoulder and breaking down. 

“I don’t—I’m so sorry.” I repeat, then realize I’m still naked. “Hang on, let me get some of the blanket or something.” 

“No, please don’t.” He manages, then hugs me even tighter. “I just...I had forgotten...After awhile, I could hardly remember your face..though I....tried valiantly.”

That last part sounds like an apology, and he follows it up with tears that drip between our chests.

“It’s alright, Loki. It’s alright now.” I whisper.

He keeps crying, readjusting his grip repeatedly as though he couldn't hold me close enough.

“Hey, hang on a second.” I push him back just slightly. "Shh, I’m not going anywhere.”

I tug on the shoulder of his robe, letting it drop to the floor. He lets me, even while he winces. The stitches must be tender. Ok, everything must be tender. 

"Com'ere." I point to the headboard, helping him rest against the pillows. Then I carefully straddle his legs, keeping my weight on my knees but pressing them up against his thighs. He gathers me in his arms, skin against skin, breathing me in.

"Is that better?" I ask. He nods.

I stroke his back, his tears running between my shoulder blades now. "It's alright. I'm here." I murmur.

In time, his hold begins to weaken. I lean back to kiss his cheek. "You need something to eat and drink. I need to talk to Bruce, apparently."

He takes a few steadying breathes. "Would it be alright if..."

 He bows his head, a little color tinging his cheeks. I run my thumb along his jawbone and smile patiently. 

"If I were to stay close to you? For awhile?"

"Oh, of course. Loki, we'll do anything you need, ok?"

For a beat, he looks at me like a blind man seeing, I don't know, Starry Night for the first time. Utter, undisguised awe.

"What?"

"I can see it."

"...See what?"

"It's so...beautiful." He traces the curve of my cheekbone as it dips under my eye. "You radiate power."

The skin under his finger grows hot. I have no idea what to say. I'm glad that it doesn't scare him anymore. He keeps studying my eyes. 

"Do...do you mean you can literally see it?"

"I do."

I look away, shy.

"Oh..." He breathes to himself. "It's even in your skin." 

"..What does it look like?"

"Like...viewing stars from underwater."

He keeps touching me, tracing what he must see on my shoulders, across my collarbone. In another reality--maybe a future one--I imagine this would turn into some sort of passionate lovemaking. But it's the furthest thing from his mind, I think. He's not erect, anyway. Oh, right. G _et some fucking food in the poor man._

I lay my fingers carefully along his hips and allow myself one long, soft kiss. 

"Come on. Let's get something to eat."

Fear leaks back into his expression. He twitches away from the door unconsciously. Something occurs to me--something I want Loki to see. But if he can see it, then...maybe Bruce could too. Could I talk to Bruce if I knew he could actually measure this?

"My One." I whisper. "I want to show you something. I want you to look behind me."

He's instinctually frightened for a moment, but I see him peak over my shoulder as I "feel out" the area. It's like a mix between reaching my hand into a gray space and having heat vision, sort of. By feeling the air, I can see the outlines of the door frame, the ostentatious art on the walls. (I know for a fact Tony bought one of those because he thought it was hilarious to spend $2 million on a painting that was literally three brush strokes.)

"Do you see the stars?"

He nods, fear wiped away again. 

"I feel things coming. That's how I knew someone was at the door before they knocked. It means nothing can sneak up on us. Does that help?"

"Yes." He breathes. 

I do have to help him get the shirt on, but, as a gift, I don't put my clothes yet. It's not lost on me that he can't tear his eyes away from my body. Again, I'm pretty sure that's not a sexual thing. I'm not sure how it could be, given how battered he is. But it distracts him from the pain, and that was the goal.  

He hangs back from the door when I go to open it, then follows me closely down the hall. His breathing picks up when we step off the elevator and hear voices in the kitchen. He pulls back. 

"I can't. I can't."

"Hey, hey, hey." I turn back just in time to keep him from bolting to the elevator. "You're alright. I've got you."

His breathing is shallow, eyes wide and going glassy.

"Heart. Stay with--"

_Loki, shackled to a stone wall, hands above his head. His strength has given out, knees buckled and weight on his wrists. His body shines with blood. His chest moves so little he could have been dead. But when the door to the shadowy cell swings open, he bursts back to life, pressing himself against the wall and trembling violently. Shadows fill the room, then swarm him. Unseen hands tear at his clothes, choking him, making nail marks down his ribs and thighs. Darkness trickles down his hips and obscures his groin. He begins screaming, writhing--_

"NO." 

I have ZERO control over it--I feel the bodies rushing into the hallway, and the barrier erupts. I don't know who I knocked over, just that it was more than one person. Somebody's shout is cut off. I can tell I forced them all to stay on the other side of the wall.

Loki collapses against me, shaking so hard he can't get a full breath in.

"Shhh, shh, shhhhhhhh." We sink to the floor, and I tuck his head into the crook of my neck, hiding the others from view. 

"No! I can't--not again. No more."

"No, no, Loki, listen to me--"

"Please," His throat begins closing, "Please get me away from here."

"Heart, I've got you. Nothing will hurt you."

I rock side to side as he sobs, hugging him to me and cupping the back of his head. I so wish the others would leave...but this is intense. I'm not surprised they can't tear themselves away.  

"Sweetheart...hang on. I know--shhh, I'm not going anywhere. I just want you to look at me."

He sees the people behind us and wails, but I hold him fast. "Shh, shh. Look at me. It's just you and me."

"Hayden." Steve's voice startles me, and, I'm ashamed to admit, the barrier jumps out and forces them back another foot. He doesn't react. Because Steve's a badass. "Hayden, let us help."

_Absolutely fucking not_.  _This is mine and I will tear down anything that gets within two feet of us._ It takes everything in me not to expand the wall until they get pinned around the corner. 

"Let one of us bring you some water, Hayden. And maybe a blanket?" 

_Water_. Loki needs that desperately. 

"Keep looking at me. Right at me. Find the stars." I whisper to him. "Don't take your eyes off the stars. They will protect you."

I barely know what I'm saying. In the last 12 hours, he's shed tears and sweat without taking a sip of anything whatsoever--not even the shower water running down his face. Maybe it's just the adrenaline in me, but my desire to shield him and my growing fear he'll die from dehydration are stealing my ability to think. 

_You can't panic now. You have to help him._ My thoughts swim back into focus. They won't harm him. They're exactly the backup I would want in this situation--in any situation. But the terror in my Loki's eyes makes it almost impossible for me to drop the shield. 

"Hayden," Steve repeats gently. "It's ok. We can help you."

"Yeah. Yeah." I don't take my eyes off Loki. "Sorry. Yeah. Do--um, do me a favor....grab a bottle of water or whatever and...set it behind me? And then back up?"

"Of course." 

Coffee, three times a day, for the next five years.

It takes everything in me to let that wall down. I feel so damn stupid--I know in my head that no one would do anything, but I'm so furious at that vision....I have to block it from my mind when I feel Steve getting closer. Otherwise I might rip him apart. _If this is how I feel, seeing 15 seconds of Loki's past...why the hell did I think it was a good idea to bring him out here_? 

Loki's pants turn into gasps as Steve's shadow falls on us. 

"Look at me. Shhhh, just look at me. Nothing will touch you. Nothing will hurt you." I take his shivering face between my hands and hold him steady. 

Steve puts a big glass behind me and nudges it forward a bit. "There. We got you." He backs up a few steps.

Without breaking eye contact, I reach behind me and bring it around. 

"Good. You're ok. Hold out your hand."

His shaky hand comes up, and I help guide it to his lips. 

"Everything is alright. I got you. Just take a sip." 

I'm so goddamn relieved to see him take in some water that the barrier falls to the floor. 

~TBC~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More intense chapter in the beginning. I promise he *WILL* get better! Sorry about the wonky spacing. I haven't figured out why that keeps happening yet.
> 
> Repeated caveat: I love the movies, I do some cursory research, but I don't ACTUALLY KNOW the Marvel Universe as well as, say, Harry Potter. I know "way too much" about HP. So whatever facts I get wrong, forgive me!
> 
> Also, I feel like I should acknowledge that I know my chapter breaks are weird. Usually they end up happening because it's midnight or later and I want to put something out.

The second the barrier falls, Tony and Bruce move forward, and--

_Loki, chained in the open, lips sewn and bleeding. A figure in front and behind him, closing in. It looks like a sort of sandwich hug, but he begins writhing, shrieking madly. Their indistinct, black auras cover every inch of his skin, then sink beneath the surface. His muffled screaming kicks up a notch, thrashing against the jangling chains as the auras seem to mix and overlap within him._

Loki shrieks, knocking the water out of my hand and scrambling to his feet. He starts throwing wild punches at Steve, who blocks them effortlessly. 

“Loki! Loki, calm down!” Steve shouts, while Tony dodges around Bruce, iron arm spreading up his shoulder. 

Loki, desperately, "I know nothing!!!"

_“Liar. You think I don’t know your silver tongue?”_

_Loki, chained, clothes freshly torn. His face is relatively unharmed...the early days of his capture. A pair of lips poking out of a gritty black cloud hovers close to Loki's ear, then bites his cheek hard enough to draw blood. Loki holds back a yell as long as he can, fists clenched and shaking._

“Loki.” I gasp, stumbling as my vision keeps flickering between the present and the past.

“Dude, for once, no one wants to hurt you.” Tony tries, one Iron and the other bare palm held up in peace.

_Back to the grey-black open space. The "hands" of multiple beings melting through his skin, weaving between his organs as he twists on his chains. No threads to hold back the sounds of agony and fear._   

"Loki," I try again.

He snarls, clawing at Steve without strategy. He seems unable to decide between attacking outright and keeping everyone away. Bruce is several steps back blocking the hallway. Loki seems to have forgotten I'm behind him. All his focus is on keeping the men away. 

_A dusty shadow forcing its way down his throat...Now lifting him up by the hair, bending him over backwards while the bloodied knots of a flogger rain down._

I stagger to my feet, dizzy, and fall against the wall. 

_Loki being strapped to that table, jerking frantically, wide-eyed as the needle--_

I force myself off the wall, reaching out for him. He feels me coming and whirls around, slashing at my face. A golden barrier ripples between his nails and my cheek, and his hand slides passed harmlessly. He tries again with the other fist, which I manage to catch.

"NO! NOOOO!"

_Mushy, rotting darkness pressing down on his freshly sewn lips--_

I reach around and cup the back of his head, trapping our fists between us. He struggles against me. Our faces are so close together I can see the tiny brown flecks in his huge, panic-stricken green eyes. His breathes are short and shallow.

_"Shhhh,_ it's ok. It's ok." I press his face even closer to mine. "I'm here. I'm right here."

Tears and sweat blend on his face. He whimpers, trying to pull back, his entire body shaking.

"Shhhhhh. Look at me. _I'm not gonna hurt you._ " I whisper.  _You know me._ The golden light flows from both my hands.  _Protected. Loved. Secure. "_ I've got you."

The emotions begin to fill him. He slowly comes back to reality, panting heavily. His knees buckle, expression crumpling miserably. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steve and Tony begin to dart forward, then restrain themselves as I manage to get us both kneeling on the floor. I gather Loki in my arms as he breaks down, crying and hugging me tightly, face buried in my shoulder.

"Shh, shh, shhh." I comb my fingers through his hair and hold him close. The only thing I can think to do is rock him there and keep petting his hair. My heart is so heavy it might fall through the goddamn floor.

"Let's get him some more water." Steve murmurs to Tony, who looks disturbed, but nods and walks away.

"What can I do?" I hear Bruce ask quietly. 

I catch Steve's eye and mouth  _food_.

"See if Stark's got something bland around here. Toast with butter, maybe." Steve looks back at me and says quietly, "I'll get that blanket." 

I gingerly check the stitches, all of which seem to have made it through the struggle,  _thank god_. The light touch makes him jump. 

"I--I--" He tries, agitated. "I didn't--I--"

I run the pad of my thumb under his eyes. "I know."

I have no fucking clue. But he stops, instead just panting, open mouthed, eyes shining. I keep stroking his face while he stares at me like I'm the only thing keeping him from being ripped away. 

I see Steve set a blanket on one of the plush leather couches and take two huge glasses of water from Tony. The faint smell of toast reaches us. I look back down at Loki.

"Let's go lie down."

He looks over to see Tony leaning against the wall and Steve and Banner sitting on the adjacent seats. A plate of toast has joined the water. Loki begins shivering again.

"Heart--sweetheart. Look at me." I turn his face back. "They want to talk to me, not you."

He just looks up at me, afraid.

"They're here to help. I will hold on to you the whole time. I promise."

Gathering my strength, I pull us to our feet, Loki's fingers digging at my bruised shoulders and arm. We stumble over to the couch, where I manage to prop myself against the far arm like I did in my apartment. I guide him to lay between my legs again, arms around my waist. He curls up, hiding part of his face in my chest.

"You're alright." I whisper.

Tony leans over and pushes the blanket within my reach.  _Thank you_ , I mouth. He nods once, face grim. Once Loki is covered, I help him take a sip of water, then cover the others from view by wrapping my arm around to pet his back.

The other three watch me, looking so distressed my heart hurts even more.

"Guys." I say gently. "He's gonna be ok."

"He's...this is the worst I've ever seen him." Bruce says quietly. "I never thought I'd feel so sorry for him."

"How did this happen?" Steve asks.

I rub Loki's back in small circles. "I don't know."

"But you can see what he's thinking."

It's not a question. Tony and Bruce turn to Steve, frowning. I make a  _sort-of_ nod. 

"How the hell did you know that?" Tony asks. "Does everybody know about Hayden except me?!"

"I know what flashbacks look like." Steve says.

"But you knew they were  _his_ flashbacks." 

Steve shrugs, looking back at me. "Every time she came back to the present she looked at him. It was something about her expression."

Kudos to Steve. Tony's confidence but Bruce's kindness. It makes him more observant than I realized. 

"Ok, that's it. No more secrets. What can you do, Hayden?" Tony demands.

I stall, bringing the water to Loki's lips. Because once this conversation happens, it's done. They can't unknow it. 

"Mostly just the walls." I try, but Tony's having none of it.

"Nu uh. Now's not the time to be modest."

_The hell would you know about modesty?_  

He continues. "So far I've seen you make sparkly walls, slice through metal, read minds--"

"Mind." I correct reflexively.

"--And I saw something else sparkly happen when Loki took a swing at you."

"I saw that too!" Bruce says, suddenly intrigued and a little excited.

I get Loki to take another drink, in no small part because it helps me avoid eye contact. Mentally I go through the list myself--walls, cutting the suit, extrasensory perception (I guess...? Whatever you call knowing what's happening behind you)...seeing or sensing Loki's memories, being able to stop him from hurting me (sometimes...), and letting other people know how I feel. Six things. Six complicated, 83% new things. 100% of which I had put off telling everyone but Nat.

"How long have you been able to do this?" Steve asks, bringing me back.

A way easier question. "Since I was about 15. But I only know I could make barriers until yesterday." 

"Any reason why it started at 15?"

Bruce leans forward, rolling his glasses between his fingers. 

"Um...there was no spider or serum, if that's what you mean."

"It is."

Steve is easiest to look at. He's not offended to be  _not_ the first person to know, like Tony. And he's not chomping at the bit to study me, like Bruce. He's interested, serious, but not judging.

"I...so you know I didn't have a ton of friends growing up. And like two boyfriends."

Tony opens his mouth to snark, so I hurry on. "My first boyfriend was when I was 15. He was a good basketball player and an opposing team captain took a game loss real personally once. He tried to heckle Craig, and when Craig didn't take the first swing, he did. But..uh...he only got one in. I...stopped him."

Bruce, chewing his lip while he thinks. "Didn't he see how you did it? How did this not make it on the news or something?" 

"I accidentally upper cut him and..uh...He got knocked out. I'm sure he thought Craig did it. But we didn't stick around to find out. 

"So it's triggered by emotion for you." 

The way Bruce looks when he asks makes my stomach churn. This is part of why I didn't say anything. It's not lost on me how similar this is to him and the Other Guy.

"Yeah."

"Can you control it?"

My turn to gnaw on my lips. "Sometimes. Sometimes it happens when I'd rather be calm...and sometimes nothing happens when I try. With certain powers, anyway."

Bruce nods. “Is it just Loki’s past you can see?”

 

 

 

 

“So far.”

"Is there anything else that only applies to him?" 

My skin's growing hot--it makes Loki's cheek feel even colder against my chest. 

"I have no idea." 

"He's the only one you've teleported." Tony speaks up. 

_Damn it. 7 things...If Tony's right_. "We really don't know I did that." 

"I do. The same way I know what I could bench press if I tried."

"No one's going to ask you how much you can press, Tony."

"Likely around 200, thank you for inquiring."

"Literally the opposite of what just happened."

"What? Bench pressing?" Steve looks over his shoulder at Tony, confused. 

"If I can deadlift 230, I can bench press. Different movements, same muscles." 

"Except in this egocentric, forced analogy, I imagine the teleporting would be the harder thing. We only know for sure I can do the other stuff." I say before Tony can get the words out.

He frowns petulantly at me. "It's Occam's Razor."

I throw my head back. "Couldn't you have just said that?"

"You can't tell me you think it's a coincidence that Loki got here via  _your_ apartment." 

Tony's getting spun up, the way he does when he wants to solve a problem. Loki hugs me tighter.

"It's alright." I whisper, tracing the part in his hair. "Nothing bad is happening." 

Bruce interrupts. "But there seem to be two kinds of powers at play here--things that are universal and things that may or may not be specific to Loki."

 

Tony nods eagerly. "Remember how Wanda and the Mind stone had similar energy patterns? What if some of Hayden's powers work like that?"

"And she and Loki--"

_"--_ are connected in a different way. What if some of this wasn't about an energy signature?"

"What are you thinking?" Bruce asks.

Steve sighs. "What are _either_ of you saying?" 

"What if they were connected by--?"

Bruce, intrigued now. “By time?”

"Exactly!"

Steve and I exchange a look. A blink. What the hell are they talking about?

Bruce continues. "But that wouldn't explain--" 

"No, not that part, but it would explain her ability to see--"

"And for the other part, it could work like a--" 

"Like a magnet." Tony points triumphantly. 

Steve looks between Bruce and Tony, nonplussed.

"I will pay the first person to complete a full sentence." I say, retrieving a piece of toast and rubbing the back of his neck while he meekly takes a bite. 

"I would be willing to bet money," Tony begins.

"--a huge sacrifice on your part--"

"--that you have two types of power. Some that are specific to Loki, and some that you could work on anyone."  

"We think, somehow, your timeline and Loki's are intertwined." Bruce tells me eagerly. "That's how you can see into his past. You can walk along it the same way I could walk through that hallway."

Tony walks back to the kitchen and pours himself a drink. "Which means you can see into his future and predict when he lashes out."

I point to my bruised cheek. "What about this?"

Bruce shrugs. "Just because I _can_ walk through the hallway doesn't mean I can't hit the hall."

"Uh....ok, sure. Why not."

"I've never heard of anything like that." Steve folds his arms and leans back, studying me and thinking.

Cheeks flushing again, I coax Loki into another bite of toast and some water. He seems unaware of anything else in the room now.  

"When has that stopped anything we can do from being possible? Bruce says, then looks to me. "I'd bet the other half of your capabilities--the ones not tied specifically to Loki--are based on emotion."

_Stop fucking blushing._ I nod as casually as I can manage. 

Steve, genuinely curious. "What emotion?"

"Uh..."

I squint at the ceiling as if I have to really think to nail it down. I don't. Why was this part so embarrassing? Bruce in particular knew what this was like...

"Anger...sort of..."

All three guys frown, waiting for more.

_Just shoot me. Seriously._

 

~TBC~


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is as much editing of this chapter as I can stand to do for now. Hope you guys continue to enjoy it. :) Thank you all for your comments--they mean A LOT to me. I've never shared my work like this before.

“Uhhh....” I command my heartbeat to slow down before Loki thinks something was wrong.

But what if it was? Won't they think I'm laughable? My stuff is mostly, as Hermione so eloquently said, “a saving people thing.” I’m not even a sidekick flailing to assist. I'm something between the kid whining "stooooooop" when they get cornered in the hall and that one idiot showoff who always comes charging in even when no one actually needed defending.

Either they’ll think I’m a joke (fair) or, possibly worse, they’ll want me to help them defend the world and THEN find out I’m a joke (also fair).

“Hayden?” Steve prompts.

My mouth is gunked up and dry, suddenly, so I take a swig of water before helping Loki do the same.

Stroking his hair, “It happens...when I’m feeling protective. When, ahhh...”  _Surely there’s a less stupid way to phrase that?_  “When I want someone to stop messing with...with someone I care about.”

 _Apparently not_.

“When you wanna be the biggest bully on the playground?” Tony smirks.

Managing not to snarl, “When I want the biggest bully on the playground to knock it off.”

“Wait...” Bruce shifts, suddenly unsure of himself, “I don’t think I get it.”

 _I knew it I knew it I knew it I_ —

“Is there something else to this? You just look like you’ve admitted to regularly kidnapping toddlers or something.”

“Or like you have to streak down Times Square.” Tony adds.

“I mean, guys,” I force a “jokingly” self-deprecating attitude, “I just don’t want you to think I’m trying to be an Avenger. I’m just a weirdo, and I promise I know it.”

Steve shakes his head. “That’s not what we’re saying at all.”

“Yeah. If we wanted to, we’d already be mock you openly. Eagerly, even.”

Bruce raises his hand. “Actually, I wouldn’t.”

“But no one’s mocking you.” Steve tells me earnestly.

“My power is, at best, sort of cute.” I say, exasperated. “It’s legitmately embarrassing to even try and describe it.”

“No, it’s not.” Tony says, striving back to the kitchen to make himself another drink. He looks over his shoulder, cutting of my retort. “It’s not cute. Me petting a miniature pony is cute. What you do is...impactful.”

He suddenly busies himself with the whiskey bottle, and I remember that little squeeze he gave me back in my apartment.

“May I try it?” Bruce asks.

“Try...what?”

“The...glowing hand thing.”

“Oh!”

Again, I feel Loki’s cold cheek as the blush floods.  _Please tell me this isn’t the start of a bunch of experiments..._ Suddenly I'm both embarrassed and angry at myself. They’d ALL been through so much more than me, and I was reluctant to give a fully consenting demonstration?  _Suck it up._

“Hey,” I murmur to Loki, helping him take another bite of toast. “I’m gonna show Bruce—and Steve,” I amend as Steve catches my attention, “Some of what I can do. That means they’re gonna come over here for a minute.”

I make it a point not to react when his grip around my waist begins to hurt.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.” I whisper. “Just hang on to me like you are. It's gonna be ok.”

He nods miserably. As the two stand up, Loki turns his head away. I rest my fingertips over his cheek and ear, blocking out some of the noise again. My thumb swipes back and forth, trying to give him something to focus on.

They stand in front of me curiously. I feel like wrenching Loki’s blanket above my head. My mind goes blank as I reach my hand out to them and they awkwardly take a couple fingers each. What am I doing? How do I do this?

Loki chokes back a cry of fear, making both Steve and Bruce look down. Their sobriety returns, heavy and hurtful. It rushes through me before I plan it.  _I will hold him together. I will get us through this. I will make everything ok for you._ The ribbons wind their way up Steve and Bruce’s arms, effortlessly separating itself and vanishing beneath their skin. I gasp involuntarily as the pressure on my ribs ratchets up suddenly. I swipe for the water as the other two retreat back to their seats.

“Shh, shh, shhhhh. I’m here. You’re alright.” I turn Loki's face even when he resists, coaxing him to drink. “I’m right here.”

His tears run under my shirt.

“Hey.” I tip his chin up just slightly. His eyes are wet, shiny and anguished. “What’s wrong?”

Seems an obvious answer, but maybe I can talk him down. His lips quiver.

“I do not...care...to be surrounded.” He manages.

“I understand." I guide his hand from my aching side and hold it to my collarbone. "Feel my heartbeat and look at the stars."

He stares at our hands, breathing slower. My skin seems to mesmerize him.

I murmur so that only he can hear, "I will protect you. But nothing bad will happen here with them. You're safe."

He rests his ear next to his palm, listening, relaxing. I go back to combing his hair with my fingers.

To get the focus off him, “So...what were you saying about magnets?”

“Yes...What if the two of you are using...complimentary powers, let’s say. Like two sides of a magnet. When you use them at the same time, you draw each other in.” Bruce says, cupping his chin and frowning in thought.

“So I sucked him across the universe? Or from down the street...since we don’t know where he was...”

“Or he hopped on your timeline like it was the 45 to Brooklyn.” Tony says. “It’s called ‘space time.’ Meaning he could literally travel using that connection.”

"And that's one of the things you think is only between him and I?"

"It's a decent hypothesis to start out with." Bruce nods. "The other powers--the ones you can use anytime--I think those are fueled by emotion...a lot like me and the Other Guy."

I rub my forehead. "Yeah."

"So you were feeling...protective...before. That's the only thing that brings it on?"

"It's sort of between anger and conviction, I guess." 

"That's it. We're calling you the Scarlet Hulk." Declares Tony.

"Absolutely not."

"We'll put it to a vote."

"We will forget you brought it up."

"So six abilities." Steve holds up his fingers. "Teleportation, mind-reading and self-defense against Loki, all of which are specific to him. Then you can make barriers, cut things, and transfer your emotions. And those you can do with anyone."

"And...uh...." I press the heel of my palm over my eyes. "I can see stuff that's behind me without turning around? I guess?"

Bruce grins. "Can we just call her the strongest Avenger? I will happily give up the title." 

"No!" Tony and I say, although Tony goes on to add, "And that's my title, by the way."

Steve rolls his eyes--Tony misses it since he's leaning against the kitchen counter. "Banner, do you really think that's how Loki got back here?"

"Well, it's just a theory, but it makes as much sense as anything. We can do some tests--"

_Fuck no._

"--but my gut tells me we're on the right track."

"And you think only Loki could get here that way."

"Through Hayden, yes. But if Hayden can do it, maybe someone else can?" Bruce wrings his hands together. "But I'm not gonna lose sleep thinking Hayden's got competition for that hat trick."

“Well I guess that would alleviate any concern about someone else getting to Earth unnoticed.” Steve seems to loosen up slightly. “But it doesn’t tell us where Thor is.”

Loki flinched, then sat up and turned to face the others. “You have not found my brother?”

“I'm sorry, no. I don’t suppose you have any suggestions?”

His trembling begins again. He chokes, “They have captured him.”

“Who have?” Steve and Tony demand simultaneously.

“Please—you have to help him." Loki becomes more panic stricken with every breath. "He does not deserve my fate!"

"Where would he be?" Steve demands.

"I...know not where I was kept."

Tony throws up his hands. "Of course you don't."

"But you know who captured you?" Steve asks.

Loki nods, muscles growing stoney. I brace him lightly in my arms. 

"The Children of Thanos." He breathes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And is usually the case, I got busy. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I intend to get the next one out sooner. My internship is more than half over!

The moment the words left his mouth he’s a trembling mess, trying to hold back violent sobs.

“It's ok, it's ok.” I tried to soothe him.

He whipped around, yelping. I held up a hand as the others started forward, apparently expecting him to attack.

“No...No!” He cries, gripping my waist with one hand, touching the very tip of his finger to the bruise on my cheek. “I--I didn't...I never told them--”

“Shhh. It's alright.” I say steadily. “They didn't do this. I'm ok.”

Loki’s eyes are wild and glassy. He clambers to inspect me, revealing the crescent bruises on my shoulders and arms. He can’t get a full breath anymore.

“Loki,” Steve starts, but stops as Loki snarls ferally over his shoulder.

“I told you NEVER to touch her!!”

For an odd moment, I can see what Loki must see—where Steve was just a moment ago stands one of “the Children." Hadn't Peter blasted that one into space?

"Easy, buddy."

Tony-not-Tony, now a broad "Child" with fangs half-exposed, his lip seemingly torn (or rotted) off. The one meant to be Bruce has a smile so smug I jolt off the couch, ready to rip the cat o’ nines out of his hand and blast him across the face with it. But the second I take a step forward, I fall back into reality.

Loki is back in his "warrior stance," shoulders squared and fingers poised to weild the blades I don't think he has the strength to conjure yet.

“You, so desperate to avenge your master yet too inept to pry answers from me--"

"Loki, we didn't do that to her." Bruce says.

"I warned you--if you ever laid even your _eyes_ on her I would rip you apart until the very marrow of your bones lay smoldering in your dungeons.”

Tony cocks his head. “Are you angry or are you afraid? I’m losing track.”

_Are you afraid?_

_He was on the ground, unrestrained for the first time, but unable to fight. Loki lifted his face from the dirty stone, dust sticking to the open wound along his jaw. He was sweating and shaking, weak and panting shallowly, but there was fight in his eyes._

_“There is no emotion you could evoke in me that will produce the answers you seek.”_

_A long, translucent needle shoots through the air, lancing him in the shoulder and pinning him to the floor. He grunts, clawing the ground to hold himself together._

_“We have torn your skin more easily than our toughest cattle at slaughter. We have violated your body as thoroughly any captive we could catch. And we have barely begun.”_

_Again, that tall narrow Child of Thanos—I swear to god Peter and Tony said they killed him—hurls another needle at Loki’s other shoulder, pinning him in an awkward, twisted position. The scream he’d held back erupts. His eyes are crunched shut, fists rattling and shaking._

_The Child hovers over and surveys him, smiling lightly._

_“With the more pig-headed, sometimes we begin simply. Let us start with a more basic admission.”_

_A third needle shimmers at his lips and begins to vanish between them._

_“Are you afraid?”_

I collapse on the ground, knees hitting plush carpet. An inch away, a pile of vomit grows as Loki wretches.

My fingers are trembling, I feel sweaty and cold.

“Jesus Christ!”

Steve runs forward and props me up by the shoulder (ow). “What the hell happened?”

“On my end or yours?” I choke.

“He started screaming and you went completely still for almost a full minute. Then you both fell over.”

Bruce is wringing his hands, Tony looks utterly shell-shocked.

”That phrase—asking if he’s afraid—is a trigger.”

“I didn’t know.” Tony mumbles.

“Don’t worry about it. Just give us a few minutes alone? I’m going to get him back downstairs.”

The three leave immediately. I wish I had the energy to say something to take some of their pain and anxiety away. Instead, I shake off the flu-like adrenaline rush.

“Loki?”

His head snaps up, eyes still glassy. Again, he sees the bruise and his face crumples. “No...no....”

Gently but firmly I say, “No, no. Loki, stop.”

When I reach out to take his hand, he flinches back.

“Alright.” I put my hand back down. “Can you hear me?”

I just barely catch a nod. Suddenly, confusingly, I’m looking through his eyes again. If I didn’t know what I was seeing I would have no idea that blur was me.

“You’re alright. I’m here.” I say softly.

His vision goes clear enough that he can see my expression and the bruise, then fuzzes out again. I’m back in my own head.

He lists to the side, looking weak.

“Loki, I want you to listen to me.” I move closer—he jerks away but I’m close enough to whisper, “Focus, my One. I will take you away from here.”

His breathing quiets so he can listen. Maybe so he can evade detection.

“Follow me. Follow my voice.”

I stand up carefully and wait for him to follow. His eyes are trained on me. He gets up shakily and tests his foot, then the other. I back up to the elevator. Loki uses the wall for support, agitated but too desperate not to trust me.

“That’s it. You’re alright.”

I feel his fear—again, not sure if that’s some hardcore couples empathy or a power thing.

“I know you’re not sure if this is real. You can reach out and touch me any time you want. I will be here.”

That helps. He’s too out of it to be frightened by the elevator ride. When the doors opened he wouldn’t allow me to take his hand, so I guided him the same way to the bathroom.

“H—Hayden.” 

“I’m here.”

He feels his way over to me like a blind man. I don’t move, allowing him to find and grasp my wrist and forearm with both hands.

“I’m here. I’m going to run a bath. Is that ok?”

He nodded.

I turn the tap—the sound startling him slightly. He grips me harder.

A message appears on the wall, presumably because the entire thing is a huge screen. Maybe Tony likes to pretend he’s on the beach in Florance or something.

“You do not have to worry about getting the stitches wet. They have a special disinfectant in them to prevent infection.”

Welp, I suck. I’d totally forgotten stitches shouldn’t get wet.

As quietly as I possibly can—thankfully the tap is huge so it sounds like a damn waterfall—“Thanks, Friday.”

I take his shirt delicately in my fingers and begin to pull. He whimpers.

“You’re ok. It’s just us. And I’m not going to take anything else off. Just your shirt and mine.”

He looks anguished as he touches the slight swell of the bruise on my face. I drop his shirt of the floor.

“I tried to protect you, Hayden. I am..truly sorry.”

“I promise, they didn’t find me, sweetheart. This was an accident. And so were these.” I pull up my sleeve to show him the cuts again before I remove my own shirt.

His eyes well up.

“Everything is ok. You protected me. They never found me.”

I turn the tap off, holding my hands out to him. Loki looks confused and apprehensive.

“I’m here. I won’t let anything hurt you.”

Loki begins trembling, staring at my blue and purple shoulders. “They have him—I’m sure they do.”

I want to tell him not to worry, or that Thor can protect himself. “They don’t.”

“They will hurt him—they will try to break him as they broke me.”

“No matter what happens, he will be alright.”

He cries, half frustrated, half panicked, “He will have gone looking for me like the idiotic, noble warrior that he is—“

“Loki—“

“I have to find him—I owe him that and more.”

I know he wouldn’t know where to look. I know he doesn’t have the strength to try. “We will find him.”

“You cannot. This is beyond human capacity—it may be beyond mine. But I will not fail him, I cannot leave him to suffer alone as I did.”

 _Do not cry. Do not cry_. “Loki—“

“Please!! I already lack the necessary time to atone for all I’ve put him through. I cannot let him endure what I have.”

“He’s not suffering. He will come.” I take him by the shoulder, but he wrenches away from me, stumbling back to the counter.

To my surprise, he growls, “Have you no regard for him? Do you not care what they will do to him?”

My body flushes cold—in all the time I’ve known Loki, he’s never been angry at me.

He advances, and I just manage to avoid pulling up a barrier between us.

“They strung me by my wrists and flogged me like some common thief in the square.”

“I know.”

His voice rises. “They strapped me to a table and whipped me until my skin shredded like your Times Square confetti.”

I wonder if he’s forgotten that’s basically exactly what he looks like right now. “I know.”

He’s shouting, “And you would have me stand idly by while my brother may suffer the same, or worse? Organs sorted with fire and blades! Chokes and gagged, tossed and kicked across the room as a rag doll—you would stand there and assure me my brother is strong and courageous and I would do best to let you gesture meekly to the stars with your primitive toys?”

He stands before me, his full height realized and chest heaving. I can see his mouth is dry again. I say nothing, holding my ground. His expression changes fluidly from rage to desperate pain.

“He cannot endure what I did.”

“I know.”

Barely audible, “I do not deserve his sacrifice.”

 _There it is_. My own tears spill over as he sways and reaches out, overcome with grief. I can feel the weight of his memories pressing on my eyes.

_No. Not now. He needs me._

I guide Loki into the water—he hardly seems aware where he is or what’s going on. He reaches out desperately for me when I go back to the counter and fill a glass. Then I join him, our pants billowing in the warmth.

He shakes his head when I try to hand it to him, crying harder. I cup the back of his head and pour it carefully into his mouth, then immediately fill it from the bathtub tap and force him to have more.

“I do not—he should not—“

“He’s not.” I say quietly, dipping the cup under the water and bringing it to his hair. “Thor is safe.”

Isn’t there some myth about him being able to pop up wherever someone says his name? It’d be really fucking convinent right about now.

Childlike, Loki cries, “I want him back.”

Our tears make little plops as they hit the water.

“He will come.”

Again I feel Loki’s flashbacks—the corners of my vision begin to dim. I kneel up and pour the water over his hair.

“Loki, listen to me. Take a deep breath.”

He does, huge, shining eyes following me as I pour another cup over his head, letting it fall over his shoulders and down his back. I do it again, and again, and again, soothing him with the rhythmic flow of water and touch over his limbs and black locks.

“ _Who’s woods these are, I think I know...his house is in the village, though_.”

Water courses over his ribs. I follow it with my hand.

“ _He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow_.”

A wave down his shoulder, then my palm. His expression slackens, slowly turning from anxiety to drowsiness.

“ _My little horse must think it queer, to stop without a farmhouse near. Between the woods and frozen lake, the darkest evening of the year.”_

Back to his scalp, my fingertips following the flood, gently combing his hair. His shoulders droop. I pull him forward until I’m leaning against the opposite side of the tub.

“ _He gives his harness bells a shake to ask if there is some mistake. The only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake_.”

He rests against me, curling up on his side as I keep up the steady rhythm of warm water over his hair and stroke his cheek.

“ _These woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep_.”

He sleeps.


	15. Chapter 15

When the water cools off and the goosebumps begin creeping up, I whisper, “Loki.”

 

He twitches, blinking blearily up at me. 

 

“Let’s go to bed.”

 

Part of me thinks we should try eating again, the other just wants him to be able to sleep for days on end. The moment I picture getting more toast back into him, my stomach roars. _Alright then._

 

I don’t think he’d want me to get it for him, but I’m sure he would rather not leave the room again.

 

“Friday?”

 

She chirps.

 

“Can I send a message to Tony or someone?”

 

“Certainly.”

 

“Can you please tell someone that I need more toast and some soup, I guess?”

 

There’s a pause. Loki warily eyes the place where her voice sounded loudest.

 

“Mr. Rogers will send something up in the DUM-E waiter shortly.”

 

_Coffee, on call, for the rest of his life._

 

“Tell him I said thanks?”

 

Loki’s eyelids are already drooping. 

 

“Hey, come on. Let’s get dried off.”

 

We stand, water raining off our pants. He begins shivering, though it’s not cold in the room. I collect towels and more robes while he gets out of the tub, moving gingerly.

Much like an awkward teen, I focus on peeling my wet clothes off and getting dry, pretending no one else is in the room. That naked embrace on the bed feels like weeks ago even though I don’t think four hours have passed.

 

When I dare to look up, Loki’s much closer than I realized. He clutches his robe and towel, shivering and dripping, terribly sad and lost. I had meant to give him some autonomy—instead I just made him feel disconnected and chilly. I take the robe from him and help his arms through it, then remove the pants, tying the sash.

 

“Come here.” I say softly, and lead him back to the bed. 

 

We climb in together. Without direction, he lays his head in my lap so I can towel off his hair. He seems defeated, among a variety of painful things. He must not believe me that Thor will be alright. Which means he’s also feeling guilty and viciously self-loathing. I don't have the energy to infuse my emotion into him--apparently the adrenaline high has worn me down.

 

“They wanted...the Avengers.” Loki says once I set the towel aside. “They...found me. I do not remember where. I do not remember arriving at the cell, though the journey was...long. And painful.”

 

_Oh, Heart...._

 

“When I refused to give them details....weaknesses...locations...they were surprised, at first.”

 

He blushes, and I know why. It wasn't so terribly long ago that he would have been sharing those details with relish. He could have been leading the Children. That shames him. When he peeks up, I just nod.  _I understand_. _I'm still here._

 

“I do not know why they needed me...perhaps Earth could not be found again without the stones to guide them. Or they wanted better information before returning.”

 

_Or they didn’t care enough_ , I thought, remembering my first impression that the wounds were inflicted beyond what revenge would require.

 

“I did not tell them.” The way he says it sounds contrite. Pleading.

 

“Ok.” 

 

He hides his face. Why is he crying again? Why does he suddenly seem more panicked?!

 

“Sweetheart, I believe you!”

 

“They know!”

 

I’m totally lost. “What do they know?”

 

“They know about you!!”

 

He sits up, grabbing my shoulder, eyes shining and jaw clenched.

“It’s alri—“

“It is not alright! It’s not—Hayden—"

 

"You didn't mean to—"

 

"I failed you! I made you their mission."

 

"We'll take care of it."

 

"You cannot fight them. They are not many but they are--I was helpless...Heart...You should run."

 

"I'm not going anywhere, I have no reason to run."

 

"They  _will_ come, Hayden. They are single-minded, full of rage. They blame the Avengers, and perhaps me above all, for the loss of Thanos. They mean to find each one of you and destroy you from the inside out."

 

His heart is beating so hard I can feel it through his fingertips, gripping my forearms. 

 

"I would have them take me back a thousand times over before I would let them harm you." Red, puffy eyes fill with tears again. "This is my fault, and mine alone."

 

I start to refute him, but he interrupts. "I've wasted too much time as it is--I should have asked the Captain or Tony to take you away the moment I saw them...."

 

_But I was selfish_. I'm sure that was the end to his thought. He buries his face in his hands. 

 

“Sweetheart...I mean this with respect and kindness and love, b---Loki, STOP."

 

Loki digs his fingernails into the wounds around his lips, blood staining his palm. Ripping his fingers away, I take him by the back of the neck and pin his wrists between us. "Listen to me. Listen very, very closely."

 

Agony in his green eyes. My heart  _hurts_. 

 

I pronounce every word carefully, solidly. "I'm. Not. Going. Anywhere. No-- _listen_. I am well-protected, by you and the Team and my own not-completely-unimpressive cunning and power.  _If_ they come, we'll be ready because  _you_ warned us. And frankly, if we can kill Thanos, I don't really think his lackeys have a chance."

 

"They almost killed me--there's no guarantee I can protect you!!"

 

"You don't need to."

 

"I--"

 

I take his face in my hands, my voice dropping to something cold and primal. Something dangerous. "I will  _murder_ them for what they did to you."

 

He swallows hard, drawing me closer and resting his head against mine. His tears jump from his cheek to mine. 

 

"Sweetheart..."

 

"You are breathtaking." He whispers. "I wish I had power worthy to match yours."

 

I have trouble drawing air.  _Of all the goddamn times to get butterflies. "_ They got lucky. You're...somewhat literally a god. You're infinitely capable of anything you want. You just need a little time."

 

He draws me closer, kissing me with soft passion. In that moment, and for just a moment, I want to move the robes aside and take him inside me. To show him how much I care for him, trust him. That I will defend him.

 

He pauses, brushing his lips against mine as he murmurs another apology. I pull away to look him in the eye. "I need you to trust me when I promise you this isn't your fault."

 

Miraculously, the golden light weaves from my hand to his.  _Conviction. Trust. Peace._ _This is not your fault. We will get through this._ Again, something about the sentiment seems to throw him off guard. He's still learning what it's like to have a relationship borne of security and kindness, I guess. But he almost smiles as he looks back in my eyes.

 

............

 

_Loki is screaming. My eyes fly open and I try to sit up, but I’ve been tied down to the table where he got his mouth sewn shut. Loki has been shackled to the wall, naked and losing blood to fresh whip marks._

 

_“Hayden!!” He howls, as the broad “Child” with the partially missing lip creeps toward him, needle and thread in hand. “Hayden, please!!”_

 

_I can do this. I imagine that powerful something welling up inside me and feel it rocketing towards my fingertips, but just before it can expand beyond me and cut me free, it washes out like a wave on the shore._ _No!!!_

 

_“Hayden!!” He’s pleading, pulling with all his might away from the figure now within reach._

 

_“NO!” I yank at the cuffs. Come on, come on, come on!! I try to summon my power again, but it ebbs off just moments before I can free myself._

 

_The Child takes Loki’s face in one huge, mushy hand and turns him effortlessly towards the needle. Loki shrieks, tears cascading, trying with all his might to look away._ _“No! No! Noooo, please!!”_

 

_In all my life I've never felt anything like this--so frantically helpless. So infuriatingly close but powerless while my love suffers._

 

_The Child lets go....and turns to me. A flood of panic jolts through me. COME ON COME ON FUCKING WORK! I scream in my head, desperately visualizing the straps being sliced apart by golden light._

 

_I notice congealed blood on his half lip as it turns up. The Child leers down at me, pinning me in place just as effortlessly. The skin is like an old bruised apple—I’m horror-struck by the feeling until the glint of the needle catches my eye._

 

_From the ether, “Hear me, and...”_

 

_And then two disjointed voices saying simultaneously, “rejoice, for you are about to die at the hand of the children of Thanos....” and “tremble, for you will face the wrath of Thanos’s grieving children.”_

 

_I let out an all-out scream as the needle and thick thread pass through the corner of my mouth. I can feel each individual fiber of the string as it hooks and drags within my lips. Loki screams my name in agony. Fingers are suddenly between my teeth, making me gag—_

 

I jolt awake, my heart pounding in my ears, disoriented by the darkness and frightened by the feeling of someone’s palm pressing down on my chest, fumbling at my mouth. I slap at the figure, all at once angry and terrified.

 

“Hayden! Hayden!” Loki cries out desperately.

 

_What the fuck is happening?_

 

I thrash out from under the body and hit the floor hard. “What the fuck--”

 

The light flips on. Loki is at the edge of the bed, reaching out for me, face streaming with sweat and tears.

 

_Oh_. 

 

“It’s alright! It’s alright, everything is ok.” I scramble back and take him in my arms as he begins sobbing. “It was just a dream, sweetheart.”

 

He whimpers, touching my lips with his fingertips, seeming unable to fully assure himself that they’re intact.

 

“You’re ok. It’s ok.” I pull him close and rock him. “Just a bad dream.”

 

He gasps against me, burying his nose in my neck and clinging on to me...

 

An almighty crash makes us both scream. A shudder runs through the building, rocketing from top to bottom

 

"NO!" Loki wails, "No, no, no--"

 

_They found him._

 

Another enormous impact—suddenly much closer now—has Loki screaming outright, scared out of his mind. Instinctually, I clap my hand over his mouth and turn my back to the door. "Shhh."

 

My senses see nothing...the hallway is clear.  _What the fuck do we do_ _?_ Do we have time to run? Should we hide?

 

Another crash. Loki has become completely animal with terror, trying to fight me off. I can't tell if he still knows it's me, but it doesn't matter. He's not going anywhere. I force him backwards off the bed and into the corner.

 

"Shh, shhh, quiet." I press my body up against him, trying to stop his shaking and bring him back to reality. I have no idea if that's the right thing to do--for all my bravado and "We'll take care of them when they come" my mind is inconveniently fucking  _blanking out_. 

 

Then I see the outline of something broad stride out of the stairwell, shouting something my brain isn't processing. It begins kicking in doors, pausing for a moment and then moving to the next. Looking for him. In front of me, Loki is stoning up with terror.

 

"It's alright. I've got you. I'm here." 

 

Two doors away....one door....I hold Loki against the wall with one hand, sweeping my arm up as fear and fury compete to power the barrier. _He’s. MINE._

 

A sort of angry snarl of a scream comes out of me when our door flies in and a huge figure fills the doorway. He walks right up to the wall, smashing at it with a fist. I force him to step back, the wall completely unaffected by the violence, though my head is suddenly reeling.

 

“BROTHER.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guuuuuuuess what time it is! I'm sure this will require more editing at not-2 AM, but I didn't want to leave you guys in suspense too long about Thor. We're already hurting for Loki, I wanted everyone to know Thor is ok.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unedited--I'm putting this out there because a short, more fluffy chapter is probably good for everyone's soul. More to follow (including editing). :)
> 
> *Update: Edited! Also going to add a few tags to the piece. I saw one I particularly liked recently--"Don't look too closely at the timeline." Yup. Also don't look to closely at the details. I'm making aspirational predictions about the second part of/life after the Infinity War. 
> 
> To be continued, of course. :)

Loki's face is buried my shoulder as I block him from Thor, who looks just as awesome and mighty as the tales would have you believe.

"Hayden, please. I must see him."

Throat aching from my pounding heart, I blink a few times, trying to force air into my lungs.  _It's Thor. It's. Thor. Don't chop his head off._

"My brother was taken from me for six weeks--I thought him dead. Please."

Loki whimpers, shrinking behind me. I reach a hand behind me and rest it on his leg.  _I'm here._

_Where have you been? Why couldn't we reach you? Are you ok?_  "Yeah. Yeah, right. Just..." I draw the shield down but hold up my hand as it melts away. "Everything scares him. Everything."

Grief soaks up Thor's expression. Loki trembles behind me. I know what's about to happen, but I'm trusting that this will help him heal faster.

Thor kneels down in front of me and reaches out a hand for Loki to take. Loki moans, pressing himself against the wall. Thor's voice cracks. "I won't harm you, brother." 

He breaks his gaze from the man behind me, eyes shining. 

"Don't take it personally. He didn't know it was me at first either."

Thor nods. "I will ruin the persons responsible for this."

_Get in line._

I shift slightly. Loki tries to move with me. I block him from shifting farther from Thor, trapping him between my arms.

"No! No--"

I shake my head, "He's not going to hurt you."

"Don't let him take me-- _please_ \--"

That may be the thing that gives me nightmares for a month. "Come here."

He wraps himself around me, shuddering. I hug him tight. "I won't let anything hurt you. You're alright."

I orient us towards Thor--Loki whimpers--and hold him tighter. "Thor--talk to him first. Shhh..." I stroke Loki's hair and press against his back.

"Brother...I'm so sorry."

_Get in line!!_

"I have been seeking you for many weeks now, Loki. I went to long-forbidden realms. I believe I've broken at least three treaties."

"It's Thor...it's just Thor." I murmur, relieved to feel him relaxing as Thor carries on, describing the new planet the Asgardians found and settled.

Eventually, Thor reaches out his palm and lays it on Loki's shoulder. Loki--who had been breathing relatively normally and fairly calm for a few minutes now, jumps and hides his face in my shoulder.

"It's alright, brother. I won't harm you. I swear it."

"Please. Do not make me."

"Loki, you need not fear me. I won't judge you."

He reaches over and cups Loki's chin, slowly forcing him to turn his face. I swear to god my ribs are going to crack. Loki's eyes brim with tears, bruised lips quivering. Effortlessly, Thor pries Loki from me and envelopes him in a hug, stroking his hair like I've been doing and hiding his face from the world. To my (pleasant) surprise, Loki allows this.

Thor runs his hand over Loki's body, subtly taking in his injuries. His cheeks flush and his eyes shine as he works through his relief and horror. His fingers trace the length of the stitches over his ribs. This injury seems to offend him in particular.

"Who did this to you, Loki?"

"The...Children of Thanos."

"WHAT?!" 

Thor can't help it--I don't blame him. I thought they were all dead too. But that single (very loud) word has Loki panicking again. 

"Loki--Loki," I press myself into his back. "Shhh, shhh, you're alright. Hey--breathe. I won't let anything hurt you. He's not gonna hurt you."

"I thought they had been dispatched! I will make decorations of their heads and hang them in our halls. Describe them, brother."

"No!" Loki yelps, gripping Thor's cloak. "Do not go! Please, Thor, you can't."

"I won't let this go unanswered, Loki!" 

_He cannot endure what I did. I do not deserve his sacrifice._

Loki clutches at Thor's arms desperately, wailing, "Please do not. _Please don't leave_." 

Thor looks furious and bewildered. "You would have me watch you heal over the weeks knowing they hadn't suffered even a tenth of what you did?" 

_Oh, my god, get a clue, Thor_.

I say quietly. "He's scared. He thought they had captured you." Thor furrows, so I continue. "When you didn't answer the Team's texts, Loki was sure they were hurting you."

He looks down at Loki, who's eyes are wide and streaming. "I'm fine, brother. I would come to no harm."

_Thor, bloody and--_

"Loki. Loki. Thor, let him look at you."

Thor, confused, relaxes his arms around his brother and holds him away.

"Loki," I murmur, "Look at him."

_A shadow moving through his throat, Thor choking--_

"Stop." I say gently. "Look at his face. He's ok."

Thor suddenly gets it. I move Loki's hand to Thor's (broad as hell) chest. Thor overlaps it with his. "I am alright, brother. I'm sorry I frightened you. I will not leave you."

He kisses Loki's forehead. Loki slumps against him, able to breathe again. Thor actually smiles--just the corner of his lip--and rubs Loki's back.

"So thin, brother. I wish I could bring you to the hall for a proper feast."

"Oh! Hang on." I draw away slowly. When Loki doesn't object, I stand up. "It's just soup, but whatever."

Thor situates himself in the corner, holding Loki in the crook of his arm, telling me he will feed Loki himself when I bring the bowl over. I'm just about to lean against the bed opposite them when I hear,

"Hayden." 

Miracle of miracles, I don't flinch outwardly. Looking from the floor over the mussed covers, I see Bruce standing in the doorway.

"What's up?" 

"Uhh...everything..ok here?" Bruce asks in an undertone as I walk over. "Yeah--just took Thor a moment to calm down."

"Did he say where he's been? Or why he never answered us?"

"No, just that he was searching for Loki. I get the impression in some far-flung places."

Bruce frowns, curious. "Must have been really far-flung."

I shrug, feeling out Loki behind me. He doesn't seem more tense.  _Thank god_. Now he has two people he feels safe around.

"Any chance we can run some tests later?"

My stomach drops.  _What? Why?_ "On me or..."

"Yeah."

_Fuck no._ "Sure."

"We want to see how strong that barrier of yours really is. It could come in handy if...anyone unexpected shows up."

I nod, willing the color to stay in my face. 

"We'd also like to see if you really can teleport Loki. It's the best theory we have, but if we're wrong....then we may need to be worried."

"Sure. Actually--What time is it?"

"A bit after midnight."

"Thor wake anyone else up?" 

"Maybe Steve. Nat's not back yet, but we don't expect her to be for another day or so. Something personal, not S.H.E.I.L.D related," he amends quickly when he correctly reads the stopping of my heart. 

"Ok." I rub my face with one hand. "You ok?"

"Yeah. Almost brought the Other Guy out when Thor landed on the roof."

"Is THAT what happened?"

"Yeah--he landed on the roof, stormed down to where Tony and I were working, demanded to know what floor you were on, and then jumped down the stairwell."

_How obnoxiously heroic._

"It's nice, by the way. You two."

"Us two?"

"You and Loki."

"Oh." _Too much color, too much color!!_  I press my palm across my cheek bone, trying to push the blush away. "Thanks. But really, are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I'm not gonna pretend seeing him like this isn't hard...maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if this had happened a few years ago and I was still pissed at him." 

I nod-- _go on--_ when Bruce suddenly checks to see if that's offensive to me.

"But I'm more concerned about what might follow him here. And this will be the first time I've been able to study power in a lab. Wanda's always off with Vis, you know."

_Steady._ "What time do you wanna see me?"

"Whenever you get up is fine. It's not like I have any place special to be."

Tony had been paying Bruce "staggering amounts of money" (Bruce's words) to work with him in the lab for over a year now. Bruce got to be his adorably private self and leave only when he was particularly interested in an outside project or was invited to TED talks or whatever.

I touch his elbow lightly. "If you need anything, let me know, k?"

Something shifts in his sweet, brown eyes. Longing, I think. Without thought, a surge of kinship and protection escapes my fingers and flows into him.  _You're my friend and I've got your back._   _Any time, any place._

_Oh, shit._ I draw my hand back in surprise. Bruce has a distinct bubble I make sure not to cross. He's--ok, all of them have--been through enough loss of control without my help. But his smile is...well...reassured, actually. I relax.

"See you in the morning."

"Yeah." I close the door, momentarily startled to see it fixed--hadn't Thor kicked the crap out of it?  _Oh, right. Nanobots._

Loki looks on the verge of falling asleep as I make my way back over. Thor managed to get all of the soup into him, so I finish the toast while Thor tucks his brother into bed, promising to sit with him when Loki makes a small, frightened noise. 

_Apparently, I've been relieved._ Pretending I don't feel a little territorial, I head to the shower when Loki's eyes stay closed. 

For the first time in 24 hours, I don't feel like everyone's well-being is solely on my shoulders. Maybe I'll get Thor a coffee as well.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, an unedited chapter. I'll get to it tomorrow after I get through internship stuff! Hopefully it's a decent read in the meantime. <3
> 
> Update: Ok, edited. Thank you everyone for your comments. It's sincerely a dream come true to be able to make you guys happy with this stuff. I have loved writing all my life, and have plans to finish and publish a book someday. But I needed to do some fun stuff while internship is happening, and this is the result. I'm truly glad you all enjoy it, and again, thank you for your comments. They ALWAYS make my day. <3

My shoulders are killing me—the tension, this time, not the marks—so I run the water hot for a long time. But it doesn’t manage to drown out my raging stomach, so I resolve to redress once I’m done.

Both brothers are sleeping when I come out. Thor sleeps propped up against the wall and leaning slightly over Loki, who is curled in and facing his brother. Absurdly, I almost giggle. Too sweet.

I use the stairs to make my way up to the kitchen. To my slight surprise, Tony’s passed out on the couch.  _Because nothing puts a guy to sleep faster than having a Norse god bash his way into your home._

I find another can of soup and open it as quietly as possible. I’m too tired and hungry to care about heating it, so at least that can’t wake him up. I swallow the cold noodles and broth while leaning against the counter.  _Ahhhh. So much better._

The city lights catch my eye. I’ve lived here for five years and I’m still mesmerized by them. I’ve always found that kind of beauty inspiring--It makes me feel powerful. And I wish this was the feeling that brought the light to my fingertips.

Behind me, there's rustling. A sort of jerking moan. 

_Oh no..._

I creep around the couch, praying I’m wrong. I’m not. Tony twitches hard, swinging his arm up like he’s knocking something away from his chest. He gasps, chokes for a moment.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Wake him up? Leave him alone? 

He cries out and clutches at the space I’d bet money has the wide scar from a sword. Again, without real forethought, I swoop over him, resting a hand on his bicep.  _You are loved. You are protected. You are safe._

His jaw unclenches, his shoulders lower from his ears. I allow myself a smile, even though part of me is starting to worry if I’m getting a god complex. I just want the man to have some peace....

I’m just about to open the stair doors when I hear him say, “Thanks.”

Tony's eyes are open.

"Hey. Sorry, I was trying  _not_ to wake you up."

He sits up, leaning on his knees. "Probably better that you did. I didn't mean to drift off."

"You trying not to sleep?"

With someone else I might have bothered with subtly. But he plays enough games without me pussyfooting around.

"Can't say I've been dreaming of unicorns lately."

Walking back over and sitting on the table across from him, "No, I bet not."

He looks away. Always reluctant to talk about feelings--Especially when someone's being kind about his.

"So Bruce and I are planning on making you a guinea pig tomorrow."

"Uh huh."  _Deep breathes._ "Bruce mentioned."

"Wow. You're really nervous, huh?"

I blanche.  _How in hell would he have put that together?_

"Your tell is when your face stays completely blank." Tony smirks. "You look calm when you're worried about one of us, you show anger, you smile fine. But when you're terrified, you have no expression at all."

I try to force the blush off my cheeks again. Thank god the lights are off. "Yeah. Never been a---uh...never mind. I know you guys aren't evil scientists or whatever."

"Yeah, but we'll probably have you hooked up to electrodes or clucking like a chicken. Wait--that's hypnosis. Does Banner have a Ph.D in anything like that? I lose track."

My stomach bottoms out.  _Breathe, dude. Breathe. He's...probably joking._

"Hayden." He slaps the side of my leg lightly. "Relax. I was kidding."

_Shithead_.

"I mean, we'll definitely have electrodes at some point. But you shouldn't be nervous."

Tears well up and spill over almost instantly.  _Oh my fucking god, you've got to be kidding me._

I don't have a chance at hiding them, since he's looking right at me, but I wipe them away hastily, trying to look calm. Since _blank_ doesn't work with him.

"Wow...you really are scared."

I mean, I can't lie. Can't talk, actually.  _Smile, show him you know you're being an idiot._

"What happened?"

"Huh?"

"I've never seen you cry before, not even when loverboy was having a panic attack."

I wonder if he's trying to make me forget that he had a bad dream. But I do know he's curious, and that means I have leverage. "I'll tell you if you promise to try and sleep after this."

"Oh no. I don't need to be negotiated into sleeping."

"If you're going to experiment on me tomorrow, you better be fuckin' rested."

He snorts. "Fine."

_...Damn._  

I take a deep breath and look out at the city scape, trying to keep my throat open. "Uh....When I was like 12 I went to the hospital for a really bad case of pneumonia. It's not like I was a huge fan of doctors in the first place, but there were a few times in the beginning when there were like five doctors or nurses surrounding me--literally on all sides, way in my space, touching me all at the same time. Moving whatever so they could do...whatever. I was really out of it. I think I had like a 105 degree fever or something ridiculous."

I'm hugely relieved to see Tony isn't smirking or about to interrupt with some witty something or other.

"I think--I feel like I tried to tell them multiple times that they were freaking me out, but either I wasn't clear or they didn't care. So I just had these strangers poking at me and sticking stuff in me and wheeling me around without explaining jackshit. Or, I mean, maybe they were talking to me the whole time. But it definitely wasn't getting through."

_Breathe, dude. You have to fucking breathe._

"Just made me...really claustrophobic from then on. Around doctors, I mean. I may or may not call my annual physical my 'annual nightmare.'"

"Well...now I feel like an ass. That's on you." Tony grins, then makes a big show of lying back down in a comfortable sleeping position. 

I laugh, but my heart keeps battering against my collar bone. "Actually, I do feel like an ass. Every single one of you has been....I mean..." Ok, now subtly might be more fitting. "I just think I've had it easier. I shouldn't be such a baby about it."

"I've never been a big fan of doctors either. And I remember I had a fever dream when I was like five. My dad has never been scarier than he was that night. And that's saying something. Don't be so hard on yourself. And I promise we'll totally tell you what we're doing when we're poking you tomorrow."

"Super."

Why isn't my heart chilling out? Am I really giving myself a panic attack just talking about it? What does that say about my chances of making it through tomorrow?!

Then it hits me. It's not _my_ heart that's racing anymore.  _Oh, fuck_. 

I leap up. "I have to go."

Tony looks startled, then guilty.

"No, you're fine--Loki's having a nightmare."

"How do you--you know what? Whatever. I'm adding that to the list of things to poke at."

I grab him by the shoulders, considering headbutting him for a second, but when I press my forehead to his, the right emotion comes rushing from me.  _You are not in danger. You are loved._

"Hold on to that and try to sleep. Hopefully it gives you some peaceful dreams, even though you're a huge dick and don't deserve them."

"I'm seriously testing that empath stuff." Tony calls after me, which is Stark Speak for "thank you."

I wave my hand in acknowledgement, tearing for the stairs. Then, copying Thor (only in a human, my-legs-could-break sort of way) I leap down the stairs landing by landing back to our room. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOOK!!! A chapter where Loki isn't suffering the entire time!!

 I can hear him crying before I get out of the stairwell. I sprint down the hall, Thor’s voice growing more distinct. 

 “What is it, brother?! Loki, calm yourself!”

 I skid into the room. Thor is kneeling on the bed, holding a thrashing, frantic Loki in a bear hug. Loki wrenches against Thor, terror-struck, screaming my name.

 “Be still, brother, please!” Thor holds him tighter, murmuring in his ear, “Shh. Shhh.”

 My tongue is numb—I have too many thoughts but no words. Rushing over to the bed, I catch him as Thor lets go.

 “I’m here. I’m here.” Holding him to my chest, resting my cheek on his sweaty hair and rocking. “Ssshhh, shhhhh. I’m here.”

 He gasps for air, gripping me hard enough to bruise and repeating my name desperately.

"I've got you. It's alright." I stroke his cheek, cutting paths over the tear trails. "Just a nightmare."

Loki nodded, running his fingers from the crook of my elbow to the back of my hand. Feeling that I'm real, I guess.

"I was upstairs getting something else to eat." I look over Loki's head. "I'm so sorry."

Thor shakes his head. "It's not your fault. That lies solely with the Children."

We shift, resting against the headboard once more. Loki cuddles into me, ear to my heart. I run my fingers up and down his side, sometimes using my nails. Six weeks ago that was a move that scored me major points. He slowly loosens up and breathes more deeply.

 

“You have great power over him.”

He doesn’t look perturbed or angry when he says it. “Thanks?”

A small smile. “I would have him with no other woman.”

“Oh...thank you. Uh...but yeah. Speaking of power...I can...do some stuff."

"I am aware."

"...Like you talked to Tony already?"

Thor looks down at Loki with a wistful smile. “Many weeks ago, my brother came to me, captivated by a woman with power he had never seen. He was so taken he did not even protest when I teased him of falling for one of the very people he had long mocked me of loving.” 

"So he told you about the barriers?"

"Aye."

That explains why Thor hadn't looked the least bit phased when he burst in and had to ask me to let him through. "Well....it turns out that's not all I can do."

He listens thoughtfully as I rattle off the other things I can do, including how I knew from two floors away that Loki was in trouble. 

 When I finish, “Is it an Asgardian thing? Me being able to see what he's thinking? Or any of it, really?”

 “No—as neither of you are from Asgard.”

 “But your mom was, and she gave him her magic, right?”

“Aye. But she could not read minds—though as children she would have us believe otherwise. Her magic was healing and illusion, same as my brother. This power is your own, Hayden.”

Loki nuzzles against me as he shifts, asleep again. 

“Can you...see it?”

He doesn’t need clarification. “I can.”

I kinda want to just end the conversation on that note, but I'm not tired enough to ignore all the questions buzzing inside me.

“Are you ok? Did you ever get the texts from the Team?”

 “I did once I had come back to this realm. That is how I knew to come to Stark’s tower.”

 “Where—I mean, can I ask where you were?”

 Dude’s a god and a king. I try not to be impertinently forward with him.

 “I went to all the nine realms of the cosmos, and then a few beyond.”

 ...Beyond? 

 “Looking for Loki?”

 He nods. “Any trace, any whisper of him. By the time I returned this evening, I had all but completely lost hope.”

"How did you know he was gone? I didn't--I mean, after...the last time we saw each other, I just figured he was otherwise occupied." (Because 'I thought he changed his mind about us' sounds a little too whiney.) "I had no idea he was in trouble." 

 “I thought he had gone back to you. It was only when Heimdel noticed his absence a week or so after we last spoke that I knew he had been taken.”

 My veins sing with adrenaline. I have some idea of what had happened to Loki by that time. And none of us had even started looking.

"There were only two options. To evade Heimdel's sight, he was either dead or outside the nine realms. So I looked first in the places harboring those who would wish him the most harm. And when they pled ignorance, I looked farther. How did you find him?”

 “Um...in my kitchen?”

 “You were in your kitchen?”

 “He showed up there out of the blue.”

 “How?”

 “We’re supposed to test it tomorrow I guess, but I don’t actually know how. It wasn’t on purpose. Bruce and Tony think our timelines are connected.“

 “It could not be your timeline. He was in a dimension outside of time.”

 “...huh?” 

 “The Children of Thanos are quite powerful, and cunning as well. They took him to a place Heimdel's eye could not reach and Loki's powers would not work. They must have taken him outside the boundary of our universe.”

 “...Wait, like that Dr Who episode?”

 “It was Dr. Strange. He was with Dormamu, who is within the nine realms.”

Not worth correcting. "Well then I definitely don't know how I did it."

"Regardless, I am grateful. It has been...a difficult number of weeks, to say the least."

"I'm sorry."

"No need." He pets my hair lightly with his broad hand. "I'm relieved he is safe. I can finally rest."

"Rest sounds good."

As we wiggle down so our heads reach the pillows, one more question blossoms, impossible to contain.

"Do you think they'll come looking for him?"

Silence. Thor's fingers brush against my skin as he runs his hand over his brother's side. "I have no doubt."


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this chapter isn't done yet and it's only half edited, but I wanted to give you guys *something!* My internship is winding down but I still have a bunch of stuff to wrap up. So I'll try and finish it tomorrow! <3 
> 
> Update: FINALLY got it finished, although I kind of feel like this chapter lacks the usual kick. Fortunately I'm about to have more time on my hands soon. Thanks for being patient everyone!

 

 

 

“You ready?”

Everyone’s in the kitchen. Steve’s eating granola, Bruce is having coffee, and so is Tony (although I’m quite sure it’s not half and half that’s turned his cream-colored). 

Thor, Loki, and I are having eggs on the couch. I’ve eaten as much as I can, but I’m quite relieved to see Loki is following his brother’s example and eating all five of his. I could barely manage two. 

I set my eggs aside. “What’s the plan?“ (And by that, I mean, ‘How big will my audience be?’)

“Capsicle’s combing NSA data to make sure nothing weird is getting by. The three of us—“ Tony gestures between himself, Bruce, and I, “are triple-dating in the lab.”

Can cheeks flush cold?

“Triple dating...wouldn’t that be three pairs of people?” Bruce refills his mug, obviously ready to go.

“Will everyone stop undermining my humor? What else do I have to offer around here?”

“Nobody answer that.” Steve says. 

I keep my face smooth, grateful that Stark is the only one who knows what that means. And he’s busy glaring at Steve.

I go over to Loki, leaning against Thor for support. He looks tired again already. 

“Hey.” I kneel up on the couch and take his hand. “You wanna stay up here?”

“You’re leaving?”

He doesn’t seem so great at tracking conversations yet. A lot of the time I think he’s drifting in his own haze. Can’t say I blame him. It’s been all of, what, 48 hours since he got here.

“I’m just going to do some research with the guys.” I thumb behind me. “You can come if you want—“

Can I explain we’ll be in a lab without giving one or both of us a panic attack?

“—or you and Thor can be wherever you want.” 

“Perhaps a walk, brother? You can begin to regain your strength.”

I could almost hear his tongue dodging the words “the strength that was stolen from you.” Loki doesn’t look sure. 

“Whatever you want.” I repeat softly.

_But don’t want to be with me, it’ll freak you out._

“I would like to feel the sun again.”

_Thank god._ I smile, hoping it doesn’t look like the relief that it is.

Thor grins. “Let us walk.”

 

....

 

The first thing they wanna do is see if they can verify what parts of my brain are being used when I make barriers. At least, that’s what I think they want. Between the buzzing in my head at the word “electrodes” and the science speak, I just latched onto the word “cranial” and nodded mutely to the rest.

Tony goes straight to a machine and brings it to life while Bruce leads me over to a table a lot like the one I strong-armed Loki into lying on. 

Air. There is air in this room, I’m sure of it. 

Bruce pulls out some wires. 

Nope, no air. _Be calm, be calm, be calm._

“So first we stick some electrodes here, here, and here.” 

He touches my forehead (I blink hard and smile to cover it), behind my ears, and at the base of my skull. Suddenly my jaw is killing me. I suck some of my cheek in and bite down hard to cushion my teeth.

“Just so you know, Banner, she’s completely terrified.” Tony says without looking up, like he’s giving Bruce a heads up that he started some laundry.

Bruce flinches back like I tried to bite him.

“I’m fine!” I lie, not daring to look at Tony.

“You’re not fine.” Tony strolls over. “I can see you holding your breath from across the room.”

He stands in front of me. I count the number of times his sneaker laces crisscross. 

“Hayden.”

_Do not cry. Do not cry, you huge pathetic baby._

His finger hooks my chin and presses up.

“It’s gonna be ok, Hayden. No one's gonna hurt you.”

Bruce nods. “I’m sorry, I had no idea this freaked you out.”

“Gotta be more observant, Banner. People skills are important.”

Bruce looks slightly dumbfounded. I snort, but in fairness, I don’t know how Tony figured me out either. 

“Don’t worry, Bruce. I know I’m being stupid.”

“No, you’re not. We’ve all been there.”

_That’s the problem,_  I don’t bother to counter,  _you’ve been in way worse places._

“How about we just tell you what’s going on every step of the way?“ Bruce puts a hand on my shoulder. “You can stop us at any point.”

“Well, up until the nee—OW.”

Bruce kicked him in the shin. “That, I was ready for.”

Tony moves back to the machine with an exaggerated hobble. Bruce picks up a wire.

“How about we start with one at the base of your neck?”

I keep biting down on my cheek as he adheres it to my skin, coaching myself to chill the fuck out. It’s Bruce in Stark Tower. I’m totally in control. This works until the first electrode to my forehead. The wire swings in my face.

“Woah, sorry. Hey, hey. Relax.” Bruce says it without impatience, putting one hand up. 

The other, I realize, is trapped by mine as I all but crush his wrist. 

“Sorry,” I gasp, disturbed that I can’t remember grabbing him. I can’t let him go either.

“It’s fine. Take your time.” 

Let go. Let go.

I release him cartoonishly, one finger at a time. No one laughs or huffs, but my cheeks are so hot I can feel them under my eyes. 

“You ready? You ok to keep going?”

“Yeah.”

_You’re not four. No clinging to Daddy, for Christ’s sake._

 

Good thing I decide this, because Bruce all but skips to his computer once I’ve assured him I’m fine. _Can’t deny the man a chance to collect data._

“I’m gonna turn the machine on, Hayden. If you feel anything, it’s just gonna be a little tingle. Very subtle.”

I brace myself, swatting away images of being paralyzed, knocked back into the wall like I'm being tasered. Nothing happens. I peek. Both men are typing away. For a blessed second, I think maybe they did do something and I didn’t feel anything, but then I do feel the tiny buzz. I jump overly much. It doesn’t hurt—of course it doesn’t. But that’s not why my ribs feel smooshed into each other. 

_I’m being studied. Measured._

“Ok, put up a hologram of a Christmas tree right there.” Tony points to the center of the room.  

I’m in a _lab_ with instruments. I don't know which ones could be used on me. I do know I'll be watched the whole time. Pair _s_ of eyes on me, again.

“If a Christmas tree is too much to ask, I’ll settle for a square. But you're losing the New Years entertainment gig.” Tony jokes.

_Focus_. I raise my hand and lift it as smoothly and calmly as I can. A glowing barrier should grow like a freaking hedge...but nothing happens. I flush, and gesture with slightly more vigor. Nope.

What if I can’t do it? What if they offer to “give me something” (read: inject something) to help? What if I CAN do it and they want to stick more stuff on me to measure? What if—

_My arm stings. Now my other arm. The fever feels like a full-body sunburn. I can’t get a full breath. Someone moves my face—where the fuck did your hands come from—and puts something tight over my mouth and nose. No matter how I shake my head the damn thing isn’t moving. Something COLD sticks on my chest—how the...where the FUCK is my shirt?!!!!_

“Hayden. Hayden—shhhh, shhhh. Hayden, it’s ok.”

“GET OFF.” I roar, not remotely aware of who I’m yelling at. Just that their hands are on my shoulders. I push out at the broad shape in front of me. Why are my cheeks wet?

“It’s Tony. Your friendly neighborhood Ironman.”

I lift my hands to wipe my cheeks, but they get tangled in wires. A truly embarrassing noise takes up my throat and wrings it out.

“It's ok. It's ok. You just gotta calm down and listen to me.”

Finally, the shapes render to fit the voices floating around me. Bruce stands just to my left, Tony to my right.

"Hey, you back with us?" Bruce asks. “Hayden, can you breathe any slower?”

Was I breathing? 

“I-I need...you guys to...step apart a little bit.” I manage.

They do, concerned and a little confused.

“And..uh....” I jump again as my fingers brush the wires on their way up to the bridge of my nose. “Back. Like a foot back. Please.”

This, they seem slightly more reluctant to do, but they comply.

"Thanks." I wheeze, carefully navigating the wires to wipe my cheeks. 

"Can...can I ask what happened?" Bruce rests his fingers gently on my knee (and I don't flinch, thank god). 

"Like just now? Or to make just now happen?" 

"Either."

Jesus, how many times was I gonna have to tell this story? 

"Can...can we just leave it at doctors and medical stuff freaks me out? Or anything that reminds me of it?"

"Yeah, yeah of course. Do you want to stop?"

_Yes_ _!!_ "I...want to help."

"Are you sure?"

_Dude, you're killing me_. "Just don't take too long."

"Of course. And stop us at any time, ok?"

"Helps if I'm not having a flashback."

 

"Wait...." Bruce walks away for a second.

"Sorry," I whisper to Tony. "I feel like such a fucking baby."

He just puts a hand to my shoulder and squeezes. No stupid line, no teasing. Not even a smirk. In fact, he looks...bothered. 

"Tony? What's up?"

"Hm? Nothin'." He turns and walks to his station just as Bruce comes back with a huge tablet. 

"I'll check the readings on this. If you start to have another flashback I'll be able to see it and bring you back."

That makes me feel way better than it should. Nothing about this situation is boosting my ego. 

"Thanks," I say, barely audible. 

"Ok, now remember, you said--"

"Hayden!"

Thor comes rushing through the door, just barely able carry Loki, who is thrashing wildly and screaming. For me.

"Hayden, are you alright?!"

 

 

 

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have one day until I move to Chicago, so I hope this ended up being a decent chapter. Fair warning, we're about 2/3s of the way to the end, I think. Thank you all for the comments--they've seriously bolstered my ego. :)

I automatically gather the wires in my fist, ripping them off (ow). 

Thor releases Loki, who barrels for me but doesn't throw his arms around me like I thought. Instead, with shaking hands, he grips my arm and traces the crook of one elbow. Then the other. Tears dot the blue lines of my wrist.

Running my finger along the line of his neck, I whisper, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"He insisted that you were in danger." Thor asserts, looking to Stark and Banner accusingly. 

"We haven't done anything to her, Thunder-Wonder." Tony says, lacking his usual condescension.

"She had a panic attack, but--" Bruce stops, then frowns at me.

"You...were blinded...." Loki examines my eyes, prying at them with his fingertips and panting, "Frozen...like stone..."

I let him paw me, showing him my fingers work and my legs still move. "Sweetheart, breathe now. I'm ok."

Bruce takes off his glasses and bites a tip. "How did he know you had a panic attack?"

"Hm?" I take a quivering Loki into my arms and pet him as he goes slack.

"I don't think it's a coincidence that you had a panic attack and Loki suddenly thought you were in danger."

"You had a flashback last night, too." Tony crosses his arms, "Didn't you say he had a nightmare after that? "

_Blinded...frozen._ And Loki checked the crook of my arm last night too, didn't he? So he saw what I remembered, just like I could for him.

Bruce. "What happened exactly, Thor?" 

"We had been outside not twenty minutes when he had a vision. He began crying, insisting we had to go back. He said you had been captured and were being tortured."

Tony glowers. "And you seriously thought we were likely to do that?" 

"No words would calm him, Stark. I had no choice but to come back."

I look to Bruce. "He saw my flashback. Definitely."

"What does that mean?" Thor asks.

"It means we're dealing with yet another thing we don't know about." Tony snarls, stalking away from us. 

_What the hell_? 

"Tony," I call as he grabs his "coffee" and downs it. "You do know me. And you know Loki." 

"Yeah, I do. But what I don't know is who else in the world can do what you do. Or in the universe."

"You have no idea what millions of people can do," Bruce says for me.

I feel the pressure branching down into my fingertips. "Bruce, watch your screen. Set it for anything you think you could measure."

"Wh--"

"I'm gonna do magic." 

Tony whirls around. "No! Don't try and snuggle me out of this. I can't just pretend everything's gonna be alright!"

Loki begins whimpering, holding tighter to me. Thor gets to his knees, blocking Loki from the room and pressing a giant hand to his back. 

"Loki," I whisper, turning his chin to face me. His wide dear eyes shimmer. "This is just like before. Watch me. Watch the stars. Do you understand?"

The shivering ratchets up. 

"Thor will protect you, and I will come back in just a few seconds."

Thor pries Loki from my torso. Tony backs up. "I'm not kidding, Hayden."

His eyes are crazed, and there's a subtle tremor in his hand as he holds it out to keep me at bay, even as I stand up.

"Tony--"

"Tony, are you ok?" Bruce starts forward as well. 

"Back off, Banner." Tony snaps. "This is nobody's business. I have the right to panic if I want to."

"Why are you panicking?" Bruce is as confused by the change as me.

"Because something's coming. I can feel it in my freakin bones. Tell me I'm wrong." He demanded to Thor, who was sheltering an increasingly frightened Loki in his arms. 

"Aye." Thor nods. "I'm sure they are as well."

"Wait,  _what_?" Bruce yelps. "You know they're coming  _right now_? Like, for a  _fact_?"

Tony interrupts before Thor can actually answer, jabbing a finger at me, "So don't try to numb me or have a Barney moment."

His voice is rising with every word. I feel Loki behind me, caught between his need for me, his need to protect me, and the animal instinct to run. I can't help it, I look over my shoulder to lock eyes with him, letting the power almost overtake me. I don't know precisely what he sees, but for a moment he calms in his brother's arms. That could just be because we're making eye contact...but I think Thor looks a tiny bit awed. Or something.

"Well what the hell are we going to do?" Bruce wrings his hands. "Shouldn't we be warning somebody?"

"Like who? Who has to take care of this every single time?  _We_ do."

"We barely managed them last time!"

"Guys--" _Co-panicking isn't any better...._

Tony's breathing is erratic, his forehead is beginning to shine with sweat. When I start to walk over, he flinches. "I'm serious, Hayden. I'm not some toddler having a meltdown after missing his nap."

"I never said you were."

He backs himself against the wall, as crazed as if I was coming at him with a straightjacket. "You can't make this go away. You can't just make pretty lights and say everything is going to be fine! They're  _coming_ \--"

Loki cries out, obviously aware of the conversation now.

_Son of a bitch_...

"Tony--"

He begins to have a full on panic attack. So does Loki. 

"Jesus--" I close the distance and help Tony as he slides down the wall to the ground. "Tony--Tony, listen to me."

"Don't you dare--" He gasps.

"I'm not. But you have to breathe. That's all I'm asking for. Breathe."

He clutches at his chest. His eyes glaze over as Loki begins screaming, Bruce shouting over him. 

_No, no, no, no..._

It comes over me, and I have just enough time to pray Bruce's computer catches everything for him before I slap the ground. A wave of light washes up over the brothers, building over them until they're encased. 

_I will protect you_.  _You won't go back there, I promise._

Golden rain begins to fall within the globe. Loki's thrashing lessens as the message soaks into his skin, bringing him back to awareness.  _Good enough for now_.

Whipping back around to Tony. "Listen to me. Listen. You're right, this is a big deal. Hey--relax. I'm not gonna do anything."

I get right up in his space, holding his face in my hands. "You need to  _breathe_ , Tony."

"That's not--"

"Shut up." I growl, which gets his attention. Me shaking his head slightly in my hands probably does too. "If we think farther ahead than the next two minutes, you're going to pass out. You've been on the verge of a panic attack for like three days. That's not gonna help you right now. What's going to help is you taking a minute to get back in the present, getting information from Thor about how we can deal with these guys, and then suiting up like the badass you are and being my wingman while I murder the everlovingshit out of every last one of them."

Tony snort-chokes, then wipes an errant tear from the corner of his eye. I lean my head against his and give him a kiss on the side of his mouth. 

"This is gonna suck. But we got this."

He nods, steadily taking deeper breaths. After a minute, I lean back. "You good?"

Again, he nods. 

"Ok." I kiss his forehead, just to annoy him, and slip in the thought  _You are loved._ Because let him fucking stop me. 

"You're gonna make me soft if you keep doing that." He says as he gets himself off the floor, but I've already turned back to Loki. 

As the walls lower, he begins to struggle again. Thor releases him, clearly thinking Loki wanted to get to me. But he doesn't. Instead, he runs out of the lab.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is short because I felt like that was the appropriate "cliff hanger." If I don't finish the other part tonight, know that it's coming soon.

Thor and I look at each other from across the room.

"How about you strategize since you've got answers and I'll find him since I have none?"

"Aye."

Thor stands up. Bruce and a calmer Tony converge on him. I run out the door, distraught to see nor hear no sign of Loki. But I think I know where he would go. I mean, I'm hoping he wouldn't leave the building. I wouldn't want to run into an unfamiliar city if I felt unsafe, but I wouldn't want to be easily found either...

Steve's shout from a few floors down echos up the wall. "Loki! What the hell?!"

_Fuck._

"Loki!" I call, taking the open-air stairs five at a time. 

"NO. YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME."

Three floors down, Loki is holding a huge flat, ornate rock Tony likely purchased from the Smithsonian while Steve has his hands up,  _Ok buddy, let's just calm down._

"Loki." I call.

His wide green eyes dart over Steve just long enough to spot me, then return to Steve, obviously expecting him to lunge. 

"Loki, he won't hurt you."

"What happened, Loki?" Steve's voice is empathetic. 

Loki growls, raising the rock. 

"They're coming, Steve." I call, walking down the rest of the stairs slowly. 

"I know--I was on my way up there to get the briefing." Steve backs up until we're shoulder to shoulder. "You got this?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I'll check in later."

Loki allows him to leave, but grips his weapon when I move closer.

"It's me, Heart."

His breathing is so ragged I can hear it even though I'm four feet away.

"Heart--"

He swipes forward with the rainbow-speckled plate-like rock, heavy enough to fans me as it passes. Loki snarls, eyes almost milky in their flashback. He swings again.

_His wrists are bound together behind him, strung so high he's forced forward on his knees, a relentless bow. His ankles are shackled close to the floor, ensuring he cannot roll to either side._

My vision is a confusing haze of that image and the "real" Loki, teeth exposed and sweaty-haired. I slap wildly at the rock as it comes even closer. The bones in the back of my palm reverberate with pain. 

_Something drapes across his back--a liquid shadow that trickles down his back and curls around his shoulders like fingers. Whatever it is, it frightens him even though it does not hurt him. He pants into the cold floor as whatever it is explores his bare chest, looping around his knees and snaking up his backside, lingering on his hips._

"Loki!" I gasp--Jesus Christ my hand hurts--"It's me. It's Hayden-- _look at me!_ "

_T_ _he darkness feels him out, pinching and poking and scratching like a lover discovering their partner's body._ _Something about this fills him with more dread and terror than being strung up and flogged. I can feel the fear clawing his nerves._

Through the grey dots of memory I see Loki flick his wrist and a glint of metal in his fingers. 

 _Come on,_ I urge my stupid brain,  _Pull out, come back--come on, come on!!_

For one blessed moment his flashback is shoved aside, enough time for me to see the little dagger coming at my middle. My reaction is to dodge to the side and fall to the ground like a freaking toddler. There's a crisp, cold pain wrapping around my waist, and then Loki is on top of me, raising the knife to finish the job. 

I should shriek. Scream for help. Plead. But the muscles in my throat are dead. 

_The shadow lifts Loki's head by the hair. A smaller patch of darkness passes up and down his cheeks. I have no doubt, somehow, that that's a mouth. It licks and kisses Loki, who whimpers and chokes, jerking in the ropes even though it stokes a fire in his shoulders. The shadow envelopes his throat, forcing him to still his head. I feel it nip the corners of his mouth as another branch makes its way down his chest to his groin. And as I sense and see the stroking between his legs, an unseen tongue forces itself between his lips._

The knife comes down. Unbidden, a golden brick of light shimmers between us, encasing the knife and cementing it half a foot from my stomach. Loki cries out in frustration, trying to yank it out. His struggle gives me enough room to free an arm, and I bat the brick aside. It makes almost no noise on the carpet as it rolls clumsily away. 

Loki's eyes are clear as he turns back to me. As I reach out to him, he scrambles off me, holding me at bay, lips quivering. I roll onto my knees, but he's already flying down the stairs.

His shame...fear...the violation blows through me in waves. Past and present.

He's running from  _me_ this time. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always, glad you guys are enjoying the story. This one's particularly heavy on the noncon, in case anyone needs that TW. The last fourth of this chapter isn't edited yet, because guess what time it is. I'll finish that bit "tomorrow." :) 
> 
> General question: The power Hayden has here are actually taken from a sort of AU I've had in my head for years now. I've been working on a nonfan-fic story I hope to publish or self-publish some day. If the mood strikes you, would you guys let me know if you'd be interested in hearing some sort of update on that? I'm not sure if I'd just leave info in a chapter summary or start a mailing list or make a website or what. 
> 
> I'm honestly not sure if anyone would be as interested in the story if it wasn't (Loki) fanfic, but I've gotten several flattering comments about my writing style. It'd be nice to get a gauge of the general interest in my other work.

I don't call for him--I'm too overwhelmed by his emotions. In fact, I'm wrestling the urge to run and hide myself, as though it's my memory that was exposed. 

But I follow. He flees to our room--small miracles--and slams the door. I'm not surprised to find it locked when I quietly try the handle. Something slams against the wall, startling the absolute shit out of me. Then something else--on the opposite wall, maybe. 

"Friday--what the hell?"

"He is...tearing apart the room." She says remorsefully.

"Unlock it, please?"

"Miss, he is quite dangerous right now."

"I know."

Another piece of furniture explodes against the door, but I approach anyway. My palm throbs as I flex it around the handle, and I can't suppress a shout of pain when another something crashes against the door, rattling the handle violently. The bone is probably bruised..damn it. Shoving the door open, I throw up a barrier to protect myself, but Loki is already closing the bathroom door behind him.

I wipe the barrier away, then creep up to the door, at a loss for what to do.

"Sweetheart..."

A sob of an answer. I test the knob and find it unlocked, whether because Loki was in too much of a hurry or Friday helped me out, I don't know.

"Loki." I call softly into the dark room. 

A scuffling noise...a wail. 

Moving as slowly as I can, I enter and look around. Predictably, he's wedged himself in the corner of the shower, as small as he can manage.

"Go." He orders--well...pleads...as I pad forward.

"Why?"

"YOU KNOW WHY."

He clutches his side, breathing shallowly. I kneel outside the shower, aware of how he cowers away from me. He turns his head to the wall, hugging himself.

"Heart--"

"GET AWAY." He screams, clawing at the shower wall as though he could tunnel into it. "DON'T TOUCH ME."

"I won't touch you."

He holds one hand over his lips. Screaming makes them ache, I think. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Should I get Thor? Should I just leave him alone for awhile? 

"Please...." Loki breathes. "Please."

Please...leave? Help?

"I wish to be alone."

Ok, but..should I? I want to respect his space/privacy, but he's in more than one kind of pain. And he shouldn't be ashamed. Would my leaving make him think I find him disgusting? 

"Loki...I love you." 

..........Really? Now's when I choose to say it?  _Seriously_?

"You don't!" He snarls, head whipping around to bare his teeth. 

"I do."

"No, you  _pity_ me." He hisses. "I am but a mewling kitten for you to care for."

My cut sears for a moment when my gasp. "Why would you say that?"

He lurches out of the shower. I scramble back to my feet and back into the wall as he stalks to me.

"I was captured like any helpless mortal and tortured for weeks. I am bleeding...and...and  _broken_..."

His voice cracks, and his gaze drifts for a second, then snaps back. He closes the distance, almost pressed up against me, radiating fury.

"And now we know everything--every pathetic, humiliating detail."

 _We_. So he forgot. It explains why he was able to hug me bare skinned before. And now I know why he was so frightened to be naked in front of me in the beginning. When it hadn't been fully buried.

He slams his fist into the wall to my left, probably in response to the empathy he just saw in me.

"You know how they bled me. How they silenced me. How they violated me. And you were the one to find me out of my mind and helpless."

"Do you regret it?!" I burst out, wounded even though some part of me is aware this isn't about me. "Did you want someone else to help you? Did want me to turn you away?"

"I wanted no help!!" He hollers down at me. "You should have left me to die."

He can't be serious. He can't actually think I would have just left him there. Surely he didn't want to die in that moment. But then...maybe he did. Maybe, at least in his memory, he was that frightened and hurt. Regardless, he is now. 

 _Rage is easier than pain_   _and shame_. I repeat to myself. And the sureness flows through me.  _Ok. I can do this. I know what's happening now_. 

"They are  _coming_." He leans in close, oblivious to my renewed purpose. "I will be forced to give myself over! To bargain away the rest of my sanity to keep you and the others out of harm. Had you let me die as I deserved, you would have spared me an eternity of agony and shame!" 

"You didn't deserve to die." I snap, unable to stop myself. 

His knuckles cave the wall all around me, creating a sick silhouette. "They're  _coming_! They are COMING. Why wouldn't you let me die??"

I stand perfectly still, at once frightened and determined to be an immovable force of support. He stops, grimacing and panting through clenched teeth. He seems to be waiting. "WHY WOULDN'T YOU LET ME DIE?!"

"Because...I love you."

"YOU CANNOT. I have given you NO reason to do so."

"Yes, you have."

"THEN--" He's screaming so loud my ears hurt. "--WHATEVER REASON YOU CLUNG ON TO IS GONE NOW. I am NOTHING, Hayden. NOTHING."

I reach out, unthinking, to take his hand. He slaps it away--thank god it wasn't the bruised hand--and hisses wordlessly. Jesus, I'm nobody's favorite today.

_Keep it together. You know why this is happening._

"They're coming. They're coming..." His eyes suddenly brim with tears. "They're coming back."

He spins away, stumbling as his rage drains, and with it, his strength. 

I didn't realize I was crying until I take a shuddering breath.

"My One," I murmur.

He doesn't answer. He just doubles over his knees, hugging himself and weeping. I take a cautious step forward, which makes him flinch. "It's alright."

I mean, it isn't. It isn't at all. He's in danger and he's bleeding and his heart is broken. But I'm here. So I tell him that as I go over to the shower and turn it on. And I tell him again as I gather the enormous bath towels and rest them by the shower door. Loki sobs into the floor.

"Loki," I whisper, getting down on one knee.

At my voice, I see and hear his memory in that half haze:

_"Tremble, for you will face the wrath of Thanos’s grieving children."_

_Loki, pinned by needles, by shackles, by shadow._

_"Loki, son without a father. How delicious your tears are..."_

_"_ Heart." I call out, barely able to keep from taking him in my arms. "Heart, come back to me."

His lips tremble. Loki covers his face and curls into a tighter ball. It leaves me little choice. 

"Sweetheart." I brace myself. "Loki, I'm here."

The moment my palm touches his arm, he's screaming, scrambling away. Just like Steve, I hold my hands up. "It's ok. It's ok, Heart. It's just me. I'm not gonna hurt you. I won't hurt you."

Oddly, he won't make eye contact with me. Though obviously tracking me, he instead tries to make himself invisible against the wall.

"I won't hurt you. I won't touch you."  _Yet_. "I just want you to look at me."

_"Abandoned as a baby, rejected as a man."_

_"NO." Loki screams angrily to the black, even as a new gash opens over his thigh. "I am not abandoned. My brother--"_

_"We will make it clear who lead us to your brother and his followers."_

_"There is NOTH--AAAHHHH." He screams, twisting in pain as the shadow digs into his hip._

_"We will come. One by one, we will hunt them down. Pry into their bodies. Their minds. Dissect them bone by bone. And while we do, we will tell the tale of how you wept for mercy and bargained your safety for theirs."_

_The hand not invading his bone caresses his cheek with opposing kindness._

_"Each and every fool who ever befriended you. Loved you."_

_Loki's eyes fly open at this, an entirely new fear welling up in them. The movement at his hip ceases for a moment. Immediately, Loki begins violently shaking his head, frantically denying what the Child now understands._

_"Are you afraid? Are you afraid for her?"_

I snap back to the present, to Loki, howling into his hands. I yank him up--nothing else will work now--holding tight when he starts fighting me with everything left in him. 

"Shh, shh," I push open the shower door, jamming my elbow in the glass as he thrashes. 

In a desperate attempt to find some position that doesn't mimic one of the terrible scenarios I've seen, I sit against the wall and force him to kneel over my lap. His wrists fit easily in my hand, which I pin down on my thigh. All the while, he screams. I cover his mouth--he has to be able to hear me--and press his head to mine. 

Now I have his attention. His horrified, agonized attention. 

"It's alright. You're alright. It's just you and me." I repeat gently. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I've got you."

His breath comes shallow against my palm, and I draw it away so he can get more air.

"It's ok. You're ok now."

"No..." He moans. "No...."

The memories, the looming, now confirmed threat...the guilt and humiliation and self-hatred, the overwhelming fear...I feel each and every piece of it. He's pouring it into me. Or maybe my body is soaking it up as it overflows from him. As his features contort against the pain, I pull myself closer, press myself against him and wrap my arms around him. As my world drowns in the static of his terror, the light within me bursts forth. It pours back into him, stealing his breath.

_You are loved. You are protected. You are safe._

He gasps against me as it washes him out, disappearing beneath his skin and pressing back the memories and hurt. Overtaking the hopelessness, out-shouting the flashback.

_I love you. I've got you. I'm here._

And then we're left under the pellets of water, clutching each other. I don't hush him as his tears fall now. When I try to give him space and he whimpers, I don't question him. I just make space for him to curl up against me.

"Feel the water." I whisper, tucking his hair behind his ear. "Feel the water and feel how I breathe."

Loki nuzzles into my shoulder, still crying, and snakes one hand to the notch in my neck to feel the rise of my chest and the echo of my heartbeat. I'm confident the hot water won't run out this time. And that we have enough time for this little bit of healing to happen. 

 


	23. Chapter 23

I don’t hush him. I don’t tell him it’s alright, it’ll be ok. Not even that he’s safe. We’re not safe, it won’t be truly ok for a long time, and what happened will never be alright. 

 

He falls into a sort of doze under the (still!) warm water, the run-off from his clothes dripping steadily down the front of my shirt. 

 

What do I do from here? I have to go back to the lab, right? Or am I supposed to take him and run? Leave the real heroes to do what they do?

 

I’ll have to talk to them—Steve, at least. He usually makes the final calls, to Tony’s eternal irritation. 

 

Tony. I want to take him with. To tell him he doesn’t have to be a part of this one. Just once, let everyone else shoulder the burden. His fear has been almost as painful as Loki’s.

 

“Hayden? Loki?”

 

I almost don’t hear Thor through the drumming of the shower, but Loki’s startle solidifies the words.

 

“It’s just Thor.” I murmur.

 

I expect that to soothe him. Instead, he begins trembling. “You can’t tell him. Please don’t tell him. He can’t know.”

 

“Ok, ok, ok,” I say hurriedly as tears rise in his eyes. “I won’t say a word. I promise.”

 

“Loki?”

 

“We’re here.” I call, pulling Loki close as he turns his head away from the growing shadow.

 

Either Thor assumes we’re clothed or it didn’t occur to him to check. He rounds the corner and opens the shower door without missing a beat.

 

“Come here, Loki.” He whispers.

 

It’s second nature to Thor to care for Loki, but he doesn’t look put off when Loki refuses to look at him.

 

“It’s alright, brother.” He says tenderly, running his palm over Loki’s neck. 

 

Out of nowhere, Loki snarls, actually turning to try and bite Thor like a cornered animal. He pushes away from me, clawing at Thor, who looks surprised but defends himself easily.

 

“Stay away from me!!”

 

_Now_ Thor looks hurt.

 

“Heart,” I leave my hand on his shoulder even when he tries to shrug it away, leaning in so Thor can’t hear. “He doesn’t know.”

 

“Know what?”

 

... _Shit_.

 

“Know what, brother?”

 

“Nothing.” 

 

That’s a tone I haven’t heard come from Loki before, but Thor recognizes it, and looks even sadder. 

 

“Loki...secrets are in our past. Did we not agree to be open from now on?”

 

“It matters not. Do not pry, brother. You will regret it.” 

 

There’s something wild about his tone. Fanged. Almost malicious.

 

In the half shadow, the water running over Thor’s cheeks look like tears.

 

“I thought threats were of the past, too, brother.”

 

“Stop.” I interrupt Loki’s next growl, pulling his arms back to his sides as he moves to strike.

 

“I won’t tell him!” Loki yells at me suddenly, trying to shake me off.

 

“I didn’t say you should.” I say, countering fury with calm. “Hushhh, hush. I’ll let you go.” 

 

And I do. He stills, braced against us both now. The pressure of thick and sludgy memories weighs on me.

 

“He keeps having flashbacks.” I say to Thor. “A bad one just came back to him.”

 

If anything, Thor looks more pained. “Brother...”

 

Loki doesn’t answer, panting, sandwiched between us.

 

To distract Thor, “Tell me what you guys decided.”

 

Unable to take his eyes off Loki, Thor murmurs, “We do not know how long we have for certain. A few days at most. Everyone seems agreed that we should take the fight to them to avoid civilian casualties.”

 

“What, in space? You’re the only one who can manage that.” My heart rate spikes. They can’t possibly expect Thor to take this on himself.

 

“The Tin Man believes he can modify a suit to work well enough to get it to space.”

 

“...With him in it?”

 

Thor nods.

 

So Tony’s not ok right now.

 

“Captain is completely against this.”

 

“You just said everyone agrees—“

 

“That we should avoid civilian casualties, aye. But Tony believes the only way to be completely certain of that is for the two of us to meet them before they enter the atmosphere.”

 

“What does Steve want to do?”

 

“He would the team to a remote location and lead the Children to believe my brother is with us. He would, in reality, be with you.”

 

At once this seems like the best and worst plan ever. Of course I want Loki with me, but I now realize I absolutely did not intend to separate myself from the Team. 

 

_You can’t protect them all. You might not Even be able to protect the one that’s yours._

Suddenlymy golden promises of loyalty and strength seem childish.

 

“Loki,” Thor says gently.

 

Loki starts, shrinking away.

 

“It’s only me, brother. I would not hurt you.”

 

Loki tried to turn into me, an unmistakable whine of shame and fear escaping him. As one, Thor and I press against him. The water cascades off of Thor and rains over me as I take Loki in my arms. I cover his face, too easily able to imagine what it could bring up for him if the water choked him. As it is, the feeling of multiple hands frightens him.

 

“I’ve got you. We’re here.” I whisper, looping my arm under Thor’s. “You’re safe.”

 

I can’t not say it, even though it’s only nominally true and only for a very short period of time now. 

 

“Hayden.”

 

A new voice—one I haven’t heard for a few days now. Nat’s back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always, glad you guys are enjoying it. :)

 Natasha stands at the corner, as unphased about the fully clothed shower situation as Thor.

“You’re alive. And seemingly intact.”

Her lips twitch, but she jerks her head towards the bedroom. “We need to talk.”

Thor again pries Loki away from me, with less fighting on Loki’s part this time. He’s exhausted himself once again. 

“I’m just around the corner, Heart. I will come the moment you need me.”

“Speak quickly.” Thor says softly as Loki quivers.

I brush Thor’s shoulder in thanks as I sweep the towel off the floor.

“Are you ok?” I ask Nat, rubbing my face hard in the towel as we leave the bathroom. Can cheeks get pruny?

“Been worse.”

“Ah.”

Nat sits on the bed as I swap soaking clothes for the stuff I had on when we came here the first day.

I sit on the bed with her, immediately aware of how wrung out I feel. “It’s been a really long couple of days.”

“At least you aren’t jet-lagged.”

“How jet-lagged could I be?”

“To Russia and back in under two days.”

“That..would suck, yes.”

She rests against the pillows with me. “I could sleep for a week.”

I’d love to keep up the light talk. Let Nat be for me what I became for her—an escape. 

_Speak quickly_. “I hear we don’t have that long.”

“No.” She sits up, adopting that business attitude she works in way too often. “Here’s the plan. We want to fly you out to a safe house—Hawk Eye’s house, actually. You and Loki.”

“And you?”

Her red curls swing as she shakes her head no. “I’ll only be there long enough to drop you off and get the Quinjet back before they get here.”

“So no Star Wars reinactment?”

“Cap says no. Tony can’t make the right modifications fast enough to survive out there, and they can’t take them alone even if he could.”

“Tony says...”

“You know what Tony says.”

“Mmm.” 

The shower turns off, but no other sounds come from the bathroom. Thor carries Loki, wrapped in a towel, to the bed and deposits him at my side.

“Jesus, Thor, I completely forgot to leave you a towel. I’m sorry.”

He waves away my apology even as the carpet darkens with the run-off. “He is asleep...While he did not tell me all, he told me enough.”

What I thought were shivers against cold are repressed fury.

“He felt guilty for having lashed out at me and told me...he told me....”

I don’t really know what comes over me, but as usual, I’m saying it before I think it through, “Nat, grab a towel, would you?”

She nods, the look on her face reminiscent of the one back in my apartment. I rummage through the guest dresser and find brand new Levi’s and shirts in an undoubtedly expensive brand I’ve never even heard of. I eyeball sizes and grab two pairs of everything, dropping them by the bed.

“Thor.” I turn him away from Loki, “Kneel down, will you? You’re tall as hell.”

He complies without question, which surprises the fuck out of me. Nat returns with a huge bath towel.

Thor’s expression is hollow, haunted. “I promised Mother I would protect him.”

My first thought is to assure him he did, but I wouldn’t listen to me right now if I were him. So I just let him talk while I wipe his cheeks dry.

“I never told anyone of that promise. Not even...or perhaps _especially_ not Loki. But she knew how he...how he wanted escape my shadow.” Thor looks to the floor, ashamed. “And she suspected, rightly, that he would harm himself to do it. She asked me to look out for him, no matter what petty, hot-headed mischief he got up to.”

Natasha sits at the edge of the bed. I can’t tell if she’s listening. I run the clothe over Thor’s hair gently. 

“I failed him.”

“You didn’t.” Nat says. 

Thor looks over my shoulder at her, but she doesn’t elaborate. She stares at Loki, curled into his towel, peaceful in sleep.

Thor doesn’t seem to have the energy to argue with her, but he looks no less defeated. I lift his shirt up at the hem and wait to see if he’ll argue, but he peels it off for me, arms dropping immediately to his sides.

“Hey.” I say softly, wrapping the towel around his shoulders. 

He looks up, brown eyes brimming. 

“You didn’t.”

And I hug him to me as a few tears fall. 

“You are—and have always been—exactly what he needed.” I say quietly.

“If I was, I would have found him weeks ago.”

“If you weren’t, he wouldn’t have survived long enough to be found.”

“You found him, not me. You saved him. I should have—“

I lean my head against his so he has to look me in the eye. “I’ve seen some of what he went through. He held on because he knew you were searching—“

“But I never found him!” Thor wails so loudly Loki almost wakes.

“Thor.” I sweep a few more tears away with my thumb, keeping his gaze. “You're not omniscient. You would have found him eventually. I just beat you to it. But he was strong enough to hold on through it all because he knew you love him.”

His expression shifts, like something occurs to him. Or like he sees something in mine.

“You are...”

“Thor.” 

Steve, the next to appear to the party. 

I hand Thor the dry shirt as he rises to the summons. I’m not sure what just happened, but his anguish has ebbed somewhat. Maybe I actually chose the right words for once.

They talk in low voices, then Thor says to us, “I will return.”

Natasha didn’t acknowledge him as he goes. I give her space, undertaking the task of changing at least Loki’s shirt while he sleeps before he can get cold. He whimpers as his skin is exposed, but quiets when I whisper in his ear. I realize Levi’s are infinitely too complex to get on if I want him to stay asleep, so I head back to find more PJ pants.

She speaks up. “You would have done well in my line of work. Parts of it.”

“The information parts.”

She chuckles—I’m sure I proved her point. It was never lost on me that we both had an ability to read subtext. But, I mean, come on. There’s knowing when someone’s having a bad day and then there’s everything Nat can do. I tell her this, adding, 

“I know you only keep me around because I know when to shut up and listen.”

“No. I keep you around because you are everything I hope I can be someday.”

She might as well have backhanded me. “...Come again?”

Back to staring at Loki as I exchange his towel for the quilt.

“I went to Russia to visit my old school.”

“Oh.” This explains nothing.

“I needed to see if any of my old...teachers...were there.”

 

_“He remind you of something?”_

_“Yeah. He does.”_

 

I don’t know much about her past because she needs me not to know it. Sometimes the only way to be able to  _hear_ someone is to only have the information they’re giving you in the moment. That way you hear the emotions without applying a backstory and focusing on platitudes or excuses. So I don’t know much about her “school.” But I know it’s what molded that expression.

“There were a few left, but not the one I really needed to see.”

I stroke Loki’s hair and nod.

“I didn’t really expect her to still be alive. But I expected her grave to be harder to find. It makes me wonder if she knew...” Nat swallows hard.

“We mostly got the same...education, you know? But there were a lot of girls who ended up looking...”

“Like Loki.”

“Yeah.” 

“That sounds fucking awful. I’m sorry.”

A humorless laugh as she swipes at her eyes. “At first that’s what really bothered me. When I saw him like that on your couch I remembered them. How those girls looked. How they sounded.”

Again, I’m struck by how utterly useless I am. I'm a girl from Idaho who moved to New York to tutor high school kids. That's no match for this woman from Russia with the darkest knowledge of the world running through her head. How the hell am I supposed to know what to say? 

_Sometimes your job is just to listen to them be in pain._ The wiser part of my brain says. Reminding myself of that particular friend role always sucks.

“So I went to Russia to find the Matron and make her pay for what she did to all those girls. But she was dead. So I did some digging—figuratively and, eventually, literally—and found what was left of her.”

She wipes at her eyes again. While I’d love to try and get a full bingo board of hugging all the superheroes in one day, it won’t fly with this one. So I just shift on the bed and gesture for her to rejoin me in leaning on the pillows.

“I started snapping every bone that was in that grave. For all the girls she destroyed. I had all those sounds and visions of them curled on their bunks going on behind my eyes...But...I realized it wasn’t...all her I was mad at. Not all the teachers, you know? Because never once did  _I_  go to one of those girls and try to make them feel better.”

Now she looks at me. “I know I was in survival mode. I know comforting any of them would have made my life so much worse. But...I wish I had wanted to. Or, I don’t know...had wanted to badly enough to at least try.”

I nod. 

“And I like you, Hayden, because you’re the type of person who would have risked it.”

“I’m the type of person they would have destroyed. I mean it, Nat.” I insist when her lips do their quirk. “Sometimes having a heart just gets you killed.”

“Maybe. But maybe I would have died a better person.”

“A lot of other lives would be lost by now if you had died.”

“A lot of lives were lost because I didn’t.”

“I was under the--albeit vague--impression you were killing Hydra people, not dog shelter volunteers.”

“I’ve killed all kinds of people.”

“But I’ll bet none of them worked in soup kitchens.”

She humors me with a snort.

“Look, I don’t wanna risk losing your friendship by knocking down my own pedestal. I appreciate that you have this wildly overinflated opinion of my good heart. Shut up.”

She closes her mouth again, looking more authentically amused this time.

“Nat...you’re every bit as good as I am at...I don’t know, empathy? Whatever. You just don’t force yourself on people making them feel better. I do it way too much.”

 

“That’s not the worst problem to have.”

“Then there’s your New Years resolution, you’re welcome.”

She brushes a sopping rope of hair off my shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Anytime. Also, I'ma need you to take me to the Matron's gravesite with some gasoline."

Steve sticks his head in. “Guys, we got a problem.”


	25. Chapter 25

Steve disappears. Nat and I move off the bed as fast as we can without waking Loki. 

Nat. "What is it?"

Thor. "Banner has detected something coming towards our solar system."

My heart thunders out cold blood. My entire body thrums with panic. 

"How long?" Nat asks. If she feels even a fraction of the fear I suddenly do, she masks it better.

"Perhaps a few hours."

"Do we know it's actually them?" I check over my shoulder, willing my lungs to keep a steady pace. Loki sleeps on.

"Timing seems good." Nat mutters. "What's the plan? We got time to get them to the safe house?"

"I do not know."

"Let's go." Nat turns to me. "Stay here. Be ready to go the second I come back."

I nod. Thor and Nat vanish. I cover my face, smothering the gurgling panic in my throat. 

_How stupid could you be? "I'll protect you." "I'll murder them for what they did to you." You're a child, and you're very likely screwed._

Ah, that voice. The acidic self-hatred. Always cropping up at the best times. 

 _Don't let it drown you_.

Loki whimpers. I wonder if my heartbeat is tainting his dreams. 

"Shhh..." I walk over and tuck his hair behind his ear. My legs feel too jittery for me to sit down with him. 

Loki nuzzles my hand slightly. I feel something at the periphery of my mind. But unlike his flashbacks, this one feels silky. Soothing. 

_My bedroom. The lights are off, but the street lamps and ambient light of the skyscape make it easy to see anyway. Six weeks ago. I'm lying on top of the sheets, covering my bare stomach and legs with a body pillow. Loki walks away from the light switch, bare chest catching the moonlight._

_"You need not hide."_

_"I'm not hiding." I lie._

_Loki doesn't respond, but moves the pillow aside gently. I remember trying not to squeak and replace it with my hands. It's odd to see from this side the 'blank' expression Tony identified as me hiding fear._

_"You are lovely."_

_"Thank you. You're...at an advantage."_

_I remember saying that, meaning 'Why am I the only one without pants?' and also 'We really can't compare my mortal flesh to your actual god-like stature, now can we?'_

_"I apologize."_

_"No, no, sorry, that sounds like I'm trying--"_

_His knee hooks up on the mattress and you can see the slate of my mind wipe clean. He smirks charmingly._

_"You needn't be intimidated either."_

_I snort, then cover my mouth, eliciting a more gentle smile from him._

_"You captivate me, Miss Hayden."_

_I watch dream me trace his shoulder, struggling to take the compliment and avoiding his eyes._

_"And I'd like it very much if you would do me the honor of sharing what goes on here." He taps between my eyebrows._

_"Very little."_

_Now he hooks my chin. "I know that's not true. Perhaps the ugly thoughts seem true. And I believe they run through your head like a strong current. But I've watched you. How you handle being a part of the Team."_

__"HA. I'm not part of the Team!"_ _

__"You are." He says softly, covering my mouth with his thumb to keep me from retorting. "You ground them."_ _

__I have no snappy, self-deprecating retort for that._ _

__"You ground me. You intrigue me. You...take in the world differently, Hayden._ "_

_Even in this dream I can feel the blush radiating._

_"And...you like that?" I ask stupidly._

_"I do."_

_Surprisingly, that simple affirmation actually settles me. I feel seen. Understood._

_"Do you have poetry? On Asgard?"_

__He laughs._ "What?"_

_"Sorry--I was just wondering...you must, though, right? You've got art, you must have poetry."_

_How are his teeth so perfect? I remember thinking that then, too. _"We do, yes."__

_"Do you like it?"_

_"Yes. Very much."_

_I take in the definition of the muscles over his ribs, drag a fingernail experimentally in the middle of his sternum._

_"But I wonder what made you think of that?"_

_"I'm weird?"_

_"No, you are not." He says softly._

_I brave fidgeting closer to his face, thumbing a lock of his hair. "There's this poem I really like that goes through my head sometimes. One line in particular, actually...'Miles to go before I sleep.' It's...I mean, the whole piece is just this guy that's sort of heading home and notices this really pretty frozen lake."_

_Loki mirrors me, running his fingers through my hair._

_"So the guy takes a second to look at the lake and just appreciate how beautiful it is. And then he keeps on going because he has stuff to do."_

_"And what about them makes you think of that piece?" He murmurs, 'them' meaning 'the Team.'_

_That's why I started to fall for Loki. Tony and Bruce are certifiable genuises, Steve and Thor are Captain and King, respectively. Nat and Clint are the pinnacle of unaltered human athletics...but Loki can navigate the mind. He can hear the things no one is saying. Make connections. He's perceptive, like Natasha_ _. I guess I just like people who get people._

_"I don't think it's really what the author intended, but when I listen to the Team talk about strategy or politics or science..there's something really beautiful about how competent they all are. To me, capability is beauty. Does that make sense?"_

_He nods._

_"It makes me think of how far away I am from ever being that capable, I guess. Of anything. Just...miles to go."_

_"You are capable of seeing people so clearly, Hayden. I wonder what clouds your eyes so when you look in the mirror."_

 

A tear runs down my cheek, startling me out of his memory-dream. It was one of the best nights of my life, and not just because of what happened shortly after that comment. I wonder if we'll ever be able to have a night like that again.

A rustling behind me startles the shit out of me, which wakes Loki. He bolts upright, shrieking, as I turn around and see--

"Tony?!"

Tony collapses against me, burying his face in my shoulder, quivering soundlessly. Behind me, Loki grows more tense.

"Shhh, Loki, I'm here. Nothing is happening."

The best I can do is to gather Tony into my arms and sit on the bed next to Loki so his knees are against my arm. He curls into himself and watches.

"It's ok....it's ok."

I have no idea what specifically is upsetting Tony, of course. I can make educated guesses, all of which make 'it's ok' a lie. Best just stick with the platitude. He quivers harder, trying to keep his sobs buried in silence, I think. I pet his hair and lean my cheek against him, letting several minutes go by.  

"What happened?" I finally murmur when the shaking subsides a bit. 

He leans back, swiping at his eyes. "When I saw the alert, my first thought was to get in the suit and head them off. Just let them chase me for awhile. Far away from the city. Then I remembered I haven't fixed the suit you sliced up."

"So you came here to...collect cash for the damage?"

"I came here to..." He pauses. It's like watching someone pull a knotted string tighter and tighter. "I came...I wanted too--fuck--I mean, not--" 

I cradle his cheek, effectively hushing him. "What do you need?"

He looks away, absent-mindedly touching the place Thanos had run through with the sword. 

"Tony." 

His brown eyes flick at me and away again, starting to shake his head.

More gently this time, "Tony, what do you need?"

 

His chin drops to his chest. "...Tell me I don't have to do this alone."

He tries to turn away. Instead, I pull him back into an embrace. "No. You don't have to do this alone. You won't do this alone."

And for the first time in my life, I feel Tony's arms wrap around me. Hugging me back. 

"W-what's happening?" Loki whimpers, unable to handle Tony's distress any longer. 

I spare a hand to squeeze his. "I'll explain in a minute, Heart."

Tony tightens around me for a moment, then lets go. "Time to go to work."

There's an emptiness around him as he begins to stand up. He looks...shut down. But by the time I know why, he's already out the door.

"H-Hayden?" Loki's hand begins to tremble in mine. "What's happened?"

"Just--" I jump off the bed. "Shh, shh, just give me one moment. I'll be in the hall for just a moment. I promise."

Feeling guilty, I rush out of the room. 

"Tony!" 

He stops, and I watch him consciously straighten his back. Putting on the mask. He turns around. "Don't think I've forgotten about billing you. And we both know you can't afford what that suit costs. I'm thinking house chores. Definitely a maid outfit."

My first thought is to remind him that he has a staff of robots on hand to clean up any and everything, but I sidestep it. 

"You didn't believe me."

"I--I did. That, in there...I was just--forget it."

"Stop." 

I say it softly, and hold out my hand. Tony's eyes flick down on it and wave me away, beginning to back up so he could escape to the stairs. "I'm fine, Hayden."

"You're lying."

"Yeah, well," he snaps, "I have a right to handle my problems however I see fit."

"You do. You also have a right to ask for help when you need it." 

"I don't need help!!"

"Ok."

"I  _don't_!" He yells. 

Behind me, I feel Loki winding tight, beginning to shake. 

"Ok." 

I mean, he's right. I really shouldn't be forcing my nurturance or whatever on him. I don't get to just  _fix_ stuff, infuse people with the emotional  _I_ want them to feel. I'm not god, and I know perfectly well that aggressively trying to make people feel better just to make yourself feel better is a crappy thing to do.

A pause.

"I'm--I'm sorry." He brings shaking fingers up to his eyes. "I shouldn't yell." 

"It's ok. You're right--I've been kind of forcing myself on you. I should respect your space." 

I back up and then turn, demonstrating my intention to be more respectful. Also, Loki is panicking. I've almost made it back to the doorway when,

"Make me believe it."

I look over my shoulder. He's utterly vulnerable. Hurting and scared and desperate and open. I close the distance and take him in another hug. He hugs me tighter this time--between him and Loki I'm pretty sure my ribcage is a different shape now. 

"You aren't alone." I whisper next to his ear. "You're going to make it through this. I promise."

He nods into my shoulder, compressing me in his arms like he can absorb my conviction. Instead, I let it flow freely, ribbons of golden assurance and love melting into him. 

"Thanks." His goatee tickles my neck.

"Any time."

The alarms start blaring. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't felt too certain about the last two chapters quality-wise. Hope you guys like them well enough. Fair warning, probably about three chapters left?
> 
> Bright side--I like Hayden and Loki quite a bit, so I suspect there will be an offshoot showing her helping him heal some more. More vignettes than storyline. 
> 
> I also enjoy the Hayden/Tony dynamic greatly. I get a kick out of how she holds her own against him. He's a genius in a lot of areas except emotions, and that's where she shines. So there will also very likely be a different story with the two of them as an item.


	26. Chapter 26

Tony stumbles back. "Friday?"

"An unidentified aircraft has entered the atmosphere."

"That's my cue." 

I have a second to appreciate Tony's posture--more self-assured and fluid--before Loki's flashbacks hit me.

_The threaded needle passes the corner of his bottom lip. The salt from his tears stings the punctures as the shadow ties the final knot with unnecessary force. His whole face is on fire. His eyes burn from crying, his lips are an agony that radiates through his bones all the way to his ears. The leather straps on his neck and forehead have rubbed the already broken skin into a tender rash. Three mushy fingers push against his bloody lips, causing him to thrash as much as the restraints will allow, screaming in muffled anguish._

"Loki!" I cry out, crashing into a side table as I fall back into the present. Tony is gone.

I stumble back to the room, trying to think through the cacophony that is Friday's alert system. What the fuck happened to us having "a few hours?" That wasn't even  _an_ hour. 

At first I don't see him as I scan the room, but once I get around the bed I find him curled in on himself in the corner. He cries out, crumpling further.  

"Loki, we need to move."

"Miss Romanoff has sent you instructions to leave through the basement garage. Take the Lotus and get back to your apartment, Miss Hayden." Friday chirps nervously. 

"Right, yeah." I say distractedly, listening for shouting or gun fire and to the alarm bells in my own head as they overlap Friday. "Friday, can you shut the alarm off for this floor?"

Instant silence. I can hear Loki's panicked panting. 

"Heart."

"AHH!" He flinches. 

_"Are you afraid? Say it. The Children of Thanos wish to hear your fear."_

 

 _No_. I mentally shove aside the flashback. I can't fall victim to it too--he needs me. 

"Heart," I repeat, stepping closer, trying to suppress the urge to wrench him to his feet and drag him away. "They're here. We need to go."

"Noooo," He moans.

He flinches hard when I rest my hands on his shoulders, then bats away at me desperately, eyes glazed.

"It's just me, sweetheart. I need you to listen."

"Don't let them take me! Please don't let them--" He starts choking on his fear, throat closing spasmically. 

"Shh, shh, shh."  _We don't have time for this_. "They won't take you. No one will take you."

"Miss Hayden--" Friday interrupts, "They've--"

There was a sound like someone yanking the AUX chord out of a speaker.

"They've..." I prompt her, already knowing it's useless. "Son of a b--"

"Bring him to us." A smooth, arrogant voice takes her place. "Bring him to us or we destroy the planet."

_As if you wouldn't do it anyway._

"Bring him to us, and be rewarded by the grieving Children of Thanos."

"No...no, no..." Loki begins to curl in again.

"No, sweetheart, you can't do that now. We have to move."

I try and pull him out of his little ball, but he begins sobbing. His flashback rips at my mind. I can't tell if my heart is beating too fast to count or if it's stopped completely.

"Shh, shh," I pull him into a hug and rock him, hoping he can't feel the blood pounding just under my skin. "I know you're scared. We're going to run now. We're going to get far away where they can never find us."

He clings to me as I force us to stand, finds his footing. 

"Good. That's good. I've got you. It's gonna be ok."

"Bring Loki, the fatherless traitor--"

I can't hear the rest--Loki collapses, screaming, almost bringing me down with him. I can't blame him, but I can't carry him anymore. Between places that do and don't hurt on my body, the "don't" list is significantly shorter. 

I look at him, shining with sweat and tears, trying to make himself invisible. The power rushes to my fingertips and I paint a deliberate shape in the air, a sort of half chair. Moving as if I've done this before, I guild it with my fingertips--shocked that it works--so it supports him from his thighs to his lower back. I lift up. He rises enough for me to get his arm over my shoulder and my arm around his waist. 

"Ok, hang on to me--"

"HAYDEN GET OUT OF THERE." Tony's voice comes from somewhere--it sounds different than the others, like it's from a walkie-talkie. "THEY'RE COMING FOR YOUR FLOOR."

The shock of adrenaline and the bone pain of Loki shoving himself away dissolves the golden construct.  _LIFE, WILL YOU GIVE ME JUST ONE THING?!? WORK. WITH. ME._

Loki runs for the bedroom.

"NO." I shout, managing to grab him by the wrist before he can make it through the door to the bathroom. If he locks me out, we're screwed. He fights against me, snarling and clawing like a feral animal. One nail manages to hook into my skin in just the wrong way, and suddenly my wrist and the underside of my forearm burn. More in surprise than pain, I scream. 

He freezes, horrified. I look down at my arm as the blood begins a river to my elbow. Loki makes a sort of moan of terror, backing up.  _No, no, no._ _We don't have time._ I lunge forward, grabbing his wrists with my bloody hand and yank him into the hall and the elevator. He thrashes in my arms I think I hear movement near the stairs as the doors close. 

"Shh, shh." I cover his mouth. "They're here, Heart. You have to be quiet." 

He pants up at me, eyes wide and shining. When a drop of blood hits his collarbone he twists desperately away.

"Ok, ok--it's alright." I let him go, gripping the long slash to force it to clot sooner. "Just keep your eyes on me. Just take deep breathes."

We hear voices outside the elevator door. I hold my finger up to my lips unnecessarily--Loki shivers so hard he looks like stone. I shift--his flinch seems louder than a garbage can crashing on the sidewalk--away from the door. The voices grow louder outside the door, then more frustrated. I hear what sounds like the button being mashed, but the elevator doesn't open. Did the power go out? The lights are still on...That's when I notice the buttons inside the elevator aren't lit. That's when I realize I never hit B for basement. Which means we're trapped.

I'm fighting Loki's flashbacks with everything I've got, but I'm blinded by haze. I can't make a sound to ground him--they'll hear me. I can't touch him because of my sticky red palms. The fear pounding in my throat is blocking any power I could try to use to infuse him with courage. It would also help if I had any courage to give.

All I can do is press back against the wall, strain my ears, and curl my fists, hoping they'll walk away but ready to throw blind punches if they don't.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I ever acknowledged by the way, I prefer Thor with the hammer, not the ax. So in this AU I've just decided he gets the hammer back eventually, I guess.
> 
> Also, I had said a chapter or so back that there were like 2-3 chapters left. I was planning on making a separate doc with the post-main plot events, but I decided I would just finish this plot point, make a (labeled) chapter break, and carry on under the 'document.' Easier for everyone, and a reader made the comment that it makes sense to keep them together if they’re related. The vignettes will be related to this whole story. Don’t know how many there will be though. Unlike other writers I’ve seen here, I don’t have everything planned out. Just little ideas. :)
> 
> Thank you as always for your comments and kudos and love. It’s a joy to share this with you all.

"Loki..." I whisper, barely moving my lips. "Heart...I need you here with me."

The longer I stare at this grey brick haze, the more panicked I get. I have absolutely no chance of getting us out of this if I can't see. He whimpers. I feel his fingers moving shakily over my shoulder and only just manage to keep myself from yelling when he squeezes a bruise, confirming I'm real.

"Yeah—good. That's me." The haze thins ever so slightly. "Squeeze again, as hard as you can."

I hadn't thought that one through, but as my mouth gapes in a silent scream and I clench my eyes shut, I feel the thorns of memory withdrawing. The elevator door swims before me.

"Good." I breathe (ok, wheeze).

The elevator doors shriek and groan. Suddenly I see clearly, screaming at full volume as the grey-dead eyes of a Child peer through the growing gap in the doors. And I scream again as the elevator is suddenly wrenched up, almost cutting off the Child's fingers as we disappear between floors.

"N-no!" Loki's eyes and lashes sparkle with tears. "Hayden, please--"

"Shh, shh. It's gonna be ok." 

He pants, fingers trying to find purchase, tangling in my torn shirt (when did that happen?) as the elevator rocks. The growls of the Child grow fainter. 

"Breathe. I'm here, I got you. I'll get you out of here." As if I have a chance in hell.

Suddenly the elevator speeds up, rocketing for a horrifying 10 seconds, then we're thrown against the wall as it seems to hit a ceiling. Before I can think, the doors protest as fingers pry them apart. These fingers are smooth and white, however.

"Steve?!"

"Come on!"

I wrap my arms around Loki and pull him out, under Steve's arm. Tony--now in suit Mark CXVII or whatever--is holding the elevator cable, hovering high above us. As soon as we clear it, Steve and Tony both let go. It plummets back down, cable clanking deafeningly. 

"What part of Natasha's orders to _get the hell out_ were unclear to you?" Tony yells, mouthplate lighting up with each word as he flies closer to the roof. 

"You're not the only one who sucks at following orders. Get over it." I shout back, a wave of giddiness hitting me. We  _survived_. 

Loki and I sink to the gravel. For a full beat I'm nothing but overjoyed that I can see Nat, Tony, Steve, and Thor alive and unharmed. 

"Where's Banner?" 

"Chasing a Child." Steve tells me. "They're clearly trying to draw him away, but we're going to let them."

" _Why_?"

"Because we have you."

For a terrible moment I think what he means is they're going to hand us over to the Children. " _What_?"

"They do not know of your power, Hayden." Thor says, striding over to us, decked out in Asgardian armor.

" _What_?!!"

"Heads up!" Nat shouts as the door to the stairs opens and three more Children come running out, dodging both Natasha's bullets and blasts from Tony's suit. Because of course they can.

"Just keep them away from Loki!" Thor shouts before leaping at a particularly tall, lanky Child, hammer glinting in the sun. 

 _Are they insane?_ They purposefully let Bruce leave the scene and put their faith in  _me_? _WHY?!!!_

I suppose this attack seems like some sort of training scenario to them compared to New York or Ultron or whatever, but I wasn't there for either of those. This feels like all out war. The only thing I can think to do--because my brain doing the thing where I'm thinking everything and nothing at the same time--is haul Loki up and hide behind the shed thing to our left. It's childish, and I know even as I'm run-stumbling it can't work. There's no way they haven't been tracking Loki from the moment the door opened. But my feet carry us there anyway.

We round the corner. Loki leans against the metal, pulling at his hair frantically, open-mouthed.

"Loki, we're gonna get out of this. Just stay with me." I urge, holding him up by the shoulders as he shakes.

He moans as one of the Children calls out his name in the same lilting tone one might use to summon another for dinner.

"Don't listen to them--listen to me. I'm here, Loki. I'm here this time. I'll protect you. No one's gonna take you away from me." 

He slides to the gravel and I follow him, holding my hands over his ears so he can't hear the taunts echoing across the rooftop. "Heart, stay with--Look at me.  _Loki_ \--" I shake him slightly. "Do you see the stars?"

Loki gazes desperately into my eyes, then nods. A flicker of relief passes through me--I don't feel powerful right now. There's no tingling at my fingertips, no sensation of a rising tide through my veins.

"I will protect you, Loki. I promise." I whisper urgently as the same voice calling for him comes closer. "Just don't let go of me. Ok??"

With his last bit of strength, Loki nods, squeezing his eyes against the rolling tears. His trembling fingers wrap around my wrist, which, bright side, is no longer actively bleeding.

I dodge back around the shed, intent on avoiding the voice growing closer. Instead, we come face to face with the broad Child from Loki's flashbacks, his torn lip now crusted over. 

"NO." I shriek, stumbling back.

Loki grips my shoulder--I can feel his nails criss crossing his old crescent marks. Rather than debilitating pain, my body is overly aware of the subtle sound skin makes when it splits. 

"Loki. We meet again." The Child rumbles.

Somehow, the roof is now overrun with the Children of Thanos. Nat is in hand to hand combat with two Children and Thor can't seem to get the better of the lanky one. Steve's been cornered by four and Tony is being drawn off by one who can fly suitless. We're totally alone.

In a sort of calculated, animalistic autopilot, I throw my arms behind me to create a sort of "bow shock" shape, walling him between my shoulders. Loki presses up against me, readjusting his grip as though ready to yank me off my feet and throw me to the side. His breath is hot against my neck, rapid and shallow.

The Child speaks through me as though I'm a sheet in the wind he can't be bothered to move.

"The Children of Thanos will have their revenge, fatherless son. And you...too cowardly to prevent it. Just as we predicted. Just as we designed."

"NO."

Something about that--probably the word 'cowardly' strikes Loki. He let go, two daggers miraculously appearing at his fingertips. Before I can stop him, he dodges around me. 

" _I warned you,_ " he growls, taking that battle stance in front of me, " _what I would do if you ever came near any of them._ "

The Child smirks, chuckling. It seems too relaxed--almost affable--with the fighting going on just behind us. "And what entertainment it was. Just before we broke you."

"I cannot be broken." 

A surge of pride wipes through me. Maybe I was doing a better job of taking care of him these past few days than I realized. Maybe my assurance that this time would be different—that I wouldn’t let them take him again—gave him strength. Was my word that important?

The split lip sticks on a yellowed tooth as the Child sneers. "Oh?" 

"I  _never_ told you where they were.  _Never_."

The Child snaps his fingers. Loki drops the weapons and down to his knees, hands covering his face. The Child towers above him, one side of his mouth curling. "You look broken to me."

The whole world narrows to the man a thing my feet. There is nothing to see but Loki, writhing. Nothing to hear but his agony. I forget that there's a Child not three feet in front of him, pulling Loki around to face me, trying to move his hands from his face.

"What? What's--"

He twists in my grasp, shaking violently as the last bits of a new thread force themselves through his lips and knot at the corners. 

"No! No, no, no--" 

Blood trickles down his chin and the skin pulls sickeningly as he howls, arching in my arms, eyes squeezed closed against the pain. The muffled sobs and the chuckling of the Child crash between my ears.

The world expands again. With a sureness I haven't felt since arguing with Tony a few days ago (only a few days ago?!) and a might I've  _never_ experienced, I whirl around and effectively backhand the Child with a golden wall, roaring,

"HE'S. MINE."

For a comical moment, everyone on the roof slows to watch the broad bastard tumble backwards. My arm hangs poised rather heroically in the air as my chest heaves, declaration ringing off the rooftop and into the skyline. We watch the Child skid, the individual particles of dust from the gravel oddly well-defined to my eye.

He rests an elbow casually on his knee, feeling how the tear in his lip has widened slightly. He makes a humming noise as though mildly impressed. Then he looks at me-- _really_ sees me. 

"I wonder...." The Child stands slowly--no reason to be in a hurry to squash a bug--flicking his own blood off his fingers. "You defend him with bravery. The Children always acknowledge commendable traits, even in our foes, and especially in our sacrifices."

"Is that what you call half of all living things?" Steve shouts. " _Sacrifices_?"

The broad Child's head whips around, barking, "Thanos never denied the pain of his actions. But they were  _necessary._ " 

"Evil. Evil is what it was."

The Child takes a massive step towards Steve, but I yank up my palm, bringing him face to face with another wall. He looks back to me, intrigued.

Staring him down, fear momentarily forgotten, I say, "I defend them _all._ "

He smirks, repeating, "Commendable."

Keeping pointed eye contact with me, the Child winds up and throws an almighty punch the wall. But it doesn't move--in fact, his knuckles crush in on themselves. He yowls, falling to a knee again and cradling his hand.

I kneel down to Loki, who tries to twitch away from me.

"Heart--no, stay here. Stay with me."

I don't need to tap into his sight to know those glazed eyes aren't registering me as a source of safety. I drop to my knees as he scrambles back. 

"Loki! Loki, don't--"

Ropes curl, snakelike, around his wrists as a hook rises from the gravel, forcing him into the very position I had to use to free him from the thread in the first place. He screams as he's lifted to his knees and bend backwards over them. 

"Hayden!" Thor roars.

The Child stalks towards me, all humor and curiosity forgotten. His malice is almost a physical force that blasts me back. I tumble backwards, scared beyond measure.

The Child bends over me, monstrous form taking up all my vision. He pins me to the ground effortlessly with the uninjured hand. My back burns with little rocks digging into my skin, but that gets overshadowed by the crunching sound of his broken knuckles as they grind against my throat. The smirk returns as he watches my eyes widen. Beyond my vision, Loki is thrashing and sobbing.

"Hayden." The Child tests it on his damaged lips. "Yes...I remember your name. I remember how it sounded in the stone chambers as he screamed."

I gasp for air, barely getting anything. 

"You should know, before you die, that he loves you."

Suddenly, the sound of Steve screaming in pain. I twitch under the broken hand, mind reeling. 

Pleased with the expression he sees, the Child forestalls my death, picking me up by the throat and turning. I scramble to angle my knees so I'm grounded. Beyond Loki, eyes streaming and breathing heavily, I see Steve, forced into an execution position. His arm is twisted behind him almost to the point of breaking. A Child holds a spear to his head--it's clearly started to dig into his scalp. Thor is on his knees too, but his arms are bound together and forced so high he has to bow to the ground, just as his brother was before him. I can't even see Nat anymore. Where the fuck is she? Where's Bruce? Where's Tony?! 

The other Children stand attentive, eyes on me. My panic becomes a riptide, taking the last of my air.  _What have I done? What have I done?!!_ _I told them I could protect them. I told them I would take care of them. Why did I say that? What was I thinking?_


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super sure if this ended abruptly, but it's not the last chapter before the vignettes, so don't panic. :)

My chest compresses independent of his grip.

"The Children acknowledge strengths, yes." The broad thing slowly suffocating me murmurs. "But we cannot ignore our failures, either."

Failure is just the right word. I failed them.

"Hayden." Thor calls, twisting his shoulders so he can look me in the eye. "You can do this."

_No, I DID this. I didn't get Loki to safety. I distracted the Team._

"Hayden, I saw it before. I saw the extent of your power when you stood in front of me. You think it comes and goes but it doesn't. It is a part of you, and it runs deeper than I realized."

The red fingers clamp tighter around my throat and lift me fully off the ground.

"Today, the grieving Children of Thanos fulfill our oaths to avenge our Master."

 _This is how it ends._ I think as I work my lips uselessly.  _With p_ _romises I couldn't keep._

"Today, we spill the blood of the traitors who unravelled the work our Master gave his life to preserve. We mark these deaths as the beginning of our commitment to fulfill his vision."

"Hayden.  _You_ are what we need." Thor chokes, grunting when a Child shoves his face deeper into the gravel.

The world spirals in on me in a rush. The sound of millions of people living their lives obliviously below Stark Tower. The brilliance and warmth of the sun, like so many other suns suddenly on the path to burn. My friends, full of power and determination, grinding their teeth. Poised to die.

And suddenly this isn't a question of can and can't. It's a question of  _should_ and  _shouldn't_. The Children aren't the ones who should walk away from this rooftop today. 

The power rages within me, welling in my fingertips with a weight and finality that fills me. 

 _These people are innocent and good. And you will NOT take them from me_. 

I throw my fists towards the earth, my actions tumbling before me without my full understanding. Bricks of light rocket up from the ground, upper cutting every Child--including the one holding me. They all stumble back as I crash back to the rooftop. 

"Atta girl." Tony swoops in and hurls the corpse of a Child--now I see it's the one Peter meant to kill--at the broad one.

"Tell me you didn't FUCKING wait until I did that to come back."

"I would never leave you hanging." His mouthpiece flashes. "No pun intended."

"I hate you!"

"I just happened to make it back in time to see the show."

I start running for Loki, still strung up on the hook from nowhere, but I'm broadsided by a Child with something that looks like a double-ended ax that spins in opposing directions. With another swipe of my hand--the power hangs off my fingers like a bracelet now--the damn weapon splits in two. Thor comes up behind and knocks her clear off the roof. Banner comes sailing into view, clamping the shrieking Child in his giant green hand and leaping to the top of a parking lot near by. 

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah--"

"When I say so, I want you to put a long wall there." He points to a swath of empty air above our heads. Then he claps me on the shoulder and jogs off to assist Steve, who's down to two opponents. 

A set of metal cuffs melt onto my hands and around my ankles. I hope nobody notices me fall over in the tangle, but I hope whoever made them notices me slash them off with a simple flash of gold. I look around, trying to figure out which fucking wizard I have to destroy, when I see the broad Child stooping over Loki. Loki is all out screaming as the son of a bitch presses against his sewn lips with his broken knuckles. 

_"I will **murder** them for what they did to you."_

The joints of his other hand have dissolved into shadow, seeping into Loki. As he shrieks and twists on his knees, a light begins to roll down his front like rain water. It startles the Child, then burns him as the droplets trickle over his grey skin. He elicits another scream from Loki as he yanks both hands away. Then he looks back to me.

"Enough." 

"Hayden, NOW." Thor shouts.

I draw a long wall distractedly as I watch the Child moves towards me like a rogue wave. Monstrously smooth and inescapable, ducking the jets of blue light Tony refracts off the golden wall. A few Children are blasted off their feet across the roof. 

"We will have our retribution. We will carry out His vision." The Child tells me. "Who are you to stand in our way?"

"Who do I have to be?!" I shout, anger burning up any fear.

"You have no vision. No ambition. You are not a leader."

I throw up wall after wall as he tries to throw flames and waves of rock at me.

"I never fucking pretended to be."

I draw light around his enormous fists like I'm preserving them in amber and punch mine into the dirt, pinning him in place. 

"And if the only way to be a leader is to be like Thanos, I think that makes me the hero here."

I'm not sure how this conversation is happening with the last of his brethren falling left and right within earshot. It's taking everything in me to keep him here. I can feel the counter pressure on my scratched palms as he tries to yank his hands back up.

"Hero!" The broad Child yells. "You don't have the conviction. You can't make the hard choices required of a hero."

"Well, I'm not sorry." I snarl. "What you call hard choices, I call stupid ones."

"INSOL--"

Thor careens in, hammer breaking the Child's jaw. My arms are on fire with the strain of keeping the brute in place. I don't know if I would be dragged with him somehow if Thor knocked him off the roof but I'm not keen to find out. 

"THAT'S."

BAM.

"FOR."

WHAM.

"MY."

BAM.

**"BROTHER!!!"**

"Hey, you good?"

Nat is suddenly next to me. 

"Jesus Christ, you're live. Thank god." I pant.

"Yeah. Never been better."

"Swell. Is this the last guy?"

"Yeah."

Through gritted teeth, "Signal Thor. I'm gonna let go--have him hit this son of a bitch in the back of the head."

"Got it......ok, GO."

I wrench my arm back and sock him full on in the face as Thor winds up and smashes his skull from the back. There's a wet crack...and the Child falls.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here it is. Maybe a little shorter than normal. Hope you’re all still enjoying it.

The Team—minus Bruce, who is chasing the last two Children in the parking ramp near us (very cat playing with his food)—converges on the Child, gasping weakly on the ground. 

“Are there more of you?” Tony demands.

The thing’s jaw is broken, but he manages to do something similar to smirking. 

“No. Maybe....you’re not....so unlike our Master...after all.” 

“How do you figure?” Steve pants, wiping gritty sweat off his forehead.

Nat’s jaw is set. “Because we wiped out a ‘race.’”

The Child jerks his head in acknowledgement. “At least...Thanos....left half.” 

“Ok, I don’t even have time to go through how inaccurate that comparison is.” Tony snaps.  

I’m about to make a crack—this is the first I’ve ever heard of Tony not having time to talk—when the Child looks at me, light flickering in his eyes.

“I..fixed...him.”

No idea what that means. There’s an evil curl to what remains of his lip. I bring amber-encased fists down on the Child’s head. It caves easily, like paper mache.  _Fix that, you son of a bitch._

“He fixed—“ Steve frowns.

Thor whips around and dashes Loki, then roars.

“WHAT THE HELL?!”

That comes from Tony, now suitless, who makes a sort of gagging sound and staggers. At first I think he's injured, but then I follow his gaze. When I see Loki, I almost black out.

He's  _covered_ in stitches. His clothing, now streaked with red, is stitched  _to his body_. Overlapping, messy, and tangled. Whether in fear, pain, or by sheer inability, Loki hangs motionless on the hook, watching us with widening eyes. His chest barely moves

"Nobody touch him!" I burst out, unable to handle the image of pressure being put on any of the threads. But who was I kidding? We'll have to get him to surgery, right?

Thor, however, appears to agree with me, holding us at bay with one hand. It looks like he can barely hold himself up.

"Loki..." He chokes. His cheeks shine with tears.

Loki jerks ever so slightly, immediately groaning and clenching his eyes, face glistening with sweat.

"It's...it's alright, brother. I will help you."

Steve turns away and buries his face in his hands. Tony appears to be having trouble breathing. 

"Steve," Nat says, "Go get the Big Guy, ok? Help get him settled."

"I--" Steve looks to Loki, who watches each of us in turn, terror-struck. 

"It'll be ok."

 "...Yeah." Steve swallows hard. "Yeah, ok. Who's gonna take care of Fury?"

"Tony and I will."

She gives Tony a look that makes him close his mouth. 

"Tony, go dial him up. I'll be right there." 

"Shouldn't I be prepping the--"

Another twitch and moan from Loki. Tony stops.

"Right. Yeah."

In a sort of bizarre, removed way, I watch Tony stumble away. I feel dizzy.

Natasha murmurs to me. "Look at me.  _Hayden_. Can you handle this?"

My lips open, trembling, then close. My head swims.

"He needs a doctor." I say faintly, swaying on the spot. 

"He can't handle a doctor or a hospital. You have to take care of this right now."

"I can't."

She jerks me by the elbow to get my attention. I break eye contact with Loki, stunned by the hard look she's giving me. "Don't panic. You can do this."

There's a bruise on my temple from when I smashed it on the toilet in my apartment. My cheek aches where Loki punched me. My side aches from where Loki cut me. My shoulders and ribs hurt from being the pillar he clung to--my hand from defending myself against his flashback. My elbow hurts from being jammed into the shower door. My throat and back burn from being manhandled by the Child. I'm underslept, underfed, and out of energy. 

"I'm a mess." I murmur. 

"We all are. It wasn't an easy fight."

Loki dangles before me, doing everything in his power not to move, even to breathe. Every injury throbs as real pain comes to the surface. I assured him time and time again.

"I promised I would protect him."

"You did. He’s alive. That’s all we could have asked for.”

_This isn’t what I promised him._

“Thor can't fix this alone. They both need you." 

Suddenly Thor takes up my vision. His eyes are streaming. His voice is weak. "Please. Help him." 

"I--"

" _He needs you now_. You can do this.”

He takes me by the shoulders, studying me, and then cradles my face. 

“Youcan do this. He needs your power now. No one else’s.”

Then he envelops me in a tight hug and kisses the top of my head. It’s suddenly clear why Loki never quite gave up on being close with Thor. For this glorious moment, the burden is gone and I’m just a little kid, sheltered in his grasp.

When we pull away, my head is clear. All the pains throb dully in the background. And when I turn to look at Loki, I forget everything altogether. The corpses around me, the fact that I’ve eaten barely two meals in three days. That’s all gone. 

It’s just him and me. 

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay. The urge to write comes and goes in waves. Which means another chapter should follow shortly. Hope this one isn’t too brief for you guys. <3

I feel Nat leaving behind me. Now Thor and I are shoulder to shoulder. His shake slightly. 

 

Loki gasps at us, shaking his head.

 

“We carry him to the medical suite.” Thor says, quiet, so only I can hear.

 

“He’ll panic if he sees anything like a medical table.”

 

“What, then?”

 

“Our room. Bathroom floor.”

 

“Alright.”

 

Loki whimpers, wide-eyed, as we move in.

 

“I would not hurt you, Loki.” Thor murmurs, making a half-motion to touch his cheek.

 

Loki shies away, barely able to move an inch. His state of mind is hard to read, even as I feel it pressing against me. Not a flashback. No thought at all. Just primal fear, empty but unyielding.

 

The rope suspending him was replaced by thread—skin sewn together from his wrists to his elbows and looped over the hook. I have no idea where to touch him. Anything I do will make it worse. 

 

So I focus on swallowing back vomit as Thor gingerly lifts Loki into his arms. The noise Loki makes as he all-out screams behind the sutures physically prevents my lungs from expanding. 

 

“Hayden,” Thor chokes, holding tight to Loki, who arches in his arms. “In my quarters you will find a satchel. Get my liquor. It will serve as a small anesthetic.”

 

“He...he has to be able to open his mouth for that.”

 

“Aye.”

 

The memory of me cutting his lips free makes my knees weak. But maybe it’ll be easier on him with the gold light. 

 

I stumble ahead, bringing the few things Thor has here to the bedroom, then clumsily sift through them. There’s copper flask that’s surprisingly heavy for its size. I hope that’s because there’s a ton of liquor stored in there bag of holding style. But the weight of it brings me back fully to the ground. I will fix this.

 

Thor rushes in.

 

“He can barely breathe! Hayden—“

 

“Ok, ok. It’s gonna be ok. Just put him down flat on the tile.”

 

The more Loki struggles to breathe, the more panicked he becomes. I see, as Thor brings him to the floor, why. The Child sewed his nose almost completely shut. 

 

“Stop, stop.” I say, remarkably calm given that I feel like I can’t breathe either. “Be still. Shhhh.”

 

No preamble. Cradling the back of his head in my hand, I touch the sutures delicately with just a hint of gold on the tips of my fingers. Immediately, his chest begins expanding more deeply. Biting my tongue against nausea, I pull the severed threads out, clearing the airway fully.

 

Loki shrieks, shaking his head frantically and trying to twist away from me. Thor vaults one leg over his body, trapping Loki’s legs together and holding his arms down against his chest.

 

“Brother! Please! Please be still...”

 

The blood from the thread bubbles as Loki struggles to breathe through it.

 

" _Help him!_ "

 

Loki twitches in fright, then groans, tears mingling with blood. I kneel over him and hold his head still. 

 

“Shhhh, shhhh. Loki, shhhh. Look at me. I got you.”

 

Before he can process it, I brush my fingers against his lips. His scream becomes clear, and grows louder as he snaps a few more threads in his struggle against us. I cling to the bright side—I can see that was indeed easier for him than the first time.

 

"HAYDEN!!!” Loki yells, shutting his eyes tight. I can’t quite tell if he’s yelling at me to stop or to help him.

 

“I’m here.”

 

“HAYDEEEEN!”

 

I try and bring a sense of calm from within myself—something to give to him—but nothing rises to meet me.

 

“ _Of all the money I e’er spent....I spent it in good company..._ ”

 

The Parting Glass....a song he heard me singing to myself once. He told me it reminded him of an Agardian lullaby.

 

Loki moans and whimpers; squeezing his eyes against a river of tears. Thor pets his hair so, so lightly.

 

" _And all the harm I e'er done...Alas, it was to none but me_."

 

Loki’s breath catches. He moans to me, trembling beneath us.

 

"I know. I’ve got you now.”

 

Does it suck more to have him not know who I am or what I'll do...or for him to know I'm here but desperately not want me to do what I have to?

 

" _And all I've done for want of wit...to memory now, I can't recall. So fill to me the parting glass...good night and joy be to you all."_

 

_“_ That is beautiful. _”_ Thor murmurs _._

Loki flinches again, then pushes his sewn forearms desperately against Thor. We refocus our efforts to keep him still. I cover his eyes and whisper-sing into his ear,

 

_“Of all the comrades that e’er I had...they’re sorry for my going away....and all the sweethearts that e’er I had, they’d wish me one more day to stay.”_

 

Loki sobs beneath us, but he stops twisting.

 

“I’m here. I’m right here.”

 

“The drink.” Thor prompts gruffly.

 

“Shhh, stop, stop.” I whisper as Loki predictably flinches. “He means something to help with the pain.”

 

I angle his head slightly so he can drink. He pants but seems to be on board. That’s something.

 

“Wine, from Asgard.” Thor croaks. “As we drank after our victories.”

 

Thor gingerly tips the flask in his mouth, clearly trying to avoid loose threads. Loki drinks tentatively, gasping against the metal tip.

 

“You will feel better soon, brother. This will help.”

 

We rest his head back after a few more sips. His breaths are ragged and shallow, but he lays still. I think about telling him he’s finally safe. That they’re all gone, permanently. But I don’t say anything. I cradle his head and hope the wine numbs him completely.

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, hope everyone continues to enjoy the story. I think I'm giving up on the vignette idea--I think I know where I want to go with actual plot. That being said, I might be giving NaNoWriMo a shot, so if I drop off for the month of November, I promise I'll be back. :)

We let him collect himself. Let the wine do its job.  Thor and I exchange a worried look. This will take hours. And if we have to stop every minute and a half to let Loki calm down, we’ll be here all night. With Loki in agony for every second of it.

 

“ _I fixed him.”_

 

A terrible rush of energy floods me, straining my skin from head to toe. For a wild moment, I consider trying to use it to cut all the threads at once. Then we only have to pull them out. Or maybe they would simply dissolve in the light.

 

But I barely know what I’m doing as it is. If I let all this energy go I’m just as likely dismember him than help. Or succeed and put him in unbearable pain.

 

Another surge of rage--this time from feeling so helpless--makes it feel suddenly as though I’m holding a bowling ball by the very tips of my fingers. I look to Thor, desperate for help but afraid to open my mouth.

 

He catches my eye, both surprised and enraptured at once. He looks into me for a moment. Then (the last thing I expected), he smiles gently.

 

“You are every bit the woman Loki saw that night.”

 

I blink. And again. The weight dissipates from my palms.

 

Thor reaches out and touches my cheek with one finger. When he draws it away, I’m surprised to see it shining.

 

“You can do this.” He murmurs. “We can do this.”

 

I nod once. Then we look back to Loki, breathing shallowly again.

 

“Loki—“ Thor starts.

 

Loki jumps and looks around wildly.

 

“Loki, would you prefer if...if I helped you sleep?”

 

Loki shakes his head hard, whimpering as quietly as he can as the skin of his neck stretches the thread. Thor actually chokes.

 

“Brother, the wine...can only do so much.”

 

Loki refuses. That’s twice now he’s been too afraid to sleep, even to avoid pain. I wonder if that means something.

 

“I’m sorry, Thor.” Loki bursts out. “Sorry for—for everything. Please—“

 

Loki flinches back as Thor tries to stroke his cheek. “Please d-don’t do this.”

 

“Loki, you are in pain. I onl—“

 

“I promise I will—I’ll never—never again—“

 

“Loki, it is not meant as punishment.”

 

“I will be good!”

 

“You  _are_  good, brother.”

 

“I will apologize to Father!” He says frantically. “I will make it right—just—please—please let me go!”

 

I realize I feel something at the edge of my mind. I mentally draw away from it, but then curiosity takes over. It’s hard to explain. Sort of like opening thought you’ve been stuffing at the back of your mind. But it’s tactile. Within my head, I can make the choice to physically draw closer to it.

 

My eyes unfocus as I “dip a toe” into the thing. It’s like...slimy fog. Instantly I’m looking through Loki’s eyes.

 

You know how in dreams things can appear one way but you know it’s not what it appears? You see your mom, but she’s not actually your mom anymore, she’s your high school teacher or whatever? Loki sees us, but it’s most definitely not us. As I watch myself stare into the distance, turning into shadow, Thor looks back down to me-actually-Loki. His hand wraps around Loki’s throat, strumming the threads. “Thor’s” lip curls and begins to tear. Loki’s blood drips down his chin.

 

“HAYDEN! HAAAAYDEEEEEN!!” I feel his lips moving as though they were mine.

 

I inhale sharply, jarred back into myself as he shrieks my name again.

 

“Brother—Loki! What is it?” Thor pleads, using all his weight to keep Loki still. “You have to stop moving, _please_!” 

 

I take ahold of his head and hold it gentle and firm. He flinches as the salt from his tears makes a stinging trail down to his neck.

 

We have to get him to sleep. No one could be expected to last through this. Should Thor knock him out? What if one hit doesn’t work? I don’t think I can stomach trying to hold Loki still so Thor can—-nope, I can’t even finish the thought. 

 

What I wouldn’t give for Mantis to be here. I met her, like, twice, but I did hear about how she puts people to sleep. I wish I could do that.

 

...Could I? 

 

“Hayden?”

 

“Huh?!”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Uh...I saw what he sees. But I have an idea. Maybe. It might not work.”

 

“Aye?”

 

”To get him to sleep.”

 

“P-p-ple-please!” Loki begs, then howls in pain as a row of stitches on his arm break. He starts sobbing.

 

To make him sleep, I have to feel sleepy, right? How the  _fuck_  am I supposed to pull that off?

 

_First thing’s first. Calm him down_.

 

I gesture to the wine, swallowing back tears myself. Maybe if he drinks it all he’ll sleep easier or deeper or something. He thrashes as Thor picks the flask up. I dip back into the fog. Now “Thor” is holding...what are those, pliers?!

 

"Wait!"

 

I wrench out of the vision and instinctively cover his eyes. Loki’s mouth is clenched shut. He tries to turn his head away—I let him.

 

“Sorry. I was wrong. He's too scared.” I whisper as quiet as humanly possible. "Can you...can you braid hair?"

 

Incongruously, another smile blinks across his lips. “When we were children, we would take turns braiding our mother’s hair.”

 

“Could you do his, please?”

 

Thor nods, and retrieves a hairband from beside the bed.

 

“It’s alright. It’s alright now.” I soothe as Loki twists away, feeling Thor return. “No one will hurt you.”

 

Thor takes up the black hair, carding through it gingerly. Loki whimpers, but quiets some when Thor speaks to him in low tones. He begins separating it into ribbons. I wish we could brush it. I know how comforting that is. But his hair is too full of blood, tears, and sweat. The brush would catch and the pain would frighten and confuse him.

 

“I am here for you, brother. I will always come for you.” Thor repeats as he begins threading the hair together. Loki breathes out shakily, but doesn't fight. He allows me to keep his eyes covered.

 

As the stillness goes on, I feel more calm. More confident I can guide Loki to sleep. Maybe. Thor winds a braid over Loki’s shoulder and ties it off. Loki’s breathing has become a little deeper and more even.

 

“Ok. I think...we should try more...” I nod at the flask, “And then maybe I can calm him down and...uh...give him sleep?”

 

Is that how you’d phrase it?

 

“Like Mantis does, I mean.”

 

“That might work!” Thor says with more enthusiasm than I was hoping for. Blind faith doesn’t equate to competence.

 

I take another look at Loki’s "vision"—the dark frightens him, but less than the hallucinations. He knows it’s us, sort of, but doesn’t know what we’re doing. Or where we are. He's edgy, but not out of his mind with terror.

 

So I keep his eyes covered. Thor cradles his brother’s head, but Loki jerks his head away at the feel of the flask, whimpering.

 

_God damn it._

 

Thor croaks, “This will help, Loki. I promise you.”

 

He tries again, but Loki pulls in his lips despite the pain it causes him, whining. If only I could take him in my arms (I don't dare). I bend down so he can feel my breath on his cheek. 

 

“Shhh, husssssh. It’s a drink. It’s just a drink.”

 

We wait. Loki slowly relaxes his mouth. I take the flask from Thor so he can concentrate on gingerly holding Loki’s head up. With my free hand I rest it lightly against his lower lip.

 

“It’s the mouthpiece. It won’t hurt.”

 

I leave it there, letting him get used to the feel. Showing him I won’t force him. When he parts his lips a fraction, I wait a beat before letting some trickle in.

 

After a little sip he jerks his mouth away, making a frightened noise. Thor strokes his hair, murmuring something I don’t understand—must be Asgardian dialect or something.

 

Whatever he said, Loki calls weakly, “H-Hayden?” 

 

“I’m here.”

 

“I...it hurts.” He moans. “I want to go home. I want to be back in your bed.” He chokes on more tears, pleading, “I don’t want to be alone...please....please don’t leave me here.”

 

I uncover his eyes carefully and lay my head against his. He pants, so terribly frightened.

 

“I won’t leave you here. I’m with you now and I will stay with you as long as you want.”

 

“Make it..stop.”

 

“I will. I’ll make it stop.” When Thor nods at my glance towards the flask, I continue, “I need you to drink some more.”

 

He unclenches his jaw again nervously. When I raise the flask, he eyes me warily.

 

"I won't force you, Heart." I murmur. "It will take some of the pain away."

 

"It's from home, brother."

 

Finally, Loki takes a long drink, then several more with Thor's encouragement. 

 

This is as good as I’m getting. I have to help him through the rest. 

 

"Good. Now close your eyes."

 

Again, he looks leery.

 

"Rest, brother."

 

I shift, lying down alongside him. "With all that I am, I promise I won't leave you."

 

Loki closes his eyes slowly as I finger his braid. Shining tendrils trickle from my fingers, snaking up to his scalp.  _I'm right here with you. I won't leave your side._  He sighs in relief. The calmer he becomes, the easier it is for me to carry him further.  _That’s it. Everything will be alright. I’ve got you._

 

Then, praying he’ll forgive me, I begin to reach into the well of my exhaustion. For a beat, I forget it pass it along. I’m just consumed with the idea of curling up on the tile and passing out. Then I feel Thor shift and remember.

 

_Sleep here with me._ As the gold sinks into him, he whimpers again. “Hayden—Hay—“

 

“I’m here.”

 

“Please don’t. Please—“ He twists beside me nervously. “I can’t—“

 

We open our eyes, his brimming again. I touch his forehead with mine.  

 

“ _Trust me._ ” I murmur.

 

He chokes back protests, lips trembling. I focus on infusing a sense of peace. Security. But instead of passing from my hands, it floats between us from what looks like my eyes. Like a little dust cloud. I pray to god it looks less weird than I imagine.

 

Loki’s eyes widen slightly. This time, my name sounds like an answered prayer on his tongue. And then his eyes close almost willingly when I give him the feeling of drowsiness again.

 

“I’m here. I will stay here. I promise you.” I whisper just before he gives in completely to our exhaustion. 

 

After a minute or two of slow breathing, Thor says, “That was well done.”

 

“I don’t know if I have to keep this up like Mantis does or if he’s just out now.”

 

“No matter.” He withdraws a small blade and stares at it, revolted. “I will begin the process.”

 

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is pure fluff/comfort, mostly between Hayden and Thor. Hope it reads ok! Consider this the sort of transition chapter. Not saying more plot won’t follow, but we’ve come to the conclusion of the (first?) main story arch. Now we get to do some more healing, I think.

It took hours. Hours and hours. I sat there, focusing on my own exhaustion, unable to give into it. Thor didn’t even try to hold back his tears as he worked.

 

Sometimes, if I became too distracted by his pain, Loki would whimper or twitch in his sleep. Inevitably, my heart would stop, and I’d have to coach myself into breathing slow and deep so I could give him sleep. Keep him under.

 

When Thor pulls the final thead out, we watch it drop onto the pile together. We could literally make a new twine ball. 

 

“I would murder him again. Once was not enough.”

 

I nod. I’m so tired I don’t know what I want anymore—sleep? Food? Pain killers? To check the flask for more wine? But yeah, killing the Child another dozen times? I’m up for that.

 

I remove my hands from Loki, finally allowing the gold to flicker away.

 

“You should get some rest.”

 

I shake my head. “I think we should bring him home. My home, I mean. My apartment.” 

 

I rub my face hard, then notice Thor looking bereft. “Oh god, what? What’s wrong?”

 

“Should we not stay close to the medical supplies?”

 

“Let’s bring some with.”

 

“And..the Team?”

 

“I...honestly I think we both need the space. People walking in to drop bad news...or any news. I just want to know where everything is again, you know? They can stop in any time they want though.”

 

“Very well...I will help you bring him, then.”

 

Again, the pain. What the fuck? 

 

“Yeah, ok...that sounds good. Great, I mean. Thank you.”

 

The way Thor looks down at his brother...My brain feels like it’s trying to roll through molasses. What am I missing?

 

“Thor? What’s wrong?”

 

“...Nothing. I am...well. Well enough.”

 

_Liar_. Thor strokes Loki’s braid, more tears falling. Maybe he just hurts for Loki. 

 

......

 

Natasha drives us home, handing me the small case of supplies Tony packed for us. Thor cradles Loki in his giant arms and tucks Loki’s head against his chest. Again, heartbreakingly, adorably sweet, despite the circumstances.

 

I direct Thor to my bedroom and collect water bottles. I’m barely able to keep track of the list of things I want to grab—replacement clothes and towels, and...I swear there was more. 

 

Stumbling into the bedroom, I find Thor looking out the window, still holding Loki, seemingly unable to put him down.

 

“Thor? The...um...do you want to put him down? On the bed, I mean?”

 

“No.”

 

“I don’t give a flying fuck about the sheets, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

His outline shivers. I try—really try—to get my brain to splutter into gear. “Thor, talk to me.”

 

“Another moment with him, Hayden. That’s all I ask.”

 

“Uh...” I rub my eyes again. “Yeah, sure. But you can have that moment on the bed if you want.”

 

Thor turns reluctantly, padding past me and sitting on the very edge of the bed, gathering his brother even closer in his arms and kissing his damaged cheeks.

 

Carefully, I sit next to him and touch his shoulder. “Talk to me.”

 

“I want to watch over him.”

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“He begged us not to leave him.”

 

“I know. Thor, I’m really really tired—“

 

“Just another moment, please!” Thor’s voice cracks.

 

Taking a chance, I reach up and cup his cheek. He resists my pull at first.

 

“I need you to talk to me. I don’t understand what’s upsetting you.”

 

Now a little anger leaks through as he makes eye contact. “I don’t want to leave him.”

 

“Yeah, I get that...” _Ask another way_. “What do you need?”

 

“Loki needs me!”

 

“Yeah, he does. But what do  _you_ need?”

 

“I want to stay here with him!”

 

_Click_. Oooh.

 

“Oh, god, Thor. I—I wasn’t clear. I’m so sorry. I meant for you to stay with me! I want you here.”

 

He looks dumbstruck. 

 

“Yeah—Did you think I wanted you to leave?”

 

“You said you both needed to be away. From the Team.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I did. I didn’t mean you though.”

 

He frowns. Obviously we’re both too compromised to understand each other quickly.

 

“Sorry, you _are_ part of the Team. But this...” I gesture to the three of us, “is a new Team. I need this Team.”

 

He covers his face with one hand, the other clutching Loki. “I apologize. The last many hours...were worse than any battle I’ve ever fought. Worse than taking the light of the dying star.”

 

“I understand.”

 

“I did not wish to impose—“

 

“I know.”

 

“You are everything to him. I owe the woman who saved my brother’s life...twice....anything she wishes. No matter my desires.”

 

“Well that’s just a lie.”

 

“Pardon?” He twitches like I startled him. 

 

“You don’t owe me a thing.”

 

“You saved him. I—“

 

Suddenly, I know where this is going. I mean, we’ve been here before. 

 

“Stop.” I say quietly. “What you’re feeling...you’re really tired. You worked really hard.”

 

I stand up again. “Listen. Take this—“ I hand him a bottle of water. “I’ll be right back.”

 

By the time I get back with a damp wash clothe, the bottle is drained. It gets tossed aside as wipe his face gently, lovingly.

 

“I hear you.” I whisper. “I do. It’s just that feels like...inadequacy or guilt...they get warped, you know? When you’re tired. And you’re his brother—of course you can stay here if you want to. As long as you want.”

 

Thor doesn’t argue, but I swipe away a few fresh tears. 

 

“Sleep with him.” I reach around him and pull the covers back.

 

“The bed will hold us all.”

 

Hadn’t actually thought too much about it in one direction or the other, to be honest.

 

“Uh..yeah. If you’re ok with it, sure.”

 

“These are your quarters. You should rest here.”

 

“Ok.”

 

Thor shifts to the other side of the bed, a mercifully still sleeping Loki in tow. Thor removes his shirt, crusty with Loki’s blood, sweat, and tears. I follow suit, too friggin tired to give a shit about him seeing me in a bra.

 

Thor nestles Loki between us, his torn back to Thor’s chest and his punctured face just an inch from mine. He sighs in his sleep. Like he can feel the protection without any assistance.

 

Thor reaches over him to push my hair back. “You will sleep?”

 

I snort softly. “If you promise you will too.”

 

“Aye.”

 

I kiss his palm. “Yeah. Sleep well, ok?”

 

“Aye. You as well, Lady Hayden.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas/Kwanza, Happy (late) Hanukkah, Happy New Year, etc! I don't care enough about the weird spacing to fix it #alittlesorry

I sleep for 12 hours. When I finally have enough energy to move, I creep out of the bedroom as the brothers sleep on. More power=more exhaustion I guess.

 

I get tea and step outside to collect mail, only to find Nat sitting on the porch railing, watching strangers pass by below.

 

“Good morning.”

 

“Afternoon.” I hug her, careful even though I’m pretty sure she’d land like a cat if I accidentally pushed her. “You ok?”

 

“Never better.” She gives me a genuine smile. “How about you, now that your secret is out?”

 

“Which one? Loki and I or—”

 

“Everyone else knew about you two before you two did.”

 

“Shut up!?”

 

“They may be boys, but they’re not completely oblivious.”

 

“So Steve noticed, you confirmed, and you guys told everyone else.”

 

Smirk. “Mostly Banner and Tony. Clint’s eyes work on more than targets.”

 

Now I remember Tony talking about the horizontal monster mash. Leave it to him to act like he’d known before everyone else.

 

“What do you think will happen?”

 

“With the Team?”

 

“Yeah. Am I...on it now?” I feel so stupid. Like I’m trying to volunteer myself.  _Let me be one of the cool kids, pretty lease with a cherry on top?_ As if I’manything close to superhero material.

 

“You’ve always been a part of the Team.”

 

“You know what I mean.” I climb up and lean against the opposite post, everything creaking inside me. Ow.

 

“I mean it. You bring stability.”

 

“Meaning I’m the normal one.” Except now I’m not.

 

“You’re the wise one.” She corrects. “The rest of us have that classic ‘tragic hero’ complex. We’re so mired in our past and our fears we—and especially Tony—can be too caught up in them to act rationally.”

 

“You’ve always been able to pull yourself up when you need to. Get to work, so to speak.”

 

“But I can’t always be what people—especially Tony—need to get  _them_  to get to work. I can’t think outside of myself quite like you do.”

 

I don’t know what this means and also it’s like a thousand degrees on my side of the railing all of a sudden, so, “But what does it mean for me now...everyone knowing the rest of it.”

 

“What do you want it to mean?”

 

Nothing. I want it to mean nothing. “I’m not a soldier.”

 

“Most of us aren’t.”

 

“More than half of you are. You, Clint, Thor, and Steve are tailor-made to save the world.”

 

“And we would be lost without Bruce and Tony and Loki and you.”

 

But I don’t want to fight. “I just defended what I love, Nat.”

 

“What do you think I’m doing?” 

 

My heart rate spikes. This time I know immediately it’s not mine. I jump up, Nat following suit.

 

“Loki.” She says for me.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The moment the door opens, his cries come flooding out. Jesus—Tony was serious about the soundproofing. We rush into the bedroom.

 

“It’s alright. It’s alright, Loki.”  Thor cradles his brother, swaying slightly. Loki’s head is buried in Thor’s neck, partially obscured by his golden hair.

 

“Natasha.” Thor hugs Loki a little tighter. “Is something the matter?”

 

Loki goes completely still.

 

“Hussssssh.” I whisper, climbing up and sandwiching him from behind. 

 

“No, no. I’m just watching out for them.”

 

“Watching out for what?” Thor rumbles.

 

Loki twists away in Thor's arms, whimpering, burying his nose in my hair now. I wrap him up tight in my arms.

 

“It’s just habit.” Nat says, twisting the doorknob absent-mindedly.

 

Thor checks her over but lets it drop. 

 

“Do you want to shower?” I whisper in Loki’s ear. He presses against my neck. “Yeah. Come on.”

 

Nat. “Thor, want me to make you some breakfast?”

 

“Aye. Hayden, I trust you have at least a carton of eggs?”

 

Uh...maybe? Nat winks at me. "We'll figure something out."

 

#Natsagoodbro. I mouth  _thank you_  as Loki and I limp down the hall. He leans against the wall while I fidget with the shower. Then I pluck the glass off the counter.

 

“I want you to drink something while I get the water warm.”  

 

I help him grip it. He winces as it presses against his red and purple lips, but drinks. He looks worn out already. I put a towel at the bottom of the shower--any cushioning will help, I hope--and help him sit on it. I make the cushion between him and the wall and help him slowly peel off his clothes.

 

“You can cover up if you want.” I say, handing him another towel. 

 

He regards it, hand dropping to his thigh as it becomes wet and heavy. I think he tries to discard it,  but his fingers tighten reflexively and he covers himself from hips to knees.

He leans his back against me, too tired to hold himself up. “I am sorry.”

 

“You’re alright, Heart.” I murmur. “Everything is alright.”

 

“I do not know...how to come back.” His body shivers in a silent sob.

 

From behind I shift him so he can cuddle into me. 

 

“How do I come back? How...” Another shake.

 

I move around him, making no comment as he grabs my arm, fearing that I’ll step out. The lyric “ _Where do we go from here?_ ” from Buffy repeats in my head.

 

I wipe his free arm with a soapy cloth, looking him in the eye. “We go slow. Maybe you tell me a little bit of what happened. You process. You tell me a little more when you’re ready. And we work on getting you healed and strong again. Piece by piece, like anything else.”

 

His lips tremble.

 

“Or maybe you want to talk to Thor inst—“

 

Loki shakes his head. “It’s not that.”

 

“Ok.”

 

His arms are clean—bruised, punctured, inflamed, but clean. 

 

“I want what we began all those weeks ago.”

 

The water dripping from his black hair looks like a steady stream of tears. I stop reaching behind me for shampoo.

 

“But I cannot imagine...” Loki looks down at the clothe. 

 

_I cannot imagine being vulnerable again._

 

“Piece by piece.” I repeat.

 

His green eyes shine. “It seems a lifetime ago. And recovery, a lifetime away.”

 

I nod, kneeling up to block the water so I can scrub his scalp. “It seems that way. It won’t be.”

 

There’s a knock at the door. Loki jumps a foot high and grips me by the waist.

 

“My apologies,” Thor’s voice comes from the door. “We are going to the corner store for more eggs. Would you like bacon, Hayden?”

 

Loki's breath against my chest is short and fast. I call, “Sure. Grab some cheese too, please? For the eggs?”

 

“I shall have a feast prepared once you are ready.”

 

“Thanks, Thor.”

 

I “watch” him walking away, then realize my hip bones are on fire. I look down to see Loki’s fingers gripping me so tight they’ve all but sunk below the skin. His eyes are clenched shut.

 

Keeping my voice commendably level, “I’m here, Loki.”

 

He nods, fingers pressing into me a little harder. I open my mouth in a silent scream, since he can’t see. Then I go back to lathering his long hair. Slowly, with every little circle I make with my nail, his fingers loosen.

 

“Tell me how it started.” I say once it’s just palms and fingertips. “Where were you?”

 

“I...do not recall.” He says, but his fingers begin to bow.

 

I think he does. I think it just scares him to talk about it.

 

“Ok.” I say instead. “Would you rather not try and remember it right now?”

 

Silence, but he’s trembling again. I pull him against me, using the same cup as last time to make waterfalls in the suds. For awhile it's just the sound of his slowing breath and the splash of water down his back.

 

“I was plucked from the Bifrost.” He tells my belly, snaking his arms tighter around me. “It shattered around my body. I was squeezed through the fabric of space itself.”

 

I rub gently down his spine, clearing more blue and swollen skin. “That sounds terrifying.”

 

“They left me suffocating in the black. I thought I would die, crushed Between...the loud emptiness between universes. But then I was wrenched into their bubble. On to a planet I’ve never known.”

 

I can’t breathe, both from sympathy and because my lungs physically can’t expand between his arms.

 

“It...was excruciating.” 

 

I can appreciate how startling it would be. A god, for all intents and purposes, forced off his path and through conditions no living thing was made to survive. How startling to be thrown into that agony, no warning or explanation.

 

“I had not known such pain. I had never known such a place.”

 

His arms give out—thank Christ. 

 

“I was...I was so...far. From my home. My brother. The graves of my father and mother.” He chokes. “Behind a wall I had no hope of crossing—the threads of the universe themselves had sewn me out.”

 

He pulls away, touching the very tips of my cheeks as tears mix with the last of the shampoo dripping out of his hair. "I was a whole universe away from you." He sucks in a breath. "It hurt...so very much."

 

"I am so sorry." I touch his cheeks in turn. "I wish I had figured out you were in trouble. I just...assumed you changed your mind."

 

He frowns, confused. 

 

"I hadn't seen you since...that night. I thought you just..." I shift, water sloshing at my knees. "Didn't want to see me again."

 

"Oh, Hayden." He breathes. "That night...kept me alive."

 

My heart grows seventeen sizes. 

 

"I'm so sorry." We hug. "I just...it made sense."

 

He traces the line of my neck, rubs his closed lips over my shoulder. Absorbing me. 

 

"I don't even know how I got you back. I'm just glad I did." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm giving Thor way more emotional prescience than he's capable of, but I'm either going with 'But this is too sweet to pass up.' or 'He's become a lot more wise since Thor 1 com'maaaaaan.'
> 
> Or I'm going to edit this furiously. We'll see. 
> 
> I'm sure this will require more editing but it's that magic time. Merry Christmas!

Thor and I coax cheesy eggs, bacon, and milk into him before tucking him into bed. He’s out as soon as Thor is positioned at his back. Thor rests an arm around his brother while I thumb his damp locks.

 

“He said they pulled him from this universe to...another planet in another universe I guess.”

 

Thor nods, swallowing hard. I rest my palm on the back of his hand.

 

“How did I get him back, Thor?”

 

His hand replaces mine in Loki’s hair. Loki sighs in his sleep, almost smiling.

 

“I’ve been trying to work it out...the only thing I know is I was thinking a lot about him that day. I’d been trying not to...But that probably has nothing to—”

 

“I suspect that had everything to do with it.”

 

My breath catches.

 

“I would wager the two of you were thinking of each other at precisely the same moment. It opened a connection and he was...beaned to you.”

 

“Beaned?”

 

“Aye, ‘bean me up, Scotty,’ I believe you say?”

 

“Oh. Beam. ‘Beam me up.’”

 

“Yes...that would make more sense.”

 

I giggle, biting my wrist to keep from waking Loki. Thor’s return smile is charming. Then it occurs to me--

 

My eyes and nose sting. I bite my lip, trying to ground out the emotions. “So...my avoiding thinking about him...hurt him? If I had just been free reign obsessing...” 

 

“No, Lady. I said you must think of each other at the same time. There would have been a great deal of fear--" Tears spring in his eyes. "And pain. To such a degree that he could not hold on to thoughts or names or even mental images."

 

My stomach has become a black hole, my ribs torn open. It's not as though I hadn't known he suffered...but...to  _that_ degree  _the whole time_?

 

"So while you were trying to repress thoughts of him, he was unable to hold on to thoughts of you."

 

I forget the point he's trying to make over the howling of my horror.

 

“I imagine it required a certain poignant longing of both parties. Not just desperation, nor fright, but a...magnetism. The feeling one experiences when one returns home after a considerable time away. Or when your friend becomes your reflection. ” 

 

He leans back, away from Loki, to look into the dark corners of the room. I'm not sure I follow exactly the emotion he means. In the beginning I was feeling giddy, thinking of when I'd see him next. I had anticipated our next meeting, the way his eyes would touch mine, how he'd turn his body when I entered a room he was in. Then around week three, I started wondering if something was wrong. By five I couldn't decide if I should be worried for his safety or embarrassed that I had thought he would really like me. And by the end of week six I was trying to pretend I didn't care more with each passing day that there was probably some amazing Valkyrie girl making him smile the way he did when he thought--or...I thought he thought...--I was clever.

 

“It would be such a precise lock and key...that feeling of recognizing one's self in another. One who was not calm of heart would not likely experience that sensation."

 

_Oh._

 

Like a strip of fire through rain, a feeling of  _pride_ ripped through me. Loki had felt that...intimate...with  _me_? A different kind of tear falls among the others.

 

"You are lucky it happened at all...not reprehensible for failing to bring it about sooner."

 

My throat constricts. "Thanks, Thor."

 

He wipes a tear away, his hand casting a dull shadow over my eyes. 

 

“I suppose we could test it. See if your theory holds up." 

 

“Indeed, we should.” He catches my eye. “It would be useful in battle.”

 

“Thor, I have zero intention of being in another battle.”

 

“As would I. Our intentions, however, will not affect our destiny.”

 

I’m pretty sure intentions are the ONLY thing that will affect my destiny. Liiiiiike my intention to run away next time. But then I realize...I couldn’t do that. I mean, I was specifically told to run back in the tower. Here we are.

 

“I don’t want to be a fighter.” I say, mostly to myself. “That's...a really horrifying thing."

 

“We would not force you.”

 

But I know how I’d feel. Like I was leaving them defenseless. I mean, that’s hilarious, but that’s how it’d feel. I don't think there's a shield (or "shield") stronger than mine.

 

“But I'd go.” I rub my eyes, irritated, suddenly. Like I'd volunteered myself before thinking it through. 

 

“Aye, I think you would.” 

 

“It’s scary as fuck.”

 

“You are brave. And powerful. I think, if we trained you, your odds of survival would be great.”

 

An adrenaline thrill. “Do you get scared?”

 

“Sometimes. Of course. But it does not keep me from acting.”

 

“It kept me.”

 

“No, doubt kept you. And you overcame it.”

 

“Thanks to you.”

 

His eyes are so soft, empathetic, in that moment. “That is what a team is for.”

 

Oh man. “So I’m already on it?”

 

“You have been from the moment we met you.”

 

Ok, everyone sees me differently than I do. I mean, we’ll established fact, but...yeah, ALL of them are on the same page except me. 

 

Loki begins to shake in his sleep. Thor rests his enormous palm across Loki’s chest and presses, drawing him close once more. Loki quiets.

 

“I travelled far in search of him. Along the way, my mind was opened to various abilities I had never before considered. And there’s an aura about you. My brother brought a taste of it back with him, in fact.”

 

I don’t know what that means, precisely, but I nod along.

 

“Perhaps there is more to it than all that. An alignment of planets or somesuch. But I do not think so. I think the self-aware consciousness of any living being is a powerful thing. If two minds of a similar nature have the same thought...”

 

_The same wavelength._

 

Yep. We’ll have to test it. Probably in a lab. Fuck my life. Because I'm confident he's got it right now. And if I know I have a surefire way to protect my heart...a heart that gets into more than the occasional skirmish...how could I not act? How could I run?

 

_Alright, kid. You're an Avenger now._


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I’m sure the spacing is going to be weird, but I’m at work on my phone so it’ll have to do until I get in the right mood to fix it.
> 
> Second, I promise another chapter is coming shortly. It sucks just as much for me to leave them unhappy!

"LEAVE ME BE." Loki shouts. "I DO NOT REQUIRE YOUR AID."

We're standing in the kitchen. Loki's hand is bleeding.

"Alright." I say evenly, stepping back. "I'll get out of your way."

He doesn't deign to answer, just swipes a cloth from the counter and kneels down to sweep it up.

All I know is I was in the other room when I heard the distinctive sound of glass exploding. When I came running around the corner, crystal was on the floor and Loki was staring at his hand, horrified. I started forward to snap him out of it, and here we are. 

I go back into the bedroom, where I was replacing the sheets. He's been touchy since he got up. First he was (suddenly) affronted with my offer to help him shower. Then he was impatient when I told him I didn't have another set of clothes for him, being unused to long stays from gentlemen callers. Maybe he had a bad dream and got up "on the wrong side of the bed." 

Thor offered to go back to (the new) Asgard to get clothes Loki would be more comfortable with. Loki declines to join. I figure it's better to stay out of the way too. Sometimes people just need space. And let's be honest--I've been in his space A Lot recently. Granted, he asked me for that back at the tower, but he's moving forward. I can't actually blame him for wanting to do stuff by himself. Its gotta get old needing help to balance or eat or sleep or bathe. Though he could have asked nicely.

So I settle down to read once the bed's been remade, but as soon as I stop moving I can hear quiet sobbing around the corner. My blood frosts. Should I leave him? He's capable of calling out for me if he needs me. I search the edges of my mind for signs of a flashback and feel nothing. But my eyes well up. He's in so much pain, and now we're getting to the harder part of healing. Where he can't just cry or sleep or yell it away. He can only move forward by confronting whats happened and making it fit into his narrative. If I could take it away, reverse time, switch places....anything....I would. 

I find myself rounding the corner to the kitchen again before I realize I've left the bedroom. Loki is pressed up into the corner of the cabinets opposite where I found him in the first place. 

I can guess what's going to happen before I start. "Loki?"

"NO." He howls. "I SAID LEAVE ME BE."

Yep. 

"Loki, what's wrong?"

I sit across from him. Proximity without smothering. 

"What's wrong?" He growls, chest heaving. "You ask me--"

"What's wrong  _right now_?" I cut across, selfishly digging for the root of his suffering so I can end it, rather than letting him vent.

His mouth opens and closes. A few tears race down his cheeks. 

"What hap--"

"QUIET." He throws his hands over his ears, doubling over and rocking himself slightly. 

My breath can't seem to move in my chest. 

"NO." He bursts again as I lean forward. "This is not merely some spilled mead to be cleaned up—or—or a scraped knee to kiss away!"

"When have I ever treated you or your suffering like that?" I snap, overwhelmed by the rapid changes in mood. Also I've probably spent too much time staying awake to guard him from nightmares. I have to physically bite my tongue to keep that part from coming out now. "Loki, for the love of god, what  _happened_?"

"I tire of being your invalid." 

" _Excuse me_?"

"This is not the life I would have with my freedom returned to me! Have you any idea how it grates on me, a prince, a warrior? A god, by your mortal standards?"

This life? Being with me? "I know you're hurt--"

He barks a laugh, then stands up. "This is not hurt."

I stand up too, then follow him as he strides away. Probably the opposite of what I should do, since we make it all six feet to the living room before he rounds on me, screaming, "Hurt was being crushed between universes. Strung like a marionette for amusement and vengeance. My blood and pride spilt in equal measure-- _that_ was hurt."

He stops, wiping his cheeks furiously, his breath wet and short as he fights more tears. All I can do now is stand frozen, frightened that I won't be able to fix this. That his pain will consume him while I stand dumb. Or that the best way to fix it would be to let him go.

"This...what I have now... _all_ I have now...is shame and ache and pitiful fury. Flinching at the slightest sound, weary from the slightest task. I fall to sleep for hours upon hours only to have my humiliation and anguish overtake me in dreams.”

His rage flows out of him unrestrained now. “I am every bit their captive here as I was on their planet! It is their ultimate triumph. I have no safe haven, no respite from the reminder that I was conquered. I am stranded in a wasteland of terror and cowardice, nothing more than a wretch thirsting for comfort I shall  _never_ have."

 _Yes you will_. I repeat to myself, wiping back my own tears and trying to open my throat. _Even if it means letting you go for real. I will find your safe space and send you there myself._

"You ask what ails me, as though this were some fever you could remedy in mere days? There  _is_ no cure for this...this...anguish. It grows from within me! It blossoms, wilts, and blossoms anew as so many thorned flowers within my belly. You could not cure the thing that weaves between my bones.  _This is who I am now_."

He turns and kicks a table clear across the room, then begins punching frames off the walls.

The weight feels familiar in my fingers now, rising as soon as the blood drips from his knuckles. I grasp at the air, gloving his palms in amber just like I did to the Child. But instead of forcing him to kneel, I hold his hands at his sides. It saddens me that he can't put up nearly the fight the Child did. Still so far to go.

"LET ME GO."

I have nothing to say. _This is not the life I would have_.  _No safe haven_.  _This is who I am now._ I don't know what to do. I just know I couldn't stand to watch him carry on.

He growls through gritted teeth.

“Please don’t hurt yourself.” I murmur, aware that the room seems to be distantly spinning. _Get a grip. Get a grip._

“A few more cuts are of no consequence.”

“They are to me.”

This seems to make him more angry. But before he can say anything, the door opens. Immediately he’s yanking against the light, whimpering, trying to shield himself. I let him go as I whirl on the spot, drawing a wall from side to side, shielding him behind me.

Thor walks in with a satchel of clothes thrown over his shoulder. I drop the wall, shoulders slumping in relief.

The bag drops. “Brother, what—“

“It is none of your concern!” Loki spits. He glares at both of us, now pacing like a caged animal. 

Thor comes to my side. “Hayden?”

I don’t know what to say. I’m busy wrestling with my fear that he wants to leave, that I can’t help him after all, and the small voice buried deep trying to tell me not to take this personally.

“How did this happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“Loki?”

“I have nothing to say! Leave me be!”

Thor turns me to him. “Are you alright?”

I nod, feeling stupider by the minute. 

“Are you hurt?”

Yes. “No.”

He looks me over. “Go to Tony. I will handle this.”

“Uh...yeah. Sure.” I rub my eyes. “Did he ask for me?”

“Not as such.”

“Ah.” 

“But he will come to you nonetheless. Perhaps meet him somewhere close. I will call for you.”

Loki has been prowling back and forth this entire time. He looks ashamed, frightened, and angry as I leave the house, opening my phone.

“Hey. You busy?”

“Always busy.” He answers. “What’s up?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, another part coming soon. Felt weird to keep writing. Also not sure how well this one holds up. But I stayed up too late last night reading soooooo gnight.

He tells me he needs to restock his scotch reserves and pick out a few bottles of wine to send to somebody or other as a wedding present. Or something. I was a little too focused on not sniffling into the phone.

 

“Needed a break?” He asks me now as he considers sending a barrel of wine rather than several bottles.

 

“Yeah. Just some air.”

 

“How’s he holding up?”

 

“He’s..uhhh...sore. Sleeps a lot.”

 

I feel Tony’s eyes on me. I’m determined not to cry and make a point of trying to decipher the French label.

 

“This is for who again?”

 

“Italian ambassador. She’s considering lobbying her government to start using Stark Engery in their capital building. And she’s getting married or whatever.”

 

“Ah. What a selfless gift.”

 

“You’re supposed to give newly weds presents.”

 

“And you’re definitely not supposed to bribe government officials.”

 

“So is Loki taking it out on you?” 

 

“What?” 

 

“His anger. He’s taking it out on you guys?”

 

God, apparently Tony speaks my body language fluently now. Or he’s a damn good guesser. Definitely good at using tangents to get out of tight moral spots.

 

“A bit, yeah.”

 

“Well, that sucks.” Tony’s hand falls on my shoulder. “It’s not about you, kid.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Hey.” He forced me to turn and look him head on. Apparently I didn’t get enough levity in my voice. “Whatever it is he’s going through, he needs you.”

 

My mouth gets jammed with words. I wanna tell him how tired I am, how it shouldn’t be about me at all, but suddenly I’m doing long-term therapy of sorts and I may have wildly overestimated my capacity to fix this. And how I might have overestimated how much he’d want my help in the first place. But I don’t say any of it.

 

“Com’mere.”

 

He leads me over to a corner and hops on a barrel, gesturing for me to do the same. He sees me check the label (as if sitting on cheaper merchandise would be less rude).

 

“If anyone complains I’ll buy the entire row. Now talk to me.”

 

I wait for him to finish with “while I’m in a sensitive mood” or something similar. He says nothing. When I look up, his expression is remarkably patient and open. 

 

“I’m sorry—“

 

“Don’t be. Just tell me what’s going on before you explode.”

 

It’s like the word was the key. I breathe in sharply and then sob once in an awkward hiccup as my doubt overtakes me. Several tears burst onto my cheeks at once. I look away and try to compose myself.

 

“Aw, Hayden.” He slides off his barrel and hugs me on mine, patting my back. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before. How does anyone stand it?”

 

Guess I’m an ugly crier?

 

“What happened, kid?”

 

He leans back to pull out the silkiest handkerchief I’ve ever seen. It’d be a crime to use it.

 

He pushes it into my hand. “I can get more.”

 

_Stop reading me so well._ God, if this is how he felt when I called him on his emotions, maybe I should have shut up. Now I feel even worse.

 

“Hayden. Hayden, you’re scaring me.” He leans back. “Ya gotta stop crying. What happened?”

 

I bury my face in the handkerchief and wipe everything as quickly as I can, then try to coach myself into measured breathes. Tony takes the cloth and blots a few more tears.

 

“What happened?” He repeats softly.

 

“It’s stupid. It’s just...he woke up in a bad mood.”

 

“Loki did.”

 

I nod. “And he was like that all morning, and then Thor left to get some more clothes for him, and he wanted to be alone. But then he broke a glass somehow and he yelled at me when I tried to help...which I get,” I say hurriedly, since I sound like an oversensitive school girl. “But then I heard him crying and really pissed him off when I came out to help again.”

 

Tony waits while I force back another wave of emotion. He seems unable to let the tears make it passed my eyelashes. 

 

“He just went off about how he’s never going to be better and there’s no place he can go that makes him feel safe and I should stop trying to help.”

 

Worse things have happened in the last two weeks and I didn’t come crying to him. Now he thinks I’m too delicate to be a part of the Team. I flush.

 

Tony pulls me to his chest and pets my hair. I’m too grateful for the comfort to be surprised he knows this move. We hug for a minute as my breathing returns to normal.

 

“He’s in a tough place” Tony says. “I’ve been there before. We all have.”

 

“It’s just...I don’t think I’m doing a good job at this. And sooner or later he might get sick of all the not help he’s not getting.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t think I’m what he needs. Maybe he needs actual professional help from people on his planet.” Maybe I was selfish to think I could do this. Would he be in this much pain if I had sent him off with his brother?

 

“Hayden, you could be utterly perfect all the time like me and he wouldn’t be any better.”

 

I snort. 

 

“I’m serious. He has to work through this. You just have to give him the right...environment or whatever to do it in.” Tony waves his hand. “And you’re good at that.”

 

“Thanks,” I mumble.

 

“You are. You forced me into that space with no effort at all.” He smirks. “I let you force me, of course. No one makes me do anything.”

 

“Except for the time that Fury and Nat locked you in your garage so you could fix your arc reactor.”

 

“Doesn’t count.”

 

“Or the time Pepper made you get rid of the fauxhawk.”

 

“That wasn’t forced, I bargained.”

 

“Or when—“

 

“Alright, you’re obviously feeling better.” Tony steps back and pulls me down. “Now help me pick an absurdly expensive keg of red wine to ship to Italy.”

 

“Why not send them the one you were sitting on so they can sell it on EBay when it’s empty?”

 

“That’s—" Tony stops. “That’s actually genius.”

 

“Tony, she’s a government ambassador. I don’t think she needs to sell anything on EBay.”

 

“She can give it away as a party favor.”

 

"You're going to send this with a note saying you sat on it and she should feel free to give it to someone so they can make a few bucks?"

 

"Is my buttprint really only worth--"

  
"Did you just actually say buttprint?"

 

"Did you just actually say it's worth only a few bucks? Is it getting saggy?" He tries to look over his shoulder. "Oh--no, that lady over there just checked me out. I've still got it."

 

I roll my eyes. “Tony—Thanks, though. Really. I’m really short on sleep, and I just—“

 

Again, he waves his hand. “You don't need an excuse. Hey, yeah, mister?" 

 

Tony flags down a uniformed guy. “Hey, yeah, I wanna buy one of those.” Tony points to the barrel he sat on. “And send it to the Italian ambassador’s wedding. And she sat on that," (pointing to mine) "so I guess I have to buy that one for myself since she ruined it.”

 

“Oh don't worry about that. We sit on them all the time during our breaks.” The guy says.

 

“Don’t be brave, she thoughtlessly damaged hundreds—thousands of dollars of property. But I’ll take it off your hands.”

 

“Just sell it to him.” I say before the dude can try and insist that nothing was wrong with it.

 

“Go home. Get some sleep. Make him sleep in the tub if he’s still pissy.”

 

I squeeze his hand once and walk off while he’s telling the man how I got dust on a glass cabinet full of scotch and he’ll buy the whole thing, including the cabinet.

 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope there’s still some fun stuff/quality in here even though they’re coming out rapid fire.

_In a grey haze, I see Loki curled up on the floor, sobbing his heart out. He screams for me intermittently, pulling at chains that keep him balled against the damp cold stone._

_His heart pounds in his throat. I’m not there. I’m not coming back. He messed up—he pushed me away and I stayed away._

_“Hayden!! Hayden...please...come back. Don’t leave.” He calls into the mist, a desperate hope welling in him._ _His muscles ache from being forced to stay in the fetal position. He’s cold and hungry and afraid and alone._ _“I'm sorry...I'm so sorry.”_

_Suddenly I’m standing before him, looking down dispassionately._

_Joy and anxiety compete, and he begs, “Help me. Help me—I should not...have said those things. Please, I love you. Please....Hayden, please!!”_

_I snort dismissively, turn around, and leave him reaching for me. He begins crying harder, screaming for me. In his heart I can feel the stunning emptiness, as though the floor had suddenly vanished beneath him._

_Thor's voice. “Brother—wake now.”_

And then I’m walking on the sidewalk, two blocks from my house. Picking up the pace and jumping two steps at a time to my place, I open the door to hear Loki crying in the bedroom. As I get closer, I can hear Thor murmuring to him. I round the corner.

 

“Be calm, Brother. Be still. She's returned.”

 

Loki whips around, eyes brimming, grabbing onto me before I can climb onto the bed.

 

"Hayden! Hayden..." He buries his face in my hair, breaking into stutters.

 

"Shhh..." I whisper in his ear. "I'm here. I will always come back when you want me."

 

"I want you! I want no other."

 

"Alright. It's alright, my One." I push him gently to make room for me among the sheets. "I understand."

 

“I should—I should not have...I didn’t mean...” His teeth start to chatter against me. 

 

Thor tucks the quilt around him. "It was only a dream, Brother." 

 

"It wasn't--I said...I hurt--"

 

Tucking his face into my shoulder and putting his finger over the notch in my neck so he can feel my pulse, "I know. Everything is alright."

 

"I'm so sorry...you are...truly my Heart."

 

"Breathe with me. Shh, shhh....it was just a dream."

 

"I'm--"

 

"I know. Thank you. Just relax with me now, ok?" I bunch him closer to my skin and stroke his fingers over my heart. "Just be with me here."

 

He quiets, nuzzling against my throat. Within minutes he’s asleep. 

 

“I fear that is my doing.” Thor says. “He was a stubborn cuss.”

 

"What did I miss?"

 

“We fought, as brothers do. As we did, when we were young.”

 

“Uh....”

 

“I did him no harm.” Thor assures me.

 

“Yeah, no, I figured. Just...wouldn’t have occurred to me to do that.”

 

“Which is why I sent you away.”

 

“Seriously?” He just walked in, assessed the situation, and immediately knew they were going to brawl it out? Maybe it’s a guy thing.

 

“Aye. I know my brother well. There comes a point when I must force the truth out of him.”

 

“So, like, you pressed his arm behind his back until he cried uncle?”

 

“Why would he speak of Vé?”

 

“....Who?”

 

“Our favorite uncle. We have not seen him since we were old enough to hunt Bilgesnipe.”

 

“No, ‘crying uncle’ is a thing where you put someone in a position where they have to call mercy. Like tapping out. Uuhhh...yielding.”

 

“Ah. Yes, I suppose I did force him to yield, but I did not merely immobilize an arm.”

 

“Do I even want to know what you did?”

 

“It’s quite an effective strategy. I shall demonstrate it some time. You may find it useful."

 

Again with the battle planning.

 

“So did you figure out what happened?”

 

Thor’s expression grows sober. “It seems the breaking point was when I offered to bring him with me through the Bifrost. As that was where he was taken, the thought of entering it again frightened him.”

 

Oh, of course. I should have worked that out.

 

Loki whimpers softly as though he had heard the mention of the Bifrost. I stroke his cheek with my thumb and kiss the side of his head. He turns further into me and quiets.

 

“His pride was already weak, as you might imagine. To be afraid of something so natural to us...wounded him. And angered him. He is not used to this state.”

 

Who would be? Who would _want_ to be?

 

“And he fears that he is a burden. He is a born leader. To...as he put it, ‘cower behind my queen rather than stand tall at her side—‘“

 

I 100% tuned out at the phrase “my queen,” my whole face tingling, enflamed.

 

“I suspect he will be in this state for a day or two.”

 

I twitch back to reality, hoping he didn’t notice. “Which state?”

 

“His exhaustion. For a moment, we were fighting as we did in our youth.” Thor’s voice is tinged with pride. “Naturally, I overcame him in the end. He put up a worthy fight—given his condition—before that point. I fear my efforts to come to the truth cost him some of the energy he has gained.”

 

“Worth it.” I said. “He needed to expend some of the angst, for lack of a better word.”

 

“As you say. Now perhaps you will keep vigil while I prepare us a roast?”

 

“Yeah, sure. There’s some meat in the freezer. Spices are above the stove.”

 

Thor sweeps from the room, but not before tucking the quilt around us both. Loki breathes evenly, relaxed against me. Relief turns quickly to drowsiness, and the sound of someone else moving around confidently in the kitchen helps me drift a bit.  I rest my head against his and let my eyes close.

 

This all counts as progress, even if the process sucks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’re all still having fun :)

 

I wake up alone. For one beat, my heart goes stiff in my chest. Then I hear Thor chuckling in the other room. My phone says it’s past midnight.

“Ah, Lady Hayden.” Thor greets me cheerfully. “You are hungry, I trust?”

“Yeah, sure.” 

Loki sits across from him, looking pale(r) and bruised, but alert and calm enough. He smiles at me and takes my hand as I sit.

“I was just telling Loki of your battle prowess. Particularly of your strategy on the roof.” 

_Seriously, Thor? Should we be talking about that now?_  But then I notice the look in Loki’s eye—amorous. Almost turned on. 

_Ok, I take it back_.

“Did he tell you I didn’t really know what I was doing?”

“It makes you all the more impressive.” Loki murmurs, watching his brother move out of the corner of his eye. “Your natural instincts served you every bit as well as mine would me.”

My cheeks flame, and I take refuge in my enormous plate of food as soon as Thor sets it in front of me.

“Our Father would have liked you.” Loki continues. 

“And Mother.” Thor adds.

I have trouble swallowing. “Thank you. I’m sorry you lost them.” 

They nod.

“I have spoken to them regularly on your behalf, Loki.” Thor says. “I trust they smile down on us both. Perhaps we should toast their assistance in our victory.” 

“No assistance was needed.” 

I feel Loki’s gaze prickling over my skin as he says this. I focus really hard on spearing peas.

“She would have made a wonderful Queen.” Thor agrees.

“She is a queen.”  

_Kill me._

“Aye, but not of Asgard.” 

“I’ll wager she would be more valuable to Asgard as a maid than your Jane would have on the throne.”

Thor looks properly taken aback. Then he bursts out in laughter that thunders (no pun intended) from one wall to the other.

“You should eat more, Brother. I’ll refill your plate.” Thor sweeps it from the table. 

“How long have you been up?” I ask Loki.

“Not two hours.” 

“You feeling alright?” 

“Yes, thanks in no small part to your care.”

Every bit of skin on my face and chest are burning. “And Thor.”

“Aye, but I know you have kept vigil over us these past few nights. We appreciate it.” 

“Oh.” I don’t know what to say except, “I was happy to do it. Honored...if I can say that.” 

Thor thumps Loki on the back as he sets another full serving of everything before him. I think I see Loki flinch, but then Thor is talking about how Heimdel is being promoted or knighted or something and Loki looks distracted by his food. I’m distracted by my relief that he’s eating so much. 

 

It happens a few minutes later because I’m uncoordinated and tired. At one point I was drifting to the sound of their rich voices, then Thor is offering to get me more water. I snap back, standing and about to get it myself. 

I reach for the glass, but Thor’s already got it, and it ends up getting knocked to the floor. 

Suddenly a chair is knocked over (Loki’s), then another (Thor’s). There’s a glint of metal and I’ve drawn a wall between them without even realizing it’s done, and there’s a loud voice in my (Loki’s) head.

“ _Where shall we take him?”_

_“To our Master’s throne. Chain him before it. We are gathered to witness.”_

Loki is holding a knife from the table, glaring at Thor through the wall of light.

“I am no coward!” Loki shouts. 

_He’s panting in the dark, back outside, the unbelievable frost of the sunless ground biting into every part of him that touches the ground._

“ _You promised our Master the riches of your planet, then fled when you failed him. What would you call such a creature?”_

“Heart—“ I try, then instantly realize this is a mistake. 

He lunges around the table at me, startling himself as its wooden legs screech over the floor. The wall drops. Thor yanks me out of reach of the blade.

“Loki,” he roars, “stop this!”

_A crowd bellows its approval as a fresh trail of blood makes its way down the side of his face. He’s chained in a sort of supplication pose, Thanos’s empty chair looming before him._

Thor grapples the knife from Loki, who puts up a surprisingly good fight for a few seconds. 

“Your Master could not kill me.” Loki snarls. “I will not die at your hand.” 

_“No. You will suffer.”_

Loki twists and grunts, trapped between Thor’s bear arms and also, confusingly, with his wrists spread and bolted to the ground. My head starts to hurt.

Thor locks Loki’s arms across his chest. “Brother, I will do you no harm. You’re safe now.“ 

Loki whimpers.

Thor’s warm arms.  _The freezing, darker than nothing surface._ The knife, glinting too far away on the floor. _The empty throne. The shadow in the hallway. A glint of purple._ Thor’s voice.

“What makes you think you can keep me?” Loki demands, though his efforts are growing weaker.

_The shadows of the throne room._ The shadow of the overturned dining room chair. _The empty throne_.

_“Our Master’s final gift.”_

_A small shard of purple stone appears before Loki._

_“Swallow it.”_

Thor forces Loki onto his knees, doubling him over. Loki wrenches against him, panicked and angry. I’m going to pass out if we can’t pick between past and present soon.

_The room explodes in glee. Loki turns his head away, fighting the hand that tries to turn his face forward._

_“Are you afraid?”_

_“_ Loki, whatever you see, it isn’t real!” 

_Thin grey fingers pinch at his jaw bone and force him to look ahead._

_“Tell us, lost prince. Are you afraid?”_

_Bizarrely, I see myself for just a moment. I assume that means Loki thought of me. He doesn’t respond, but his face quivers in the Child’s grip._

_The shard disappears roughly between his lips. Light radiates from him as he screams—_

Suddenly, he’s in my arms and I’m hugging him tighter than I ever have. He’s crying, shaking against me, trying to disappear into me. Thor is a blur, kneeling at our side.

My throat burns. I can’t tell if that’s because I’m crying or because I screamed with him. 

“Hayden, what happened?” He asks, alarmed. “What happened? What did you see?” 

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, the sound of unparalleled agony caving in my brain.

“HAYDEN!” Thor demands.

Loki starts and I’m pretty sure my spine cracks.

“They made him swallow a piece of the Power stone.” I wheeze. “That’s how they overpowered him.”


	39. Chapter 39

“ _Are you afraid?”_

_The rock disappears between his lips._

“Brother,” Thor croaks, “you are a warrior. Be the victor of your fears now.”

He sways forward, looking grey-green, and lays a huge hand on Loki’s back, rubbing gently. Loki cries out, holding so tight to me his fists shake. 

Thor looks on the verge of panic. “We destroyed the rest of it, Brother. All the stones! They can l never hurt you again, I swear it. Loki—listen to me!”

“Thor,” I try. “Can you get him something to drink?”

He swims in confusion, not quite hearing me. His eyes flit between us.

“Thor.” I say with more authority. “He needs some water.”

“Brother, you must  _breathe_.”

The pressure against me builds as Thor’s anxiety passes to Loki.

“Thor—“

“He will collapse—“

“I know. That’s why he needs the water.” I say as calmly as I can while my lungs fight to expand. Thor’s eyes widen as Loki begins to cough, unable to get enough air.

_Move, move, move_. “Ok, ok. Here, take him.” 

Thor almost lunges forward, prying his brother from my arms. Loki claws at me, screaming, “No!!!”

_My shadowy form from his dream turns and walks away. The hope that had been building inside him begins to burn away._  

“Don’t leave me! Hayden! Hayden, please don't!!” 

I run to the fridge and grab the biggest water bottles I see as Thor tries to get through to Loki, grunting with the effort to transfer him to the couch. Another fit of coughing/hyperventilating takes hold. 

Rushing back, I see Thor is shaking too.

“Hey, hey.” I throw the bottles aside and take Loki’s face in my hands. “Shh, Loki, sweetheart. Look at me--I’m not leaving.”

The green in his eyes sparkles as he fights to get back into my arms. Thor holds on tight. 

“Hey—“ I try to catch his eye. “Shh, shh. It’s ok, Loki. Say my name.”

It sounds more like pleading. “Hayden!”

“Ok. It's ok. You're alright.“ I lean into him, pressing my forehead to his. “Listen to me. I’m not going to leave this spot, ok?”

“Ple—please, Hayden—“

“I’m right here, my One.”

His eyes flicker across my face, brain working frantically. I need him to think—to focus on something simple and work through it.

“Shhhh...You're alright. Everything is alright.” I run my fingers through his hair, unsticking it from his tears. “What’s my nickname? Do you remember?”

“...H-Heart.”

“Yes! Good.” Valiantly pretending Thor didn't hear that, “What’s my favorite food?”

He whimpers, tugging against Thor’s hold. I inch closer so our torsos are flush against each other. Out of the corner of my eye I see Thor’s throat working as he swallows hard.

“It’s alright, sweetheart. I’m not gonna leave you. I'm just trying to help ground you. Ok?”

"I--Hayden please--"

"I know you're scared." I say, our lips almost brushing. "I know. I've got you. Thor and I are here."

Fresh tears bloom at the corner of his eyes. He gulps air. "Please--I want to go."

“I know, sweetheart. We’re gonna go. But we need to help you calm down a bit. Can you to take some deep breaths with me?"

He nods frantically, half-sobbing. Thor moves one of Loki’s hands around, into mine. I rest the tips of his fingers against my lips, making a deliberate O so he can feel the air moving. In. Out. 

In. Out.

He tries to follow, quivering. Thor’s shoulders relax ever so slightly.

“Good. You’re doing good, Heart. What’s my favorite food? Do you remember?” 

His lips open, quivering. “Ice—cream.”

“And what’s my favorite color?”

“G—grey.”

“Good. Why?”

"I--I don't--"

"It's ok if you don't remember." I say softly. "I'm not going to hurt you. We're just talking and breathing slow, remember?"

He nods again, taking in more air this time.“You said...every shade of grey...is beautiful. N-no matter w-where it is.”

“That’s right.”

I wipe away some tears with my thumb. Loki swallows, breathing ragged but deep, like he’s just finished a marathon. Without bringing attention to it, I take a drink of water and then move it to him. He jerks away.

“Shh, shhh—it’s alright. It won't hurt. Just have a little with me.”

I help him hold the bottle and tip it so just a splash gets through. He accepts it before turning his head away, whimpering.

“Good. You're doing good." I tuck his hair behind his ear, rubbing his cheek. "What’s Thor’s favorite color?”

Sweat catches at the corner of his eyes. “Red. The color of the sunset.”

“Aye, Brother.” Thor murmurs. “You remember well.”

I pass the bottle to Thor too, who downs the rest in one go. Then he brings Loki’s other arm around to me, helping him move through the stiffness. Thor presses his back up to his brother, supporting him. I grab another bottle of water and take a long drink.

"Can you have a little more now?"

He eyes it warily. 

"Trust me." I say softly. "I won't let anything happen to you."

He practices breathing a little more, then nods. This time Thor takes the bottle from me, cradling his brother as he drinks little by little. More tears fall, but he allows Thor to work through more than half of the container. Then he pushes weakly at it. "N-no...more. Please."

"Alright." I say as Thor sets it aside. "You've done so well, sweetheart. What do you need now?"

He takes a shuddering breath, not answering. Instead, he leans forward and curls up across my lap. He keeps crying, but softer now, gradually quieting until he’s a warm, heavy weight in my arms.

“Let me get you a blanket.” Thor says gruffly, getting up and disappearing into the hall.

Loki shifts slightly but doesn’t open his eyes. I start humming the Parting Glass song again. When I start petting his hair, he sighs, going slack.

 

He’s been out for twenty minutes before I realize Thor never came back with the blanket. The couch is a perfectly good bed and I’m more than ready to pass out with Loki. So I carefully shift him, hushing softly when he twitches.

My  _god_ I'm wiped. I pad almost dizzily back to the bedroom.

Which is where Thor is crying.

 

 


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I know the spacing is gonna be wonky but I’m on my phone, so it is what it is. 
> 
> I’ve been thinking about going back and naming the chapters. Anyone have opinions on that?

“Thor?” I whisper.

 

He doesn’t acknowledge me, but I’m sure he heard.

 

“Do you wanna be alone?”

 

Nothing. I take that as yes.

 

“Ok—sorry, I’m just gonna grab an extra blanket and I’ll leave.” 

 

I cross to the wardrobe, deliberately not looking at him while also keeping my face passive. _No big deal. Not judging. Just getting a thing and getting out._

_“_ Hayden.” He croaks.

 

“Yeah?”

 

He doesn’t say anything else. I meet his eyes and his anguish floods me. 

 

“I’ll be right back.”

 

I go out and lay the blanket over Loki, praying that helps him sleep through.

 

Thor’s wiping his eyes and trying to straighten up. I crawl on the bed and lean back. He rests at the headboard with me, and for a long time he says nothing. I hold his hand while he stares into the distance, not all here. 

 

“The kind of agony he endured.” His throat closes and a cascade of tears appear. “That stone was held to my head once.”

 

He squeezes my hand hard—so hard I have to breathe deeply to process it. Thank god it’s not the hand I bruised. 

 

“I find myself...thinking of all the times I could have told him I loved him. And all the times I cast my shadow over him.”

 

He takes a shaky breath, squeezing my hand again.

 

“His fall from the bridge was because he believed me to be Father’s favorite. And I believe he fell under Thanos’s spell in his search to find a way to prove himself my equal. None of that would have happened if I had not been so proud, so selfish. If I had not been...If I had not...”

 

He breaks down, covering his face. 

 

“Thor...” I say, rubbing his back. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

 

“He has suffered too much.”

 

“Yeah, he has. And it’s not going to get better quickly.” No point in lying. “But he _will_ get better.”

 

“Aye.” He hangs his head. “I hope we know the extent of the damage now.”

 

“Just don’t count yourself as part of it.”

 

His beard sparkles with tears. 

 

“I should have found him.” He croaks. “I should have checked on him sooner.”

 

I take a moment to feel out Loki through the wall, still curled up and peaceful. Even as Thor begins to weep more heartily.

 

“Hey—“ I have to get on my knees to look him properly in the eye.

 

He grabs me hard by the shoulders. “I should have made sure he was with you!”

 

In contrasting calm, “I should have made sure he was with _you_.” 

 

He gazes at me miserably, then crumples into me, crushing me to his chest. I wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through his hair, pressing my cheek to it. 

 

“I got you.”

 

Thor pulls me into his lap like a ragdoll, crying through gritted teeth. Grief begins to wring him out. All I can do is hold him and play gently with his hair.

 

“It’s gonna be ok.” I whisper.

 

He breathes hard against my neck, scrunching his eyes shut. I alternate between rubbing his arms and running my fingertips delicately over his cheek and jaw bones.

 

Eventually his breath evens out. He seems to be drifting. I shift out of his lap and pull him across mine. He’s so big it ends up really just being one shoulder on my thighs and me cradling his head and massive back, but he seems comfortable all the same.

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I say softly, touching his brow. “And you’re gonna be what makes him ok now.”

 

“He’s suffered too much.” Thor murmurs again.

 

“I know. But that’s kind of how it is for—“ 

 

What? Us? You all? My ego doesn’t know how to handle officially being Team.

 

“—the Team, right? Tony’s had someone rip his arc reactor out, he’s got PTSD from the New York attack, his past with his dad...Steve got suck in the ice, lost his best friend—who then tried to murder him...Nat’s whole childhood sounds like a horror movie...and those are just highlights, you know?”

 

Resting my hand on his head. “You all have your stories. This is just another of Loki’s now. But we stick together and it gets better.”

 

Thor closes his eyes against more tears. “You give wise counsel. I fear we’ll need much more of that before this is over.”

 

“I’ll be here.”

 

“Hayden...” He seems to be working something out of his throat. “I believe he has the stone inside him still.”

 

.....

 

Where the hell are my lungs? Are they still in there?

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“Because I see its power in you.”

 

I actually choke. “What?!”

 

“And he may not survive its extraction. If it can be removed at all.” 

 

Thor is overcome with sobs again. He’s clearly fighting not to cry, instead grinding his teeth and jamming his fists into his forehead.

 

“Yes he will.” I say fiercely without really considering the issue.

 

He turns his head into my shoulder and crushes himself to me. His tears run down my back, his breath hot and buried in my hair. I rock him slightly and try to shove aside the new information and all its implications.

 

“It will be you that carries him through.” Thor says eventually.

 

“Thor, you know Banner can do it—he can even probably do it well.” 

 

“But only you can calm him enough for Banner to work.”

 

I rest my head against the wall, feeling like my lungs have only returned to half-capacity. “Don’t worry about it for now. We’ll talk to the Team in the morning.”

 

“How could I wait until then?” His voice cracks.

 

One more hug. “Come with me.”

 

We stand up and bring the quilt and another pillow back into the living room. All I have to do is point to Loki, and Thor gets it. With gentle strength he gathers his brother in his arms, hushing when Loki twitches awake. I set up the pillow at the end and Thor rests on it, Loki already asleep again on his chest. Then I crawl onto the other side of the couch and cover myself and Thor’s legs with the other blanket.

 

I whisper good night, but Thor’s already sleeping.

 

I don’t think I’ll slee much though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part coming soon, just following the shorter chapters pattern.

Loki can sense that something is up. We got up early and only told him we needed a Team meeting. I texted Tony last night—er...this morning—and gave him the briefest version possible, since I could barely cope with the information myself.

 

_Why did I think I was special? Why did I let myself believe even for a second that I could be on the Team? There’s nothing special about me. I should have listened to my gut._

 

Nat and Steve come to get us. This was probably to make sure Loki could be contained, but I think having the escort is making him even more nervous. He’s shivering violently between us, though he refuses to move into Thor’s or my arms. He’s just staring at the floor of the car, breathing fast and shallow. Thor puts an arm around him, which only helps a little.

 

Nat and Steve keep up the small talk all the way until we get out of the elevator. We take up couch seats around a breakfast feast—Tony must have ordered an entire cafe menu. Everyone else samples something—if not loading up a plate, as Tony is doing—except Thor and Loki and I. I can barely take orange juice.

 

“I take it you haven’t filled Loki in.” Steve says finally.

 

I shake my head as the color drains from Loki’s face.

 

“I should explain.” Thor rumbles. “Loki disclosed to us last night that he was forced to ingest a shard of the power stone.”

 

Comprehension dawns on Bruce’s face. Yeah, I’ll bet whatever readings the computer got make a lot more sense now. My shame deepens.

 

Loki seems intent on not crying. Instead, he turns a little toward me and focuses on my hands in my lap. 

 

“I believe that stone is still there.”

 

Tony leans forward on his knees, steepling his fingers against his lips. I think I see him lose a little color too.

 

“How is he still alive?” Steve asks. 

 

“I do not know. Nobody was meant to contain something so powerful.”

 

”What are his chances if we remove it?”

 

”Attempt to remove it.” Bruce corrects.

 

Thor opens his mouth, then closes it. I reach behind Loki to touch his arm.

 

“So you’re here to borrow my tech again.” Tony says.

 

“I am here to ask for your help.”

 

“Gonna have to start charging rent.” 

 

Thor drops his head—Tony immediately drops the joke. 

 

“Bruce?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Feel like putting your medical degree to actual use?”

 

“Uh...what do you call what I was doing in India?”

 

“Child’s play.”

 

Silence falls like a hammer. Bruce looks at our sad couch, pressing his lips together and wringing his hands.

 

“Loki,” Thor murmurs, “No one will hurt you.”

 

I realize that Loki is shaking. Where the hell was I?!

 

“Oh, sweetheart.” I whisper as he looks to me, open-mouthed and miserable. “Come here.”

 

He crawls between my legs and curls up on me, hiding his face. 

 

“Trust me. This won’t be like before. I promise.”

 

He pants against my neck, and I feel a lone tear pass between us. For his ears only, I start humming Auld Lang Syne.

 

“—should go set up.”

 

Omfg—now?! God, I’m short on sleep. 

 

“What can we do to help?” Steve is asking.

 

Tony. “Maybe don’t go down to the beach for a few hours in case we need some Capiscle Razzle Dazzle?”

 

“Did you just—“ Nat starts.

 

“Let’s not dwell on it.”

 

She and Steve stand up—something something sparring practice, there in a second if they’re needed.

 

God, I just want this to stop. I can’t imagine how much worse this feeling is for my Heart, trembling into my shoulder.

 

“Ssshhhh.” I hush into his hair.

 

Bruce, abruptly in front of me. “I think we should just start easy. Do some scans and visual examination—“

 

I’ve always hated that word.

 

“—and see what to do from there. I don’t wanna get too involved until I have a lot more information.”

 

I think that means he doesn’t wanna do anything that might make it explode. I feel a little sicker.

 

“I’ll meet you down there.” He says. 

 

Loki’s shaking kicks up a notch as Thor lays a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Brother...”

 

He whines and bunches up.

 

“Brother, Banner would not harm you.”

 

Loki whispers something—I can’t make it out but it sounds repetitive.

 

“What is it, Loki?” Thor asks softly, leaning in.

 

I try and focus, uncomfortably aware of how the room tilts farther than I do as I lean in too.

 

_“I don’t want this. I don’t want this_.” He keeps saying over and over.

 

“I know.” I say back. “There’s been too much, hasn’t there?”

 

He blinks at me, suddenly quiet as another lone tear drops down his cheek. I can almost feel him screaming yes.

 

“Thor and I will be there with you the whole time.” I say. “We can talk. You just focus on us.”

 

_What is it?_

_Uncooperative subject._

_The usual, then?_

 

“Loki—Heart, look at me.” I direct his face to mine. “It won’t be like that. I promise. No one wants to hurt you. No one’s going to demand answers or punish you. They want to help.”

 

“Or they will feel my wrath.” Thor said darkly.

 

Loki’s teeth chatter. “...The stars?”

 

I flush cold, just managing to say smoothly, “No one will take them away from you.”

 

I pray that’s not a lie.

 

 

 


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to follow soon :) you are all wonderful.

 

 

 

Silent tears sneak out when we get him off the couch, but walks on his own, looking straight ahead. I am slightly alarmed when, again, the world rises higher than me when I stand.

 

We opt for the stairs instead of the elevator, Thor partially supporting Loki as his knees seem to transmute between rubber and lead. I hold his hand and thank Christ that no one notices my knees beginning to do the same.

 

The floor of the medical suite creeps closer, and by the time we reach it, Loki can’t move at all.

 

Thor crushes him to his chest. “Take heart, Brother. You are among friends this time.”

 

Loki wraps an arm up over his brother’s, closing his eyes and quivering. I wish I had the energy to tell him how proud and fucking impressed I am (or should be...can I feel feelings right now?). Not two weeks ago he would have been having an all-out panic attack. _This is what it looks like to be a warrior,_ I try to remember to tell him.

 

“Right here.” Bruce gestures at the exam table as we shuffle inside. 

 

Thor helps Loki and I up. Loki white knuckles the sides of the table.

 

“It’s alright.” I remember I’m supposed to be telling him. “You’re safe.”

 

Bruce holds the tablet up, reading it to himself. “Low blood pressure, high heart rate. Friday—“

 

Loki closes his eyes and ducks his head, turning it to me. I can see him trying to breathe slowly. I think, thickly, that he needs a distraction. 

 

“How about I braid your hair?”

 

His eyes fly open and widen in alarm. 

 

“I’ll just be behind you. I’ll stay on the table.” I say in an undertone as Bruce keeps talking. “And Thor can stand with you or sit next to you. Whatever you want.”

 

He doesn’t seem to be able to respond. I put a hand on his shoulder, proving we’ll stay connected while shifting behind him. Deliberately keeping contact, I drag my hand across his shoulder and start bringing his hair to rest on his back, whispering, “I’m right here. I’m staying right here.”

 

Thor shifts closer to the table, his one huge hand resting on Loki’s knee.

 

“K.” Bruce finishes his thought, going to a counter and pulls on some gloves. My lungs stop working.

 

It’s everything I can do not to draw back as he approaches the table.  _Keep your hands the fuck away from me._

Loki leans back into me, shivering.

 

_Keep it together, moron._

 

“Loki,” Bruce says gently, “I want to start by feeling your neck with my hands. Right here.” He taps his own lymph nodes.

 

Loki can’t seem to stop himself from trying to push back away from Banner. His gaze is averted, his head turned away. 

 

“It’s ok.” I murmur, trying to keep my equilibrium. “He won’t hurt you.”

 

Bruce rests his fingers on Loki’s neck, even though Loki jumps. “Can you look forward for me?”

 

I remember why I’m behind him and resume carding my fingers through his hair.

 

Bruce begins probing gently despite the less than ideal angle—maybe getting him used to contact. As I start sectioning off his hair, slowly, deliberately drawing out the process, he relaxes enough that Bruce can tip his chin up to a neutral angle.

 

“Swollen, though not the worst I’ve ever seen. Loki, can you look at me for a moment?”

 

Loki whimpers, shaking becoming more pronounced.

 

“I won’t touch you for this—I want to use a light and have you follow my finger with your eyes.”

 

Thor, soothing, “He means no harm.”

 

I see a tear fall to Loki’s shirt.

 

“Ok, good. I’m gonna turn on this little light and hold up my hand. Follow my hand without turning your head.”

 

Bruce does his thing, moving slowly, keeping a neutral expression. Thor murmurs assurance while I start twining his hair together.

 

“Good.” Bruce says. “Good. Your eyes look good. Now I just need you to open your mouth—“

 

Loki recoils violently, startling all of us, slapping at the light in Bruce’s hand. He pushes against me so hard and suddenly I almost fall off the back of the table. Thor actually has to grab my shirt to steady me.

 

“Ok, ok. Easy, Loki.” Bruce—bless him—immediately steps back, giving Loki space.

 

“Husshhh, shh shh shhhhhh.” I say as Loki shrinks into me, yanking his legs up to his chest. “I got you. I’m here.” 

 

My ears are ringing. I’m not sure why I’m shaking.

 

Now his face is covered in tears—he’s almost having trouble breathing through the snot and thick saliva you only get when crying hard. 

 

“Let me see you, sweetheart.” I press under his chin. “Shhhh, I won’t hurt you. I’m gonna help you breathe.”

 

Bruce passes me a wet washcloth. “I’m sorry, Loki. I should have known how that would sound.”

 

“I..apologize.” Loki croaks. “I—I cannot...con...control...” 

 

He shakes so hard his teeth chatter.

 

“You have nothing to apologize for, Brother.” Thor assures him. 

 

I wipe more tears and rock him in my arms, pressing his ear to my sternum.

 

“Listen to my heart.” 

 

He gasps against me, holding me so tight I can feel my ribs through my back muscles. I must be making a face, because Thor murmurs,

 

“Relax, Brother. No harm will come to you here.”

 

For several minutes, we wait while he gets his breathing under control. I can feel my pulse in the new bruises on either side of my spine.

 

“Loki, what I want to do,” Bruce says eventually, “Is look at the back of your throat with that light. If I need to do anything more, I’ll ask you.”

 

A few new tears fall, but he nods, slowly resuming his place at the edge of the table.

 

Bruce steps closer, then raises the pen light, still off. “That’s good. You’re doing good.”

 

I resume braiding his hair, pressing up against his back.

 

“Ok, open your mouth and keep your tongue down as best you can. Stick it out a little if that helps.”

 

“I’m with you.” I murmur into his ear as his trembling starts up again. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

 

Bruce turns on the light, startling Loki. He waits a beat, then raises it, moving it slightly left and right. He frowns a little—I can’t tell if he’s concentrating or concerned.

 

“Thor, take a look, will you?” 

 

I finish the braid and wrap my arms around Loki, holding him steady as Thor stands next to Bruce.

 

“Am I right that it’s not usually that color?” Bruce asks, doing a decent impression of mild curiosity. 

 

Thor only shakes his head. Bruce frowns.

 

“Can you open a little wider?” He watches something very carefully. “Ok. You can close your mouth. I just wanna look at the outside now.”

 

Thor flashes me a look, then steps back to his brothers side. My ears start ringing again as Bruce bends in, checking the puncture wounds.

 

“Ok. Let’s take a break. Get him something to drink, if he wants.” Bruce nods to the sink.

 

“I got it.” I say, as Thor guides Loki to a chair far away from the table, murmuring praise and assurance.

 

“Cups are in the cabinets under it, I think.” 

 

“You want some?” I ask, crouching low to reach way in back.

 

“Yeah, please.”

 

As I stand back up, the floor shoots up with me. There’s a lot of...something...words or screams, maybe. Can you hear sound without hearing sound?

 

“Hayd—“ 

 

The room goes black.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, clearly it’s been too long since I’m getting “update soon” comments. ;) This is what I have so far, I promise I’ll try and get more out soon. I know it’s not focused on Loki, so I hope that’s not too frustrating. We’ll get back to him shortly.

I guess I come to pretty quickly, as I’m still on the floor, Bruce leaning over me.

 

“God, sorry.” I say like I just shut a cabinet too hard, trying to sit up.

 

“Woah—“ Bruce holds up a hand. “I maybe wouldn’t do that just yet.”

 

The scuffling in the background comes into focus.

 

“She’s alright, Brother! Calm yourself.”

 

“I’m ok, Loki.” I call, sitting up slower to placate Bruce.

 

Loki comes into view, restrained by Thor. Tears rush unbidden to my eyes. I just made him so much more upset, and he certainly didn’t need the push.

 

“Where does it hurt?” Bruce’s eyes flick over my head.

 

_Everywhere_. “I’m not. I just feel bad for scaring you guys.”

 

“Hayden...can I take a look at you for a second?”

 

I rub my puffy eyes. “You are.”

 

Bruce sighs. “No, I mean...uh, properly.”

 

“Bruce, I stood up too fast. Nothing’s broken. I promise not to sue you if I’m wrong.”

 

From across the room, Thor says, “Loki, come with me.”

 

_Wait, what?!_

“I will not leave her!” Loki says in the strongest voice I’ve heard in days.

 

“Bruce needs to examine her, Brother.”

 

“What?!” I yelp. “No, Thor, seriously—“

 

“With all due respect, Lady, you are not well. I believe you would be wise to let him evaluate you.”

 

I’m starting to think this is some sort of trick. Are these my friends at _all_?! Are they being controlled? Are they shapeshifters or something??

 

Loki seems to be thinking the same thing, fighting his brother harder. I shoot to my feet—trying to summon the light—and have to catch myself on the table as the room twirls around me. 

 

I snarl at Bruce. “What the fuck did you do to me?” 

 

“I didn’t do anything—“

 

“I swear to god—“ I start shouting.

 

“Hayden, I noticed on the stai—” Thor tries, then grunts as Loki manages an elbow to his gut.

 

“Friday, call Stark and Rogers.” Bruce calls, then back to me. “Hayden, take it easy.” 

 

He holds out his hands— _hold on, just hear me out._ All I can think about is how he didn’t call Nat and how suspicious that is.

 

Steve skids into the room and looks to Bruce, then Thor. “Guys, what the hell?!”

 

“She passed out.” Bruce starts.

 

_Get it ready. Get fucking ready, what is wrong with you? They’re going to take him._

 

But it’s not coming. Shit—they probably got us in this room so they could take the stone so I’d have no power. Then they could take Loki and I couldn’t do a thing about it.

 

Over my dead. fucking. body. 

 

The power finally floods my hands and I start to turn—

 

Another body collides with mine, forcing me back against the wall.

 

“Ok, no, no, not necessary.”

 

A hand grabs me by both wrists with absurd ease and forces them off to the side on my leg. My sight goes inconveniently blurry with panicked tears as the light drains and Loki’s voice starts fading.

 

“Hayden—Hayden—calm down. You need to stop before you level the entire floor. No maid outfit could make up for that.”

 

I mean, that sounds like Tony, but—

 

He presses harder into me, which hurts like hell. “Listen to me. Listen—”

 

“Tony, you’re hurting her.” 

 

“Uh, yeah, I’m trying to get her to focus before she goes Scarlet Hulk on us. You gonna help me or you just gonna live tweet about it?!”

 

I hear the door click. His voice is gone. And there’s nothing I can do about it. 

 

I failed him. I failed. I had promised. I start all-out sobbing.

 

In an undertone, “It’s ok, kid.”

 

“GIVE—GIVE HIM BACK.”

 

My chin is forced forward. “Look at me.”

 

His brown eyes are suddenly all I can see, though they keep blurring intermittently.

 

“No one’s going to hurt him or you.” 

 

If I’m wrong—

 

Tony leans in, saying (not unkindly), “Kid, I need you to listen. You haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since this all started. You’ve got more bruises than clear skin. I haven’t seen you drink or eat a full meal. You’re a mess.”

 

...

 

..........

 

Oh. Oh no. Oh god, what have I done?

 

“I’m fine,” I sob, gathering my energy to go fix this. “I’m—“

 

“You’re _not_ fine.”

 

“I am! I’m—“

 

“Scared to death.”

 

And humiliated. And ashamed. And aching. My god, everything _hurts_.

 

Tony pulls me into a gentle hug and hiding my face in his chest. I can’t breathe, I’m crying so hard.

 

“Ah, kid...” He says softly, and sits himself against the wall, creating shelter for me.

 

_I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry. How does anyone stand it?_

 

“I’m so sorry.” I sob, absolutely out of control. 

 

Bruce appears, holding the cup of water I meant to get for Loki. “You don’t have to apologize.”

 

_Breathe. Come on, just fucking breathe._

 

But when I do, my stomach starts to churn. Hard.

 

“Woah—easy—“ Bruce leans back as I retch, but nothing comes out. “Move her to the table.”

 

Oh god. Oh no—no, no, no.

 

“Hayden—Hayden, relax.” Tony says as they stand me up.

 

“Don’t! Please don’t—“ I beg, then start to retch again. 

 

“Stop. Hang on.”

 

“Tony—“

 

“Just give me a second.”

 

“She hit her head—“

 

“And we’re making it worse. She doesn’t do doctors, remember?”

 

I’m half bent over the table willing the room to stop rocking like a sailboat in a hurricane.

 

“Shit.”

 

“Hey.” Tony turns me around carefully. “Deep breaths. Deeeeeeeep breaths.”

 

_You can see I’m fucking trying_. I want to say.

 

“Ok, Bruce is going nuts. Tell me what we need to not do so he can check you out.” Tony says, shockingly astute. 

 

“No...” I gasp, trying to keep my mouth as closed as possible. “Needles.”

 

“No needles. Got it.”

 

“No gloves. Please.”

 

Another wave of nausea rolls over me. This time I just turn away and pant, promising god a lot of my Sundays if I can just _not_ puke on Tony.

 

“Her pulse is racing, blood pressure’s high.” 

 

No instruments. I don’t say that, though. I focus on keeping that awful bubbling feeling out of my throat.

 

“Hayden, look at me.” 

 

Bruce shines a bright goddamn light in my eyes. For a hot second I consider slapping it out of his hand like Loki did.

 

“Pupils reactive.” He says to himself.

 

A ghost of hospital crosstalk floats into my head. _Fever’s 104.7. Racing pulse. Blood ox—_

 

I let go of the table and start to sink to the floor, covering my head. Tony catches me and drags me with him up onto the table. I’m too dizzy to protest.

 

“It’s not a concussion.” Tony says. 

 

Bruce starts to rebutt him, but Tony says, “Hayden, who’s president?”

 

“A fucking idiot.” I wheeze.

 

“She’s stressed out of her mind. Gimme the cup.” He wraps his arm around me. “Hayden, can you slow your breathing down?”

 

I shake my head. For all the times I insist Loki do it, I suck at it now.

 

“Ok, take a deep breath and hold it.”

 

“Tony—“ Bruce says, exasperated.

 

I feel Tony make some gesture. It takes a few gasps, but I inhale until my lungs hurt and hold it, shutting my eyes against them looking at me. 

 

“Good. Now let it out as slow as you can.”

 

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

 

“Atta girl.” Tony says softly after the sixth cycle. 

 

I’m fucking exhausted. So exhausted I don’t even want to run back to Loki in this moment. I wanna fall asleep on the hallway floor. (To be fair, Tony clearly spared absolutely no expense on the carpets.)

 

“I’m...so..sorry.” I mumble. 

 

“Don’t worry about it. It’s been at least two hours since I got to be a hero.”

 

I crack my eyes open. His expression is supposed to be reassuring, but his eyes are—

 

“Stop.” Tony rebukes me gently. “I’m fine.”

 

“You’re scared to death.” I manage, my lip turning up ever so slightly.

 

He chuckles. “I’m ok. You can fix the rest later.”

 

He hands me the water, which I drain. He helps me sit up, then gets off to refill the cup. I try to follow, but I notice Bruce put his hand out.

 

Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
